I'm tired of it.

So basically the only thing keeping me searching for religion told me I should stop going to church today. Interesting. I know they meant just because it puts me in a bad mood, but i hope they understand it's only because it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't go to group tonight because I am not a Christian. I understand there are other people who go who are not Christians. That did not change my decision to not go. I would have liked to see people tonight so there's almost an ounce of regret for not just using group as social time, but deep down I know that is not the purpose of it. Or at least the purpose I would want to get from it. I guess one could go for social time and end up learning something, that would be neat. But I digress...

My mind is constantly unhappy. I can have a good time and enjoy events here and there, but whenever it comes back to time with me and my brain I can't stand myself. I have stuff I want to say, but shouldn't. I have things I probably should say, but won't. I have logic that deters me from doing certain things because it is not healthy. For instance as of right now I'm pretty sure I'll be bringing in the new year by myself. Not like, without a partner, but actually in a house alone. I have an event I've been invited to, but I don't want to go to it for the wrong reasons... and probably regret it, but at some point I need to become independent of this person and what better time than now. I hate this. Why is it so hard to let myself be happy?

Just a phase, right?

I feel depression creeping upon me again as the weekend arrives...

I feel desperation for a conversation including other aspects than watch dog dad's and glories and grips of six year olds...

I feel my heart aching for something, anything, to make it feel anything other than what it has of late...

I feel lost...

I feel anticipation for finally having plans (despite their minority)...

I feel tired of feeling unable to control my emotions...

I feel unable to articulate these feelings to anyone and that makes me feel frustrated for communicating them to a computer instead...

I feel lonely...

I feel angry for being who I currently am...

I feel regret for putting myself out there and getting rejected...

I feel frustrated for not trying harder...

I feel stupid for letting thought-less activities drown out my pain...

I feel sick...

I feel I should be excited for break, but am not...

I feel strange I don't want to be more exposed...

I feel I want to be creative...

I feel dumb for expressing these feelings over and over again and still can't figure it out...

I feel most of all exhausted from feeling these ways and at a loss for finding a way to make it stop.

I feel I'm going to take a walk...

There is a reason for that rule

After picking kids up from recess:

Teacher: "where were you?"

Student: "I was at the nurse"

Teacher: "Why, are you alright?"

Student: "A wood-chip from the playground got caught in my throat"

Teacher: *blank stare* "How did that happen?"

Student: "well..." *long pause* "they were throwing them around and I opened my"

Teacher: "stop right there. I want to you assure me this story is the truth. It sounds like you're about to tell me one went into your mouth and then got stuck."

Student: *nods head up and down*

Teacher: "I just want you to think for a minute and when I come back I'd like to hear what happened."

Student: "wait.. I uhhh" *ridiculously long pause* "how can I say this without you getting mad?"

Teacher: *begins to loose patience and makes it apparent to student*

Student: "well... I made a snowball. And then ate it."


Believe it or not, but some rules are really there for a reason.

I hate money.

Don't you just love it when people assume since they have money, you do too? Oh, yeah I'd love to go in on a $400 Christmas present with you, no problem. Let's see subtract rent, gas bill, electricity, cable bill, cell phone, gasoline, student loans, credit card payment, prescriptions, pet supplies, and the occasional meal for myself and I'll be able to chip in about 20 dollars. The part that is really bothering me is that the girlfriend is paying more for my parents gift than I can. How miserable does that make me feel? I know they just want to get them a nice present, but seriously. I wish a million times over I didn't flunder the last year with credit cards, I'd be so better off if I didn't screw myself over that way. I'd love to go out and spend money on the people I love this year, but I'm trying desperately hard to get myself to a stable financial point. It sucks, but looking at the big picture I can't wait to not have those payments every month.

I'm going for the actual spirit of Christmas this year with telling the people around me I care about them without buying fancy presents. I realize that sounds like the cheap way out of it (and yes that is part of it), but really I hate how people get you something and expect something in return. Or even worse they give you something just so they can get something. The best presents I've ever gotten were the ones a person got me just because they knew I had a bad day or because I was sick. The question, "are you getting me something?" dumb. Everyone knows you only ask that so you know whether or not you have to get that person something in return. I have a couple people I want to give something small to, but its not just to give them something its to show them I care about them and what I gave them made me think about them. It is going to be something made or baked. And then you will not believe this, but I don't want anything in return. I don't like that my gift makes people feel they also need to get me something. That's silly. If I give a person a present their enjoyment and happiness is all I like to see. I'd rather give than get, I know this sounds like a load of crap, but really its true. And especially with the way I've been thinking lately I already have too much junk I dont need. All I know that this time of the year is great if you are around people who understand this.

