It just sucks sometimes.

First year is the worst, you gain experience, it gets better... I've heard them all. But what is supposed to happen if it is just NOT what you want with your life? Yeah, it may get easier, more enjoyable, yet even so I don't think I would want to live it.

It is beyond me how people enjoy it. The small moments of joy that skip in and out of the day are nice, but hardly worth the other fiascos I'm having to go through.

Perhaps I'm being emotional, but I'm lonely, don't like my job, can't tell anyone how I truly don't think i want to do this job for another year because they are so proud of me for getting there, and don't know how to better my situation. I guess friends would help, but Ill be honest: i'm so closed off and depressed here at times it really makes it hard to want to get to know new people or vise versa. I feel like all I have is to complain about my life now and frankly I wouldn't wish that upon anyone to have to listen to.

Good god I need to get out of this funk. The want is there... now what?

It makes me sick thinking about you. It makes me cry wondering what's going to happen. It makes me question everything. Yet I can't stop. No matter how hard I try, what I do is not right. I'm a faulted human and I'm sorry for it. But I will not stop loving you, it is the only thing that puts me at peace. And I thank you for who you are, even though at times (more often than not) I am not deserving. A broken body I am. I will do my best.

Good.

It seems good. Feelings have been up and down and a lot of money had to be spent to make it work, but I have my own place and it is good. It's not excellent yet, but it is much more tolerable than what I moved from. So I guess in-between. Its weird by myself and lonely at times (especially when friends claim to make plans then never come over), but I think after some time it will get better.

The heater makes a strange noise. Wakes me up every time. I nearly started looking for something hard to hit a burglar with the first time it happened, that's a lie. I just laid as still as possible hoping they wouldn't come in the bedroom... as I laid there the thought came into my mind that I should get something to protect myself though, does that count??

Button loves it. Of course she does. She has her mansion of a cage back and nearly an entire apartment to bunny hop and flop around. She watches TV with me on the couch... so I guess its not lonely at all times.

I will extend my help.... but from a safe distance.

I wonder what the motive for people completely self-involved is to screw over their friends. Gratification that they "win"? The chance at an argument? They are not alright unless the people around them are not alright? Smiles for bringing a friend down with them? Roommate C is now refusing to sign release form for Roommate B because she seems it will screw her. I think she just realized that legally if she signs it she'll be the one responsible for all of her unpaid rent and late charges, which means she will no longer be able to bring us down with her. In situations like these I attempt to give people the benefit of the doubt that they have some logical course of action running through their minds that attempts to make everything reasonable. So while pondering that I put myself in her situation: broke, thousands of dollars owed to numerous places and people, moving in with new boyfriend who is currently paying for everything, unable to find a job, not to mention unwilling to search for one, but happy that she has someone taking care of her. Now me personally in her situation would be excited about having someone to share time with and be happy with, but I would despise them taking care of financial things for me. I think I am one of the few that enjoys being able to provide for myself, but I suppose that makes her happy. Upon thinking and wondering why she is making this so difficult the only thing I can come up with is that she's afraid to loose her friend because of all the shit she's put her through. I happen to know roommate b would never do that, but seeing as though roommate c has thrown an incredible amount of shit our way it is very plausible she's scared her friendship is close to ending. So instead of talking with said roommate about problems she pushes her away because its easier than dealing with issues. Logically that is the only thing i can come up with to explain why one person would want to hurt their friend so badly.

I guess to say the least the fight at stinky townhouse is not over. However roommate A has been accepted at new apartment and is not changing plans. I hate to say it but i'm taking care of myself before helping others. i see it as rude and it gives me an uneasy feeling about my morals, but financially I cannot afford to pull anyone else out of a hole, as I myself am already in one. The physics just don't work. I will take care of my friend as much as I can, I want to help her, but someone causing as much trouble as roommate c is, is not where I can be.

To employ the phrase "treat others as you want to be treated" seems ancient history. Did living in an age where people truly care about others ever exist? I give my students choices to questions, a would you rather have "a" or "b" situation to assure I don't get the regular "i don't know, or don't care" phrase back. I will pose a question here in that matter, 'would you rather live with sincere beings around you with true emotions or be surrounded by empty lives with only good deeds done as planning to hold it over that persons head later?' The answer is simple, but it takes dedication and a foresees many struggling times. It is a challenge to say the least, but I believe the purpose is worth it.

It makes me sad to think about the current state of our society. Society with friends, family, community, within our cites, states, and further seem to manage only by protecting themselves. Humans are capable of doing such amazing things, why is it that we have come to be so selfish? I'm not galavanting that I am the one who is apart from this crowd, let it be known, all I am doing is questioning when this type of life became okay, when did it become "standard"?

