I know what I want.

It's hard lying in bed thinking about your future, knowing what you want, but feeling like it is the farthest thing from attainable. Although unattainable, I can see it. And although as unattainable it feels now, there is no feeling of hopelessness. Just patience and trust. It comes and goes, but for now the feeling is good.

Two main things I have circling my head and funny enough with those two little things, life-changing things, I would feel complete. I can see them. That's new for me. I'm feeling more certain about what my future will look like.

These nights are far and few between, but in them, as I lay in bed watching scenarios in my mind, it all seems so clear. As if God Himself is showing me the wonderfulness I have to come. I'm not one you would normally hear something like that from, but in all honesty, I have no other explanation. In my mind, that is fighting it, it seems too good to be true, but in my heart it feels real. And really, I feel bad succumbing to saying that I have no other explanation. Ultimately because that lack of explanation needs to be trust. It's just hard for me to admit.

I feel I'm being led in the right way. Everyone has their issues, I guess mine is trust. Vulnerability is not something I work out-right for. It is something I'm decent at hiding. My will to do this is breaking down. Or perhaps to spin it in a positive light, my will is growing stronger.


On a completely separate note, I read something today that made me wish I was more like Jesus. I wish I was able to start every day new with forgiving everything from yesterday. Wouldn't it be so marvelous if someone hurt you the day before, yet the next day you honestly forgave them and loved them just as before? I know we're capable, but why is it so easy to hold grudges then? Because it makes us feel less inferior? Because it is the easier route to take? Because truly loving people is the most difficult thing in the world and it gives us an excuse not to try something difficult? It's a lot of work, but seems something to aspire to. It's hard knowing what you want to do, but know you will still fail occasionally (more often than not). I guess that's the miraculousness of that forgiveness. If it can be given to us, why not try and pass it on. Worth the effort, I think.

I love when things that never used to make sense come to light. I love being a teacher to help others find that feeling. When the clouds pass and you really get something. When you really understand it. It feels good.

It should be easy.

Wow. When did we go so wrong? Has it always been this bad? Is it getting worse?

They are real. The things we are capable of. It is real.

It centers about love.

That's as far down as I can break it.

Seems simple, yet we're unable.

I can't even begin to understand the complexity of the simplicity.