I get sad when I think about the spirit of Christmas lost to the hooplah of making sure you got everyone a gift. It's a special time of year to enjoy. I can honestly say I've already enjoyed mine knowing that I don't have to worry about what to buy people; cuz that's nothing. Well minus a few craft and bakery supplies I picked up. I don't even know why I'm still writing about this, it just gets me fired up and depressed at the same time.

Four was not enough.

Thought I was going to have to call an ambulance last night. My body hurts. I couldn't open my eyes from the pain. And I realize describing it will never get the real effect, so I just wanted it noted that I almost called a couple people at about 4 in the morning to ask them how many medications I could mix together before I would pass out, but I had enough sense left in me to realize that all they would have heard was a congested, sobing, murmuring crazy person asking about pills. I decided to stop at four, but they didn't help.

For now...

I'm incredibly pissed. I had this extremely meaningful post and just lost it because my computer has come up with this new "game" of closing my window randomly. I will attempt to re-cap my thoughts, but I'm pretty sure it will not be near as interesting (on part of redundancy from my perspective).

I've been thinking a lot. And of all the scenarios have gone through my mind (probably each hundreds of times) and the one that makes the most sense is that I'm just ready to go home. What if I am ready? Set aside all the "failure" feelings, I would still be independent, I would still be doing the job I spent years in school for, I would still have an apartment I'm sure I'd be lonely in occasionally, with the exception of having family and friends around when I need them or need something beside myself. And the part that would really be exciting would be if they need me I could be there. I like people trusting me or asking me to listen or just telling me about their lives. I think loneliness causes boredom as well. I'm so sick of thinking about my life and what I need to do that I'm ready to just experience anything beside my poor excuse for living. I shouldn't be so negative. I love my student's. They are the high point of my life now. They keep me on my feet and give me others to care about. And I do, care about them, so I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but conversing with children is extremely different than having an "adult conversation". That phrase actally made me cringe until recently. I love talking with my kids and getting the best out of them, but there is only a point you can go to with them. I guess the phrase adult conversation, to me, just means taping into more meaningful emotions and experiences. Now let it be marked this is how I feel now. Perhaps in 5 months I will feel completely different. Yet, for the present, I'm set on moving home, getting a school gig there, and having an apartment without tons of waisted food because I don't know how to grocery shop without thinking "maybe a friend will come over and I can make us snacks while we watch tv, talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company". That has yet to be experienced here, beside the weekend I moved in and the weekend my family came to see me. Which, sadly enough, were all instances of people from home keeping me that company. I wish I could just open myself to being happy here. I'm going to make that my goal the months to come. I can be in charge of my happiness (repeat that 10 times, then maybe it will be easier to believe).

I get the hint

When hope is all you have and you loose that... it leaves nothing more to say.

It is easy to fall apart without knowing yourself... and even at times if you do.

I had a sudden urge come over me this morning. I have many clothes I do not wear, so while listening to the hanging of the greens on speakerphone, I rummaged through every article of clothing I own and asked myself "do I actually wear this?" To say the least my closet is much less full. Pant, shirts, sweaters, even about 10 pairs of shoes are now sitting ready to be donated to someone who will use them. However I wish I got rid of more, yet certain expectations are held of me at my job, so I opted to keep some things because of that. I recently have had this feeling come over me often. For instance my phone contract just ended and I was planning on getting one of those really sweet touch phones with music and internet and all the bells and whistles. After thinking about it for a week I decided there is really nothing wrong with my current phone. That hundred saved went towards my credit debt, and after all that would be the greatest thing for me to have: no debt. Because of this current mind state I'm in I'll have one of my cards paid off and canceled by the end of this month (it is the biggest one too). This may seem non-important, yet it is extremely meaningful to me. I got myself into debt through a blunder of bad choices and mistakes and now, as I see the sea parting, I feel a great weight being lifted. The title of "debt-ful" makes me a person I do not like. I haven't always been the most responsible with my money, but I'd like to think I wasn't stupid about it; that was until about a year ago. Now that I am working hard to rid myself of the terrible feeling that comes with those bad choices and high interest rates, all I can say is that this will be a good holiday. I will have time with my family and friends and be able to become the person I once wanted myself to grow up to be. It's funny for me to think about how much I've changed. It took me becoming the person I never wanted to be to get back on track to being that caring and selfless individual I always want people to see me as.

