Hello there.

Well hello! Yes, little blog how are you doing? It's been a while. You know, for the longest time I had no idea what this "blogging" occurrence was. I'm still not sure what the actual term 'blog' means, but I'm pretty sure it's what I'm doing now. Writing and stuff...I think the special things about blogs is that they are supposed to have a focus....ummm, well, my life is a good enough focus for me.

Anyways.... I just got back to the STL and am hyped up on energy drinks. That's a lie. I'm hyped up on about a third of an energy drink. I'm pathetic when it comes to caffeine, the slightest bit makes me pretty insane. I have another job fair this weekend. This one for a district I know nothing of, but figured beggars can't be choosers, so any district willing to offer me a job would be a good one. My principal wrote me a letter of reference/recommendation tonight. It is very nice, really makes me want to stay and work with her actually, but she's moving on and I as well need to. I don't have anything planned for tomorrow and am looking forward to it. Maybe go for a run, fill out a ridiculously long application for the fair Saturday, play some piano, drive around town, who knows? It will be nice.

I talked for a while (nearly the whole drive home actually) to a friend about life and randomness and it was great. It's so relaxing and uplifting to just have a conversation with no agenda, with just enjoying talking to each other.

That's everyone's assignment for this week: converse with someone for at least an hour just to talk and listen. Maybe you do that a lot with people, maybe not (I know I never do), but it really is neat to see where the conversation goes and what will come up. Hopefully it will leave you with a feeling of gladness and relaxation. If not....I'm sorry I had the idea.

Oh, and I realized some of my very favorite smells this week(or was thinking about them at least). I'll share them: hotel hallways that smell like pools (they did a deep clean of the school late one night while I was still up there and it smelled wonderfully of bleach/chlorine). Really I guess any hallway with that smell is great, but I always relate it to vacationing long ago with the parents and getting to play in the indoor pools. My second smell I really love is after a thunderstorm outside. The feel of that smell is just great for me. I used to love to sit on my parents back porch swing and watch the rain pour and lighting zig zag across the sky just to wait for the calm afterward. The rain after slamming against the wood deck would splatter and mist my bare feet. I can still hear the swing squeak as I slowly rocked back and forth waiting for the rage of the storm to settle into the peacefulness that always came post-fury. And a last favorite smell: sawdust and cigarette smoke. Slightly strange, yes.. Meaningful to me, also yes. Working in my grandfathers woodshop basement with my dad and grandpa is now a cherished memory of mine. Everyone was happy down there. We'd work on whatever meaningless project we planned for that week in good company and happy to be making something we knew we could later have pride in. Ironically enough that favorite smell was what killed my grandpa (the smoking, not the bandsaw or other terribly dangerous machinery he had down there). I, luckily, relate that smell to good times, instead of the agony it caused of me loosing a loved one. My grandpa was the first one to let me taste beer. He always washed the dishes after dinner so me and my brother wouldn't have to. He played rummy with me as often as I asked to. He was a good grandpa. It hurts to think of all the pain I had to watch him endure before he passed, he wasn't the same man the last year or so of his life because of, but I try to remember the good and not dwell on what makes me angry. Yet I've gotten off track...actually I've said all I wanted to say. In conclusion, those are my three favorite smells. You can thank my AMP for the long ramblingness of reminiscence.

He got to me. I gave him exactly what he wanted. I'm disappointed in myself, I told myself over and over I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't give up. He was being cruel though. Cruel. And I can only take so much before I defend the others; in harshness to him. It was inappropriate. Shame on me.

We are all different after all.

