I'm tired of it.

So basically the only thing keeping me searching for religion told me I should stop going to church today. Interesting. I know they meant just because it puts me in a bad mood, but i hope they understand it's only because it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't go to group tonight because I am not a Christian. I understand there are other people who go who are not Christians. That did not change my decision to not go. I would have liked to see people tonight so there's almost an ounce of regret for not just using group as social time, but deep down I know that is not the purpose of it. Or at least the purpose I would want to get from it. I guess one could go for social time and end up learning something, that would be neat. But I digress...

My mind is constantly unhappy. I can have a good time and enjoy events here and there, but whenever it comes back to time with me and my brain I can't stand myself. I have stuff I want to say, but shouldn't. I have things I probably should say, but won't. I have logic that deters me from doing certain things because it is not healthy. For instance as of right now I'm pretty sure I'll be bringing in the new year by myself. Not like, without a partner, but actually in a house alone. I have an event I've been invited to, but I don't want to go to it for the wrong reasons... and probably regret it, but at some point I need to become independent of this person and what better time than now. I hate this. Why is it so hard to let myself be happy?

Just a phase, right?

I feel depression creeping upon me again as the weekend arrives...

I feel desperation for a conversation including other aspects than watch dog dad's and glories and grips of six year olds...

I feel my heart aching for something, anything, to make it feel anything other than what it has of late...

I feel lost...

I feel anticipation for finally having plans (despite their minority)...

I feel tired of feeling unable to control my emotions...

I feel unable to articulate these feelings to anyone and that makes me feel frustrated for communicating them to a computer instead...

I feel lonely...

I feel angry for being who I currently am...

I feel regret for putting myself out there and getting rejected...

I feel frustrated for not trying harder...

I feel stupid for letting thought-less activities drown out my pain...

I feel sick...

I feel I should be excited for break, but am not...

I feel strange I don't want to be more exposed...

I feel I want to be creative...

I feel dumb for expressing these feelings over and over again and still can't figure it out...

I feel most of all exhausted from feeling these ways and at a loss for finding a way to make it stop.

I feel I'm going to take a walk...

There is a reason for that rule

After picking kids up from recess:

Teacher: "where were you?"

Student: "I was at the nurse"

Teacher: "Why, are you alright?"

Student: "A wood-chip from the playground got caught in my throat"

Teacher: *blank stare* "How did that happen?"

Student: "well..." *long pause* "they were throwing them around and I opened my"

Teacher: "stop right there. I want to you assure me this story is the truth. It sounds like you're about to tell me one went into your mouth and then got stuck."

Student: *nods head up and down*

Teacher: "I just want you to think for a minute and when I come back I'd like to hear what happened."

Student: "wait.. I uhhh" *ridiculously long pause* "how can I say this without you getting mad?"

Teacher: *begins to loose patience and makes it apparent to student*

Student: "well... I made a snowball. And then ate it."


Believe it or not, but some rules are really there for a reason.

I hate money.

Don't you just love it when people assume since they have money, you do too? Oh, yeah I'd love to go in on a $400 Christmas present with you, no problem. Let's see subtract rent, gas bill, electricity, cable bill, cell phone, gasoline, student loans, credit card payment, prescriptions, pet supplies, and the occasional meal for myself and I'll be able to chip in about 20 dollars. The part that is really bothering me is that the girlfriend is paying more for my parents gift than I can. How miserable does that make me feel? I know they just want to get them a nice present, but seriously. I wish a million times over I didn't flunder the last year with credit cards, I'd be so better off if I didn't screw myself over that way. I'd love to go out and spend money on the people I love this year, but I'm trying desperately hard to get myself to a stable financial point. It sucks, but looking at the big picture I can't wait to not have those payments every month.