I talked to an old friend on the phone last week. He told me about life and how things were going. After listening to my friend talk for a while, not planning on telling about how I was doing and despite my mind yelling for me not to truly share how I was feeling, I did it any ways. Upon reflection I probably did because his situation was similar, I guess it's always easier to share when you know the person can understand. Anyway, Loneliness, sadness, unsurety of where to go, you name all those deep inner feelings and I let them go. I told them I was miserable and unwilling to let myself be happy because I feel unworthy of those wonderful things. I'm not even sure he realized it because he was complaining of similar feelings but as he talked I felt like we were walking through our torment together. I came to realize that I am not okay here. I am not open to anyone or thing and I'm not sure how to be. My unwillingness is scary. I keep thinking if I move home I will be happy and I do not doubt that, but I do need to really ask myself if I will be able to move on with my life. I have a great friend there. Somedays I want more with that friend, than just friendship; all days to be completely honest. But I have to understand that that time has passed. Things have happened and it cannot be the way I wish it was. Now knowing that I understand this how do I make it happen?

Back to the beginning of the story... I was listening to church this morning and hearing my friend sing brought tears to my eyes. Yes, she sounded beautiful, but I'm pretty sure that was only a part of the reason for my tears. I have made myself try and try to make this place home. I even put up christmas decorations. It is a nice apartment, I do like it, but I can't make it feel like home. Every time I go to the grocery store I buy food like crazy on the off-chance a friend will come over and I'll be able to make snacks for us to hang out, watch the fire, and laugh together. It never happens. Even if I try to get people to come here, the ones I don't really know, not like the friends I truly love, like the ones back home, something happens and I'm left alone. Disappointment and sadness have the reigns over my life and I can't get control. If I move home I will unappropriately wish for something I cannot have, but at least have family and friends to help get me through, if I stay here I feel I will make a life of nothing; no actual feelings no real emotion, I fear for becoming a heartless fool.

On the upside, a life of loneliness really lets one get to know themselves. I know this was something a long time coming for me, as I know genuine people say nothing is deserved, yet the phrase "what goes around comes around" I think has served my sentence. I do feel I deserve what I'm going through. So for now I will hope that this phase was necessary for me to become the human I wish myself to be like, however I hope moreover that it is soon to be at an end. I fear I cannot take much more of a life similar to this. The heart-aching solitude this has become is no longer wanted. The short routine day tasks, saving money to dig myself out of the hole I'm in, celebrations of doing something nice for others can fulfill me only partly, there is more for me to feel whole. I fear I will only let this city give me a fraction of what I need.

Just kidding.

I wanted to write in here earlier. Now I don't. Guess i won't then.

Some grace from above

My car was broken into tonight...or sort of. I guess I forgot to lock it, and well it locks automatically after a couple minutes, so it had to happen right after I left it. I had everything in there for my stay over Thanksgiving, you name all my things worth value and they were in the car: laptop, ipod, huge book of cd's, several dvd's, some portable speakers and headphones, clothes... I know, my car was stacked full with all of my crap. God must really love me because the only thing they took was a cookie tray from a party we had in class today with about 10 leftover cookies. They did rummage around in my glove box so I'm afraid they took my insurance card or got all that info on there. I'll have to call them tomorrow in case the assholes who messed around in my shit decide to say I hit them or something crazy like that. God I hope those cards don't have your social security number. And they were also kind enought to ash their cigarette on my seat as they were leaving, leave my dome light on, turn my windshield wipers on, and not close the door. I shouldn't be complaining they didn't take anything, for God's sake my laptop was in plain sight, well in a laptop bag, but those are plenty obvious. I'm baffled at how I still have it. I never leave it in my car, I'm always careful, but I was just going in for a while and new I'd be back home soon to unpack my car, so I figured it'd be ok for just a bit. I'm pretty good at being strong, but I freaked out. After that happened driving back to my parents house, just the two minute drive, I was scared shitless that someone was in my backseat ready to strangle me. I can't express how thankful I am that all my stuff was still there, but it makes me scared. Why didn't they take anything (well minus the cookies they could have bought for $5 at any grocery store)? Why was I so lucky? In the last two weeks two women by themselves have been reported as being mugged for their money at stores very close to where I live. I was already nervous about that, now everytime I'm by myself (which is always) I am going to not feel comfortable. I was always so good at feeling confident and safe, now this turns me into a scardy cat? It's going to take time to build that strength back up. I can't sleep because when I close my eyes I picture some stranger sitting in my car smoking just rummaging through all my belongings. They even looked through my toiletries and left some on the front seat. I'm probably just overtired and worrying about this too much, I'm a pretty levelheaded person, but crap, that shit sucks. One person, maybe it was a kid just drunk and goofing around, not wanting to cause damage, just being dumb, got me. I always tell myself people can be nice and do my best to think positively. Maybe God was sending me a sign. This sounds trivial, but for someone in my place, looking for a reason for religion and if someone is truely watching us and loving us, tonight sure gave God some points in my book.

