Everyone knows that person in the shows that is depicted as the trouble maker or bad influence.
Sometimes I feel like that person. Many of the people around me have lived clean lives. Saying that there hasn't been any huge occurrences that have been regretted and put their path on an unwanted path, not that they haven't had conflict or hardships. And then there is me, I have many regrets. I have many things that I would take back or change or hurt myself instead of hurting people around me. I feel sad for feeling like that person.
I know I need to let it go, but I feel like such a huge portion of my life is part of it. It's not that I want my life changed, I love where I am now. I just wish I could have had a little more grace in my path to getting where I am now.
I guess as I live longer that part of my life won't seem as large. I look forward to that. As for today, I will work on going forward with that grace that I wish I had in the past.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I may as well go sit in a box.
I need to have a serious discussion with myself. I do not like where I am career-wise. And ultimately "career-wise" affects my "life-wise" mindset. It's not that I hate this job. This is actually a really nice job, some people would love it, I bet. I hate being run by the clock. Time clocks are not for me. If I need to take a late lunch because we are busy during my scheduled one, I should be able to. I love teaching, I'm feeling lost because it's been so hard getting into what I feel I should be doing. And since I'm not doing what makes me feel accomplished, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing it makes it extremely difficult to devote myself to my current job. I want to travel and be able to take a long weekend to go camping and have the freedom to stay out late and be with my friends. Money does not mean anything to me. It is however, an annoyance in the back of my mind constantly nagging about being able to pay the bills. Although that statement was dumb because without money I wouldn't be able to do those things I just listed. It's a messy circle of doom.
I do not like feeling trapped. There are so many places I want to go over this summer and know it will not happen while I'm working here, since I have NO vacation. I do not like feeling trapped. I just want to cry because the realization that I cannot "do it all" is coming to light and I feel like I'm not ready for it. I love having freedom in my schedule and this is the opposite. I do not like being trapped. Especially trapped by money. How ridiculous.
Money is not what life is about, yet we are all run by it. The only way around it is to find a job you love. This is an incredibly difficult task in this age. Even if you know what you want to be doing, chances are getting into that position will prove to be a challenge. Whether it be you got the wrong degree, thinking at that time it is what you wanted to do, but later realizing in life that you have changed and would be much better at something different or trying to find the right place where you fit in and can make yourself useful, finding that job you love is not easy. And all the while you have to make money somewhere else to be able to live, so you get yourself a job that does not fit your needs or really, for that matter, the companies needs. Therefore, everyone is screwed. This is where businesses find themselves lacking in productivity, have to hire three more people to do what should be one person's job, and general moral goes down the crapper.
It's a big picture of so many people's lives it actually makes me sick thinking about it. I believe everyone has a nitch they can fit in, a job they would be good at and therefore feel good about. Yet, so many people get stuck in the "looking" or "in the meantime" phase they become hopeless or fear not being able to survive (financially and physically) the transition to another position and loose their passion for what they really are good at.
I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get out of it myself. All I know is that I never want to loose my passion for what I'm good at. A person's job is too much of their life to let go by not enjoying. The only option is to never give up, as easy as it is. If you cherish your joy in being able to serve people with what you are good at, you can never give up. You may get stuck "in between" working the job you hate to make the bills, but please don't forget your passion, what you love, there is a place for you.
And there is a place for me.
I do not like feeling trapped. There are so many places I want to go over this summer and know it will not happen while I'm working here, since I have NO vacation. I do not like feeling trapped. I just want to cry because the realization that I cannot "do it all" is coming to light and I feel like I'm not ready for it. I love having freedom in my schedule and this is the opposite. I do not like being trapped. Especially trapped by money. How ridiculous.
Money is not what life is about, yet we are all run by it. The only way around it is to find a job you love. This is an incredibly difficult task in this age. Even if you know what you want to be doing, chances are getting into that position will prove to be a challenge. Whether it be you got the wrong degree, thinking at that time it is what you wanted to do, but later realizing in life that you have changed and would be much better at something different or trying to find the right place where you fit in and can make yourself useful, finding that job you love is not easy. And all the while you have to make money somewhere else to be able to live, so you get yourself a job that does not fit your needs or really, for that matter, the companies needs. Therefore, everyone is screwed. This is where businesses find themselves lacking in productivity, have to hire three more people to do what should be one person's job, and general moral goes down the crapper.
It's a big picture of so many people's lives it actually makes me sick thinking about it. I believe everyone has a nitch they can fit in, a job they would be good at and therefore feel good about. Yet, so many people get stuck in the "looking" or "in the meantime" phase they become hopeless or fear not being able to survive (financially and physically) the transition to another position and loose their passion for what they really are good at.
I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get out of it myself. All I know is that I never want to loose my passion for what I'm good at. A person's job is too much of their life to let go by not enjoying. The only option is to never give up, as easy as it is. If you cherish your joy in being able to serve people with what you are good at, you can never give up. You may get stuck "in between" working the job you hate to make the bills, but please don't forget your passion, what you love, there is a place for you.
And there is a place for me.
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