I'm going for the actual spirit of Christmas this year with telling the people around me I care about them without buying fancy presents. I realize that sounds like the cheap way out of it (and yes that is part of it), but really I hate how people get you something and expect something in return. Or even worse they give you something just so they can get something. The best presents I've ever gotten were the ones a person got me just because they knew I had a bad day or because I was sick. The question, "are you getting me something?" dumb. Everyone knows you only ask that so you know whether or not you have to get that person something in return. I have a couple people I want to give something small to, but its not just to give them something its to show them I care about them and what I gave them made me think about them. It is going to be something made or baked. And then you will not believe this, but I don't want anything in return. I don't like that my gift makes people feel they also need to get me something. That's silly. If I give a person a present their enjoyment and happiness is all I like to see. I'd rather give than get, I know this sounds like a load of crap, but really its true. And especially with the way I've been thinking lately I already have too much junk I dont need. All I know that this time of the year is great if you are around people who understand this.

I get sad when I think about the spirit of Christmas lost to the hooplah of making sure you got everyone a gift. It's a special time of year to enjoy. I can honestly say I've already enjoyed mine knowing that I don't have to worry about what to buy people; cuz that's nothing. Well minus a few craft and bakery supplies I picked up. I don't even know why I'm still writing about this, it just gets me fired up and depressed at the same time.

Four was not enough.

Thought I was going to have to call an ambulance last night. My body hurts. I couldn't open my eyes from the pain. And I realize describing it will never get the real effect, so I just wanted it noted that I almost called a couple people at about 4 in the morning to ask them how many medications I could mix together before I would pass out, but I had enough sense left in me to realize that all they would have heard was a congested, sobing, murmuring crazy person asking about pills. I decided to stop at four, but they didn't help.

For now...

I'm incredibly pissed. I had this extremely meaningful post and just lost it because my computer has come up with this new "game" of closing my window randomly. I will attempt to re-cap my thoughts, but I'm pretty sure it will not be near as interesting (on part of redundancy from my perspective).

I've been thinking a lot. And of all the scenarios have gone through my mind (probably each hundreds of times) and the one that makes the most sense is that I'm just ready to go home. What if I am ready? Set aside all the "failure" feelings, I would still be independent, I would still be doing the job I spent years in school for, I would still have an apartment I'm sure I'd be lonely in occasionally, with the exception of having family and friends around when I need them or need something beside myself. And the part that would really be exciting would be if they need me I could be there. I like people trusting me or asking me to listen or just telling me about their lives. I think loneliness causes boredom as well. I'm so sick of thinking about my life and what I need to do that I'm ready to just experience anything beside my poor excuse for living. I shouldn't be so negative. I love my student's. They are the high point of my life now. They keep me on my feet and give me others to care about. And I do, care about them, so I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but conversing with children is extremely different than having an "adult conversation". That phrase actally made me cringe until recently. I love talking with my kids and getting the best out of them, but there is only a point you can go to with them. I guess the phrase adult conversation, to me, just means taping into more meaningful emotions and experiences. Now let it be marked this is how I feel now. Perhaps in 5 months I will feel completely different. Yet, for the present, I'm set on moving home, getting a school gig there, and having an apartment without tons of waisted food because I don't know how to grocery shop without thinking "maybe a friend will come over and I can make us snacks while we watch tv, talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company". That has yet to be experienced here, beside the weekend I moved in and the weekend my family came to see me. Which, sadly enough, were all instances of people from home keeping me that company. I wish I could just open myself to being happy here. I'm going to make that my goal the months to come. I can be in charge of my happiness (repeat that 10 times, then maybe it will be easier to believe).

I get the hint

When hope is all you have and you loose that... it leaves nothing more to say.

It is easy to fall apart without knowing yourself... and even at times if you do.