Progressive dinners suck

Why can't all the food just be at one place? Seriously I think they are dumb and not to sound ridiculously old, but irresponsible too. Really? Thirty year olds getting tanked and then driving to another place for the next course? I thought with age came wisdom. So you'd figure they would make responsible plans and not create a function where half of it is driving and the other half is drinking. They may as well just stay in their cars and drive around town sight seeing. I'm bad at the whole just sit around and talk thing too. Never have anything good to say and am terrible at telling stories. I can listen pretty freakin well thou. However just listening to drunk story after another isn't quite my idea of the perfect night. I wanted to try so hard tonight to have fun and not be so pessimistic, but with even knowing and thinking that I literally could not stop myself. My mind is closed and I can't fix it no matter how hard I try. I even attempted talking to people but they made it clear I was not worth it. I think perhaps the area i'm in is too classy for me, i'm not one of them. I don't wear nice clothes or like to drink myself silly whenever possible or like to bad mouth others who aren't around. Only god knows what they say about me. Enough bitching. I'm tired of complaining, I will just do my job and live my way. I refuse to give into their standards, it is just not who i want to be.

Life is difficult

The cliche phrases float around in my mind as they slowly are revealed to be true. Not as if I questioned their authenticity, just perhaps their depth. Although understanding them doesn't find me any closer to solutions it does give me comfort that at some time, probably long long ago, someone was feeling the same. Mean-hearted of me, I know. They are for a reason after all. The repetitive nature of life, the struggle, the questions, the love, the blah blah and so on is overwhelmingly been done and seen before. However somehow those phrases, the commonplace of a diverse culture's being, has become a staple of the cyclic life. Just how did they become? They are here now, I suppose all it takes is one broad thought encompassing a trivial point of life. I would like to create one... ............ ....................... ..... .. . but all that comes to mind is cliches. How ironic.

What if I just don't wanna?

It just sucks sometimes.

First year is the worst, you gain experience, it gets better... I've heard them all. But what is supposed to happen if it is just NOT what you want with your life? Yeah, it may get easier, more enjoyable, yet even so I don't think I would want to live it.

It is beyond me how people enjoy it. The small moments of joy that skip in and out of the day are nice, but hardly worth the other fiascos I'm having to go through.

Perhaps I'm being emotional, but I'm lonely, don't like my job, can't tell anyone how I truly don't think i want to do this job for another year because they are so proud of me for getting there, and don't know how to better my situation. I guess friends would help, but Ill be honest: i'm so closed off and depressed here at times it really makes it hard to want to get to know new people or vise versa. I feel like all I have is to complain about my life now and frankly I wouldn't wish that upon anyone to have to listen to.

Good god I need to get out of this funk. The want is there... now what?

It makes me sick thinking about you. It makes me cry wondering what's going to happen. It makes me question everything. Yet I can't stop. No matter how hard I try, what I do is not right. I'm a faulted human and I'm sorry for it. But I will not stop loving you, it is the only thing that puts me at peace. And I thank you for who you are, even though at times (more often than not) I am not deserving. A broken body I am. I will do my best.

Good.

It seems good. Feelings have been up and down and a lot of money had to be spent to make it work, but I have my own place and it is good. It's not excellent yet, but it is much more tolerable than what I moved from. So I guess in-between. Its weird by myself and lonely at times (especially when friends claim to make plans then never come over), but I think after some time it will get better.

The heater makes a strange noise. Wakes me up every time. I nearly started looking for something hard to hit a burglar with the first time it happened, that's a lie. I just laid as still as possible hoping they wouldn't come in the bedroom... as I laid there the thought came into my mind that I should get something to protect myself though, does that count??