Alright. So I'm not a big bar fan. If I want to get trashed I find it much more appealing, more comfortable, and most importantly much cheaper to either do it in my own home or at a close friends place. Now knowing that, I was invited out for one of my co-workers birthday dinner/drinks the other night. I had nothing to do, so I figured better to be out with some company rather then watching movies by myself. The night was fun. I did have a good time, there was drinking (lots of it), dancing, and some good socializing. The night started rocky with me forgetting my ID and having to drive 20 minutes back to the house and then back to the restaurant. Talk about embarrassing. They all made fun of me saying I look 12 and should have it everywhere with me, which was deserved. I used the excuse that I never go out for drinks and it didn't even occur to me to bring it (I always have it in my purse, but I only took my debit card with me and kept it in my pocket). I say that was an excuse, but a true one at that. Anyways we ate dinner (well i ate quickly after returning to the restaurant and they watched me, since they were already finished) and then proceeded to the bars. We went to the power and light district which is an area with several bars all right next to each other. The drinks were at the cheapest place we went to $5, and that was a beer. Add the cover charges for each place we went to and the night's cost really added up. I'm going to repeat I did have a good time, but once dinner and four beers added up to $50 dollars I began wondering if I just wouldn't had been better off watching those movies. Is it sad to think I'd rather save my money then go out and have fun? I love having fun, I guess I'm just more prone to having fun the moderate way. Some of the people we were out with got so trashed they had to be carried and were vomiting in the car on the way home. This is just me, but that would just ruin the night for me. Drinking to the point of getting sick and completely not being in control of your body is just not an idea of fun in my mind. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the occasional getting silly drunk, but I would only do it where I was comfortable and not in public embarrassing myself in front of everyone. You know what? When I say it like that I guess it makes me kind of jealous of those people who can do that. They don't care what others think, just do what they want.... well, or after enough alcohol I guess they don't care. I don't know. Not even sure what my point of this rambling was... I just feel like a loner sometimes when it comes to choosing between getting wasted in public or comfortably at home.

Got a new student today.

Started feeling sick today...again.

Gonna load up on vitamin C as to not get sick...again.

Bought Clementines and orange juice tonight.

That's about it.

I'm cold, I'm going to bed.

We'll take that sad looking one in the back...

Sooooo it's kind of dissapointing when people realize you don't do anything except sit around and keep yourself company. My day to day routine was found out and shortly after I was adopted. I have a friendly married couple that I practically spent the whole weekend with. We went out for dinner and drinks, played cards (I learned a new really sweet game), watched a movie, went to church, and watched the Superbowl all just this weekend. That's more then I've done combined for the past four months here (going home not included, there's always people to be around there). Anyways, I have mixed feelings. I really like them and enjoyed spending time talking to other people besides myself, however in situations like that I can't but help feel like I'm intruding. I know they would probably say "get lost" or whatever if they wanted me away, but I just really hope they are not inviting me around because they feel sorry for me. I don't think that is actually the case, yet it was floating around my mind occasionally as the weekend past. Nonetheless, it was nice to spend some time out of my apartment. I already know I have awesome friends, but (and I'm going to try to say this in the least offensive way possible because I did enjoy my weekend) when you hang out with people you don't know that well it gives you a great appreciation for the ones you are completely comfortable around, those friends who know you as much as you know yourself. Oddly enough hanging out with these people here made me miss my friends at home. I couldn't just enjoy the present time, nooooo, I had to compare it. Like while playing the new card game I learned all I could think was "I can't wait to teach this to my friends back home, they'll love it, I hope I remember all the points so I teach it to them right!" And while I was at church I wanted my friends to be able to be there and experience it and share it with me too because it was a really awesome service. And during the movie an old joke came up and I accidentally said it out loud and got looked at kinda weird. I also got my haircut this weekend and wanted to tell them about it but they can't actually see it so I got sad. I realize I'm crazy, yes thank you. I did enjoy my weekend, but couldn't help to revert everything back to home. What the crap is wrong with me, why can't I stop doing that and just live here?? It's like my lifeboat is cities and people instead of attributes. I want to be happy with what I have here, instead of wishing it was like home. Places are different, people are different, it's not bad, just different. Why is this so hard?

One more weekend here and two more work weeks and then my February is going to fly by with long weekends home and the job fair. I'm already nervous about the job fair, but I'm really hoping that will be my "in" for a job. I've talked to lots of people here if whether job fairs are worth it and they all strongly urged me to go, so I put in my personal day for the 20th and will be there ready to impress. I get butterfly's fluttering around just thinking about it...egh. New topic, before I start full out worrying....

Uhhh, yeah I don't have anything else so I'll just go ahead and rap this one up. Tootles.