I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be famous. I don't want recognition for doing good deeds. I want to live a life with meaning and compassion. Love and honesty. Faith and trust. Grace.

Dreaming upon the stars...

Just as I was walking out late from work murmuring angrily to myself about how I stayed too late and should have left hours ago I happened to look up to the sky and witness a beautiful shooting star. My random observation of the night sky pays off. It was unlike anything I've seen in the sky before. It only lasted 5 or so seconds, but it was sparkling and shimmering just like you see in pictures. I'll be sure to remember it and am thankful for the moment. I love how 5 seconds or even just a few words can make hours worth of work or a bad day alright.

what's up with that?

I was not allowed to switch my current cable plan to my new apartment because the people who lived there before me have not deactivated their service yet. It doesn't matter that they haven't lived there for a week nor does it matter that their account has not been paid for two months. Now really, does it seem a good company policy to deny someone their service (someone who has always paid their bills) because another customer has not paid their bills and been responsible enough to call the company and cancel their service? Normally, had there not been someone still "active" in the new building all I would have to do to transfer my service would be to call, tell them my new address, and be done with it. But because of the incompetence of the previous residents I'm punished by having to bring my new lease, photo identification, and my social security card and drive to the cable companies store and in-person put in my request, then still have to wait to see if it can be put through... I understand the company has procedures they have to follow, but i just can't help feeling like i was given more work because of them.

Really I'm just bitching because I'm pissed i had to go to the cable store twice today just to try to get my already set up service sent to my new home. It was really just an inconvenience that i didn't feel like messing with. The moral of this story is i'm tired of people not paying their bills and me having to deal with the effects.

I HAVE FLEAS!

well... my roommates dog, and probably cat too, has fleas. Lets see... one female flea living approximately two weeks, able to lay 500 eggs in her lifetime, going on about two months of pets not being "properly" taken care of (properly is a very flexible term right now, as anything other than pets not being locked in the basement, possibly fed once every two days, and let out even less is considered properly for this story) would make oh....some 2000 or so fleas in my house. And just to think that's if we only have one lady flea doing the all work. Yes, I'm a dork, I know, I did research, but I knew nothing of them, I didn't know if they were like ticks and living off my blood now or something. And the idea of something besides my pillows in bed with me freaks me out. It gives me goose-bumps thinking about it.

So the only reason I found out what these small red itchy bumps on me were was one of my co-workers asked me why my neck was all red. After I had been scratching it all day, of course. I thought I had chicken pox, seriously it was the only thing I could relate to small itchy bumps, beside mosquito bites. They were much too small to be those. So now I not only have my roommate to thank for making me ridiculously more poor than I already was, but I can congratulate her on allowing her pet' conditions to get so bad they've taken over to us humans for fun as well. Really, I feel bad for those animals, just a few bites were enough to drive me up the wall could you imagine them jumping all over you?

4 MORE DAYS!!!!!!! Oh they could not go fast enough..

All you need is... time

One week. Just one week left... 7 days... 181 hours till i pick up the truck. Come noon next friday, i'm throwing belongings in and drivin a half hour down the road to seclusion. it will be so beautiful.

if only we believed everything we read

its a constant struggle. being who you wish you were and being who you are. somethings you can't change, some you can. I only have two goals in life, but they are big. i've recently realized i could die at any moment. yes, yes, i know, morbid and dumb at the same time. I just never really thought about it. until I asked myself the question recently would i be happy dying as the person i was today? How i acted and what i did today? not yesterday, or the week before... after some deep reflection, this question turned into would i be okay with people close to me dying knowing just what we've said and done in our past and current relationships? these questions were thought provoking. to say the least my goals have been revised. death is scary. i'm not sure if i've been thinking about it more because of the books i've been reading or because of the massive loneliness i've been feeling (for any of you questioning and perhaps worrying, no i am not suicidal, that is a selfish thing to do, the thought does not occur to me), but one way or the other it is affecting me. change is good thou. i like to see myself grow as an individual. you know when you look back at the last year, two years, 10 years, and see what you've done. looking back is important, reflecting helps make you a more understanding person, looking forward helps to keep you prepared, but recently i've come to believe the looking to the moment is what is really needed. You have the now always, the future may not come, the past is already gone, but do what you can with what you have in your seconds. Who's to say you have many more? prolific, i know. its been said before, but i guess you have to truly put it into meaning for yourself to understand it. i think it is a hard way to live, such expectations are set on "i can do it next time" or "i'll say that the next time", but really you may not have the opportunity. no one is to say "next time" is guaranteed. Carpe diem's meaning seriously comes into play...