Button loves it. Of course she does. She has her mansion of a cage back and nearly an entire apartment to bunny hop and flop around. She watches TV with me on the couch... so I guess its not lonely at all times.

I will extend my help.... but from a safe distance.

I wonder what the motive for people completely self-involved is to screw over their friends. Gratification that they "win"? The chance at an argument? They are not alright unless the people around them are not alright? Smiles for bringing a friend down with them? Roommate C is now refusing to sign release form for Roommate B because she seems it will screw her. I think she just realized that legally if she signs it she'll be the one responsible for all of her unpaid rent and late charges, which means she will no longer be able to bring us down with her. In situations like these I attempt to give people the benefit of the doubt that they have some logical course of action running through their minds that attempts to make everything reasonable. So while pondering that I put myself in her situation: broke, thousands of dollars owed to numerous places and people, moving in with new boyfriend who is currently paying for everything, unable to find a job, not to mention unwilling to search for one, but happy that she has someone taking care of her. Now me personally in her situation would be excited about having someone to share time with and be happy with, but I would despise them taking care of financial things for me. I think I am one of the few that enjoys being able to provide for myself, but I suppose that makes her happy. Upon thinking and wondering why she is making this so difficult the only thing I can come up with is that she's afraid to loose her friend because of all the shit she's put her through. I happen to know roommate b would never do that, but seeing as though roommate c has thrown an incredible amount of shit our way it is very plausible she's scared her friendship is close to ending. So instead of talking with said roommate about problems she pushes her away because its easier than dealing with issues. Logically that is the only thing i can come up with to explain why one person would want to hurt their friend so badly.

I guess to say the least the fight at stinky townhouse is not over. However roommate A has been accepted at new apartment and is not changing plans. I hate to say it but i'm taking care of myself before helping others. i see it as rude and it gives me an uneasy feeling about my morals, but financially I cannot afford to pull anyone else out of a hole, as I myself am already in one. The physics just don't work. I will take care of my friend as much as I can, I want to help her, but someone causing as much trouble as roommate c is, is not where I can be.

To employ the phrase "treat others as you want to be treated" seems ancient history. Did living in an age where people truly care about others ever exist? I give my students choices to questions, a would you rather have "a" or "b" situation to assure I don't get the regular "i don't know, or don't care" phrase back. I will pose a question here in that matter, 'would you rather live with sincere beings around you with true emotions or be surrounded by empty lives with only good deeds done as planning to hold it over that persons head later?' The answer is simple, but it takes dedication and a foresees many struggling times. It is a challenge to say the least, but I believe the purpose is worth it.

It makes me sad to think about the current state of our society. Society with friends, family, community, within our cites, states, and further seem to manage only by protecting themselves. Humans are capable of doing such amazing things, why is it that we have come to be so selfish? I'm not galavanting that I am the one who is apart from this crowd, let it be known, all I am doing is questioning when this type of life became okay, when did it become "standard"?

I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be famous. I don't want recognition for doing good deeds. I want to live a life with meaning and compassion. Love and honesty. Faith and trust. Grace.

Dreaming upon the stars...

Just as I was walking out late from work murmuring angrily to myself about how I stayed too late and should have left hours ago I happened to look up to the sky and witness a beautiful shooting star. My random observation of the night sky pays off. It was unlike anything I've seen in the sky before. It only lasted 5 or so seconds, but it was sparkling and shimmering just like you see in pictures. I'll be sure to remember it and am thankful for the moment. I love how 5 seconds or even just a few words can make hours worth of work or a bad day alright.

what's up with that?

I was not allowed to switch my current cable plan to my new apartment because the people who lived there before me have not deactivated their service yet. It doesn't matter that they haven't lived there for a week nor does it matter that their account has not been paid for two months. Now really, does it seem a good company policy to deny someone their service (someone who has always paid their bills) because another customer has not paid their bills and been responsible enough to call the company and cancel their service? Normally, had there not been someone still "active" in the new building all I would have to do to transfer my service would be to call, tell them my new address, and be done with it. But because of the incompetence of the previous residents I'm punished by having to bring my new lease, photo identification, and my social security card and drive to the cable companies store and in-person put in my request, then still have to wait to see if it can be put through... I understand the company has procedures they have to follow, but i just can't help feeling like i was given more work because of them.

Really I'm just bitching because I'm pissed i had to go to the cable store twice today just to try to get my already set up service sent to my new home. It was really just an inconvenience that i didn't feel like messing with. The moral of this story is i'm tired of people not paying their bills and me having to deal with the effects.