I had a sudden urge come over me this morning. I have many clothes I do not wear, so while listening to the hanging of the greens on speakerphone, I rummaged through every article of clothing I own and asked myself "do I actually wear this?" To say the least my closet is much less full. Pant, shirts, sweaters, even about 10 pairs of shoes are now sitting ready to be donated to someone who will use them. However I wish I got rid of more, yet certain expectations are held of me at my job, so I opted to keep some things because of that. I recently have had this feeling come over me often. For instance my phone contract just ended and I was planning on getting one of those really sweet touch phones with music and internet and all the bells and whistles. After thinking about it for a week I decided there is really nothing wrong with my current phone. That hundred saved went towards my credit debt, and after all that would be the greatest thing for me to have: no debt. Because of this current mind state I'm in I'll have one of my cards paid off and canceled by the end of this month (it is the biggest one too). This may seem non-important, yet it is extremely meaningful to me. I got myself into debt through a blunder of bad choices and mistakes and now, as I see the sea parting, I feel a great weight being lifted. The title of "debt-ful" makes me a person I do not like. I haven't always been the most responsible with my money, but I'd like to think I wasn't stupid about it; that was until about a year ago. Now that I am working hard to rid myself of the terrible feeling that comes with those bad choices and high interest rates, all I can say is that this will be a good holiday. I will have time with my family and friends and be able to become the person I once wanted myself to grow up to be. It's funny for me to think about how much I've changed. It took me becoming the person I never wanted to be to get back on track to being that caring and selfless individual I always want people to see me as.

I talked to an old friend on the phone last week. He told me about life and how things were going. After listening to my friend talk for a while, not planning on telling about how I was doing and despite my mind yelling for me not to truly share how I was feeling, I did it any ways. Upon reflection I probably did because his situation was similar, I guess it's always easier to share when you know the person can understand. Anyway, Loneliness, sadness, unsurety of where to go, you name all those deep inner feelings and I let them go. I told them I was miserable and unwilling to let myself be happy because I feel unworthy of those wonderful things. I'm not even sure he realized it because he was complaining of similar feelings but as he talked I felt like we were walking through our torment together. I came to realize that I am not okay here. I am not open to anyone or thing and I'm not sure how to be. My unwillingness is scary. I keep thinking if I move home I will be happy and I do not doubt that, but I do need to really ask myself if I will be able to move on with my life. I have a great friend there. Somedays I want more with that friend, than just friendship; all days to be completely honest. But I have to understand that that time has passed. Things have happened and it cannot be the way I wish it was. Now knowing that I understand this how do I make it happen?

Back to the beginning of the story... I was listening to church this morning and hearing my friend sing brought tears to my eyes. Yes, she sounded beautiful, but I'm pretty sure that was only a part of the reason for my tears. I have made myself try and try to make this place home. I even put up christmas decorations. It is a nice apartment, I do like it, but I can't make it feel like home. Every time I go to the grocery store I buy food like crazy on the off-chance a friend will come over and I'll be able to make snacks for us to hang out, watch the fire, and laugh together. It never happens. Even if I try to get people to come here, the ones I don't really know, not like the friends I truly love, like the ones back home, something happens and I'm left alone. Disappointment and sadness have the reigns over my life and I can't get control. If I move home I will unappropriately wish for something I cannot have, but at least have family and friends to help get me through, if I stay here I feel I will make a life of nothing; no actual feelings no real emotion, I fear for becoming a heartless fool.

On the upside, a life of loneliness really lets one get to know themselves. I know this was something a long time coming for me, as I know genuine people say nothing is deserved, yet the phrase "what goes around comes around" I think has served my sentence. I do feel I deserve what I'm going through. So for now I will hope that this phase was necessary for me to become the human I wish myself to be like, however I hope moreover that it is soon to be at an end. I fear I cannot take much more of a life similar to this. The heart-aching solitude this has become is no longer wanted. The short routine day tasks, saving money to dig myself out of the hole I'm in, celebrations of doing something nice for others can fulfill me only partly, there is more for me to feel whole. I fear I will only let this city give me a fraction of what I need.

Just kidding.

I wanted to write in here earlier. Now I don't. Guess i won't then.