I HAVE FLEAS!

well... my roommates dog, and probably cat too, has fleas. Lets see... one female flea living approximately two weeks, able to lay 500 eggs in her lifetime, going on about two months of pets not being "properly" taken care of (properly is a very flexible term right now, as anything other than pets not being locked in the basement, possibly fed once every two days, and let out even less is considered properly for this story) would make oh....some 2000 or so fleas in my house. And just to think that's if we only have one lady flea doing the all work. Yes, I'm a dork, I know, I did research, but I knew nothing of them, I didn't know if they were like ticks and living off my blood now or something. And the idea of something besides my pillows in bed with me freaks me out. It gives me goose-bumps thinking about it.

So the only reason I found out what these small red itchy bumps on me were was one of my co-workers asked me why my neck was all red. After I had been scratching it all day, of course. I thought I had chicken pox, seriously it was the only thing I could relate to small itchy bumps, beside mosquito bites. They were much too small to be those. So now I not only have my roommate to thank for making me ridiculously more poor than I already was, but I can congratulate her on allowing her pet' conditions to get so bad they've taken over to us humans for fun as well. Really, I feel bad for those animals, just a few bites were enough to drive me up the wall could you imagine them jumping all over you?

4 MORE DAYS!!!!!!! Oh they could not go fast enough..

All you need is... time

One week. Just one week left... 7 days... 181 hours till i pick up the truck. Come noon next friday, i'm throwing belongings in and drivin a half hour down the road to seclusion. it will be so beautiful.

if only we believed everything we read

its a constant struggle. being who you wish you were and being who you are. somethings you can't change, some you can. I only have two goals in life, but they are big. i've recently realized i could die at any moment. yes, yes, i know, morbid and dumb at the same time. I just never really thought about it. until I asked myself the question recently would i be happy dying as the person i was today? How i acted and what i did today? not yesterday, or the week before... after some deep reflection, this question turned into would i be okay with people close to me dying knowing just what we've said and done in our past and current relationships? these questions were thought provoking. to say the least my goals have been revised. death is scary. i'm not sure if i've been thinking about it more because of the books i've been reading or because of the massive loneliness i've been feeling (for any of you questioning and perhaps worrying, no i am not suicidal, that is a selfish thing to do, the thought does not occur to me), but one way or the other it is affecting me. change is good thou. i like to see myself grow as an individual. you know when you look back at the last year, two years, 10 years, and see what you've done. looking back is important, reflecting helps make you a more understanding person, looking forward helps to keep you prepared, but recently i've come to believe the looking to the moment is what is really needed. You have the now always, the future may not come, the past is already gone, but do what you can with what you have in your seconds. Who's to say you have many more? prolific, i know. its been said before, but i guess you have to truly put it into meaning for yourself to understand it. i think it is a hard way to live, such expectations are set on "i can do it next time" or "i'll say that the next time", but really you may not have the opportunity. no one is to say "next time" is guaranteed. Carpe diem's meaning seriously comes into play...

Oh, the garage sale smell....

For a world full of people who can be creeps and do terrible things, I'd have to congratulate myself for finding just the opposite today. There's something so refreshing about meeting random people who are just genuinely nice.

I had searched craigs list for some free furniture to try and nab for my new place and had several places to visit. It was a very busy day, at some points disappointing because you can only fit so much into a civic, but i'm mostly glad to say it was a day filled with productiveness and happiness. I started early, worked hard throughout the day, and ended up with almost no money spent and plenty to show for my work; a TV stand, two armless cushy chairs, a very nice black table I'm particularly proud of (had to take it apart to fit it, but i was determined), a world globe, several children's books, and a sweet game of Pictionary. In between my furniture craig's list stops I came across dozens of garage sales. Today must have been the Fall opening of Garage Sale Season because everywhere I turned there were tables piled high and the smell of gently loved items with 15 cent stickers attached was in the air.

One of my favorite stops was a craig's list house that was supposed to have smaller items like CD racks, picture frames, and smaller items of the like set outside free for whoever gets there first. I pulled up to the house and no items were to be seen, "dang too late I thought". The person living there just happened to be in the driveway getting something out of their car. I asked if I missed the rush and she told me everything was gone in like 10 min, except a tv was left. She nicely offered to show it to me. On the way to see it i casually mentioned how i was moving and have no furniture so today was searching day. Her response was "What do you need?" I was confused by the question, but told her i have a bed, dresser, and rabbit. She then yelled into the house for her daughter to open the garage. She walked me inside and pointed around like it was a store,"well what would you like" Unbelievable. On monday I will be picking up a filing cabinet, end table, very cool long shelf stand thing, a set of dishes, and possibly a vintage looking TV built into a case with drawers and all. So nice they were! She didn't mind one bit me returning the next week to pick up. She just said SURE SURE and gave me her number. I quickly called a friend with a truck after driving away and set up a day to get it all. Called the nice lady back and set up the pick up time. While we were on the phone I asked her if I could give her any money for everything she's giving me and she replied "no, no, I'm just glad to help you out" Holy crap! She never even met me before and was so content with just seeing how excited i was to be getting all this furniture. And my day continued with just that luck.. Its those kind of random people you meet that really show you how the simplest things can change you. I hope they make all other people they come across feel as awesome as they did me because corny as it is, kindness is contagious. I smiled at every person I saw today. It was one of those days you thank God for the bad days because you realize just how amazing life and people can be.

Fairness?

Let me ponder a question about fairness. Someone causes you to face an eviction and $300 fine for just getting that notice. So you pay their late charges and unpaid rent dues, which may or may not add up to a grand, to assure in the future you will be able to rent a place of your own or even own a house without an eviction hanging over your head. You then wonder to yourself, what is a fair amount of time to give them to pay you the money back? What?! You are worrying about being fair to them after they are the cause of this whole fiasco? Where's the justice?!

Anyways, it really boils down to money. Lame money. It goes without saying that the world runs around it or because of it even. I guess all I really wanted to say was, I hate money.

Take it into your own hands!

I've quickly had to learn that when in doubt, do it yourself. I have quite the story and although I'm attempting not to freak out, I couldn't get it off my mind today.

Setting: suburban three-bedroom townhouse
Characters: we'll call em Roommates A, B, and C
Plot: Roommate A has a new job about 40 minutes away from nice townhouse and is moving to a new apartment closer to job in about a month...or is she.??

So the story begins with A coming home from a nice relaxing weekend. Roommate B is hanging out with a friend in the living room and A goes in to say hi. B tells A that C hasn't paid rent in 2 months and is getting calls from the leasing office threatening eviction. There are other bills B has not paid also, for example phone bill. A is sad for C, but glad that in about a month will be moving out. Until.... dun da daaaa... A realizes that B and C are both needed to sign a roommate release form in order for A to be approved for new apartment living. Well shoot. Now, A cannot call C to have her go up to the office to sign the paper because of lack of phone service and has no idea where C is because C is in hiding (AKA new boyfriends house) from paying her bills. Now, keep in mind not paying bills isn't the only thing C wasn't doing. Owing A both and B money and not taking care of dog and cat pets being close to the top of the list. So roommate A tries to go to sleep while pondering a plan to get the hell out of suburban far-away from work, shit smelling townhouse. Anyways, after a long day of work A decided to try and rush to the leasing office before they close and sweet talk them to giving her the form to take home to have roommates sign since it was supposed to be done last week (and apparent the leasing office is the last place C is willing to go now because of owing over a grand to them). A was successful. So although A has not seen roommate C for over a week, she feels more confident on this tactic. Not to mention the notes A left around the house taped to walls and counters for when (if) C comes home to sign the paper. After how many days should A forge C's signature and tell em they signed it while really drunk one night??

All A really wants is a place of her own, with no-one to have to bother for cable money and no pets that aren't her own to feel obligated to take care of so they don't die. She admits to being a clean freak and hard to live with. You'd think B and C would be excited to get her outta there. Let's get it going. So close to single-living A can smell it...

Just right

Apartment hunting tomorrow. Hopefully I'll find home sweet home...

Hit or Miss

I think I'm bipolar.  

Comedians in the Making

After mixing up some words and telling the kids to write their name on their pencils and pick up their paper and being corrected by a six year old (mind you the same smart mouth every time) our class has a discussion about how just like first graders sometimes mess up teachers do too.  And teachers feel just as frustrated and sad when someone rudely points it out as a kid does.  If you know what they meant to say, it doesn't need to be blurted about the room.  This hard task was taken to heart by my class.  Skip ahead several hours and we are walking out to load the busses: I say something silly again and a student points it out and I remind them how teachers make mistakes and they respond with, "well this is your first year after all". Who knew first graders could be comedians as well as students.  

Sleeping with Good Company

I was thinking about figuring out life (and obstacles that come with it) and how it would be nice to be able to this in a day, or however much thought time you put into it.  Yet, it surely doesn't work that way.  And then I thought a bit more and realized if everything was just handed to us in a day, what would be the point?  Well there's that.

So I've decided living without comfortable relationships is difficult. With a new job and new church I've met many, many new people and have yet to really get to know someone.  I even have a hard time correlating names and faces still.  Now here's the problem, how do you build a relationship with someone so you can comfortably spend time with them and have silence where people aren't talking without it being seriously awkward?  I'm pretty sure it only happens through spending that first awkward time together. It just sucks, no one likes having to do it.  What if it just stays at the friendly, "hey, how ya doin, how was the weekend?" and nevermore.  I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out.   All I know for now is that time I do find with those people I am comfortable enough to fall asleep around or say whatever stupid thing that comes to my mind I take for everything it is; I enjoy it and thank God for that time to actually relax while conversing with people.  So sorry if the title of this blog may have sounded more interesting than it turned out to be, but if you ask me finding people you're comfortable enough to be yourself around is the best company one could ask for. 

Heartbreak.

New girl in school, just moved from Saint Louis, upset because she misses people back "home". I never thought I would relate so much to a first grader. Anyone who knows me would have guessed the person I was talking about was myself. A little one during handwriting is looking down, but obviously not concentrating on the letter 'M'. I check on her, "doing okay sweetie?" she looks up at me with tears rolling down her cheeks. Heartbreak, I tell you. Such true feelings from such a young life. Sometimes I forget they are just as capable as feeling what we feel (thou as smaller doses, yet still true; unless of course they are trying to get out of work... Ms. Teacher can tell a faker!). I bring her aside and talk for a bit. She misses family in Saint Louis, she just visited them over the long labor day weekend and they were fresh on her mind. I remind her I'm from Saint Louis and how I understand her feelings. Boy oh boy do I understand them. We tell happy stories about our weekend and try to remember the joy to set aside the sorrow. A hug and she's back off to the letter M, feeling refreshed and glad she got her emotions out.

If only I could function as a six year old at times.

A four day week, day One.

Its funny when you want something, but can't get it.  Or in some cases, all aspirations seem to drift into a wish basket with no bottom. They get lost. I suppose there's a reason for everything. right? I'll keep hoping.  Hope for me maybe? 

Falling backwards

Somehow and where between my five years of school I've fallen backwards into a career.  Lets start with what I really wanted to do: medicine. But bring out all the questions, "is it too hard", "can I really do it", all the pressure of people counting on you to not die, and a first-hand experience of life in a hospital during rounds following doctors my first semester, I decided it not the best path, or at least the one I wanted to take. However, I did come out with an extreme respect for anyone working in that career path. So with that out of the way I had to go to school for something, as with my family if I were to not go to school I would be deemed a failure. My next option was teaching. I always thought I would make a great teacher. But here's the kicker, do I really want to teach?  You'd figure if you were good at something you would be perfectly content making a career of it, but yet I'm struggling.  I did my schooling, made several terrible choices, ended up in a city where I talk to people, but don't know anyone, got lucky student teaching in an extremely nice district, and because of that landed my teaching job in that nice (and wealthy) district.  Two weeks into our year now I'm lost. I question my career choice constantly.  And the selfish part of me wants to partially blame my parents for pushing me into something, anything really.  They always worried I'd be a failure, I could see it in their eyes. "just try it" "just take the courses", "just finish your student teaching" one just phrase at a time I was pushed through to walk across that stage that was considered a golden pathway to life by my parents. Without a degree you will not be happy, they tell me. I've always been the one to question it. Now with them more proud of me than ever, I feel like I failed myself.  I didn't listen to the voice inside my heart telling me I wasn't going the right way.  I now have a class of students counting on me this year, and although the last thing I would do is let them down, I feel angry that I let myself get into a situation like this.  No matter how much I would love to say I'm independent, my parents words effect me.  This hold I've yet to figure out, but I'm determined to find my own path.  I have to give this career a fair chance, as I know right now is probably the most stress that will occur with it. Not to mention there are other factors making it not the way I want it to be, excessive loneliness, living conditions, long drives.  I'm not even sure where I'm going with this but I feel somewhere along my way I lost sight of my goal, just as I did in this blog.