Goobly Goop

Tiiiirrrrredddd. Soooo tiiirrreeeddd oooooof beeeeeeeeeeinng siiiick. (Sung in the key of G)

Yup. Spring break is so close I feel like this week is spring break. That didn't make any sense.

I think it's so neat I've got a job where I still get spring break. Take that suckers with real jobs and no breaks!

Next time, my place.

It always happens, but I continue to try. Interestingly enough, I go in with a positive attitude and hope for the best. I did the same last night. Plans were to get some dinner and watch a movie at her place. This was an especially perfect plan since we just had 7 inches of snow dumped on us and the roads were a mess. Nevertheless, people started calling and were going out, so of course we had to join. I was disappointed and let it be known, especially since driving in bad weather when drinking is going to be done is never a good idea. Anyways, long story short I was left with her trashed group while she flirted, made out with, and fawned over her current boy she's dating. To top it off, half of the group was ignoring me because my old roommate was there and apparently has told them things about me to make them not want to talk to me. Pretty fun, stuff.

I love her to death and all I really wanted to do was to hang out with her. Talk and see what's going on in her life, tell her about what's up with me, we only got to talk a little during dinner. I guess it's just hard sometimes because our ideas of hanging out are different. I drive a half hour to see her, not watch her kiss her date across the bar. I ended up hanging out with her date's roommate the majority of the night. Beat him in cheap electronic cricket and video golfing. Yet, I couldn't but help shake the feeling that she was secretly setting us up. We ended up staying the night at their house (against my will, how uncomfortable was that?!), her passing out on the couch, the boys stumbling upstairs to their rooms and myself left awake in a random place. I knew I should have drove. Well... I should stop complaining. I put myself in that situation and well, knew it's happened before, so why wouldn't it again?

Better luck next time, I guess.

If I could live in a movie, as my life, I found what my choice movie would be tonight: Twilight. Yup, I need me a vampire.

It's called respect.

If you are not treated back, the way you treat someone something is differing in the minds of those involved. I cannot judge, for I do not know the answer, but I do know what I saw seemed nothing of the mutual sort.

Oh, the days you wish you called in sick.

I'm not one to enjoy associating myself with drama. Actually, I usually work to keep it as far from myself as possible. There are two main reasons for this:

#1: drama is almost always an overreaction to one's own feelings about something really not that important. Without taking time to consider how you truly feel about something is when drama happens. Pure emotion, and usually negative emotion, is a manifestation of drama. I do realize when something happens the easiest route to take is to act off how you feel in that moment. This happens to everyone, it's just a matter of how far you take it; one person= you were upset, half a building= you are stirring shit up. Simpler as it is, I've learned time and quiet thought create a better picture of what's actually going on. Another hard task is understanding both sides, but albeit, extremely helpful.

#2: I'm not good at dealing with drama. I say things that are either unhelpful or just said to say "something" at an attempt to comfort the dramateer. These "somethings" are reflected upon by myself later and I'd say 90% of the time I realize my comments were wrongful to at least some extent. Then I have to go back on what I said earlier, which makes me a hypocrite. I hate it when I make myself a hypocrite.

There's work drama coming at me, from different schools even, and I found myself exhausted at the end of the day. Drama is not entertaining to me, it is extra work. So by all means, if you have a problem that's been troubling you and you'd like to discuss it, I'll talk you though it; with an attempt to see the big picture. Yet, please don't come at me with "he said" "she said" baloney because more often than not it's not true and if you really have a problem with a person you should be talking it out with them, not complaining to someone else.

There I go again, being hypocritical. Complaining to my computer, when in reality I should have just told those people I prefer not to be involved. How do you tell people you care about that you don't want to discuss their issues, without seeming stone-hearted? I guess that's the mystery of drama, it sucks you in, no matter the role you'd prefer to play.

Now I truly understand why 9-5 people look forward to the weekend.

The 1400 calory dinner.

I find it interesting that I can eat a whole box of rice-a-roni by myself. That's like supposed to be a family meal, right? Well...I suppose I do eat it as my main course, not as a side to something else (besides my pickles, of course) That has to count for something.

Yeah.

I've recently taken up a stance on caring about what others think about the way I look: I don't care. I realize it sounds blunt and mean, but it's quite enlightening actually. Instead of waking up and picking out an outfit and asking myself, "will this look ok?" I now ask myself, "do you like it?" and if the answer is yes, I go for it. I've known for a while that at my job I have no one to impress (although if you look like crap 6 year olds will tell you. I've been told I would look better with make-up on from one of my kids, precious, right?), however I do have a certain professional standard that we are required to uphold. So, I meet my requirement now by dressing myself appropriately the way I feel fit, not the way others will judge me fit. It's hard some days. And somedays I worry about it more than others. But the best thing is that the more I think it and the more I do it, the easier it is. Make-up was really my starting point. I haven't worn make-up consecutively for almost a year now. I don't mind wearing it, matter of fact somedays it's fun to look a little different, but for the most part I don't like wasting time putting it on. I think it's annoying to put on (I never really learned actually, I have my mom to thank for that). Don't get me wrong, occasionally I will put on some, but that's if I feel like it. If I feel like looking different that day, not because I need it to look good. I know that whole "beauty is within" thing sounds like a load of crap in today's society, but I'm goin' for it. So I've started with make-up and done well, now I'm crossing into other aspects, like clothing. So much is judged by what you wear. And it really makes me sad to think people judge others because of the pants they're wearing. I like clothes, I do, don't get me wrong, I like to look good, but my new thing is looking good by my standards, not anyone elses. It's fun actually. Getting past opinions is hard, but creating your own way is worth the journey I think.

Anyways, this whole entry started because I was thinking about my hair. My point I was going to make was that I realized when I don't feel like straightening my hair I don't. I just put it up. But the way I like my hair to look is straightened, so I guess I was just proud of myself for doing something for myself and not for the strangers/co-workers/family/friends that look at me.

Disclaimer: Please note, I do care what others think, I am as flawed of a person as the next, I guess it just feels good to write about the inner workings of my mind that sometimes make me smile. Understand this was far from bragging and by no means did I mean to put down others who think differently. (see, I do care) I do believe, furthermore, that the power of the individual is incredible. So knowing we all have that power inside of us, why not use it, instead of trying to blend in with everyone else? Just a thought.

CA-BOOOOM! CRASH! Drip, drip, drop.

I love thunderstorms. Love em. The more lightening, the better. Gotta sleep with the window open, I highly recommend it. (maybe just cracked thou, cuz you don't want your stuff to get all wet). Just when you things are settling down and the rain and wind calms, everything gets all crazy again! (in that manner I suppose thunderstorms are like life) I think Forest would say, "life is like a thunderstorm, you'll never know when it will stop". Hmmm, slightly morbid.

Not because I can't, but because you can.

I can now understand why chivalry is missed by some women. I'm the type that's perfectly fine with walking anywhere alone or opening my own doors, or whatever happens to be done with that term. I never really even think about it actually. And then I hear women talk about how angry they were that their date didn't open their car door for them or something dumb like. Yeah, duh, they didn't open your door, hello? It's called automatic locks, why walk all the way around the car when it's already done for them? I hear ya guys. Well tonight, I'll admit I was walked to my car, and although it was completely unnecessary, it was pretty nice. I think it was the part about being taken care of and worried about that was nice. It's not like I couldn't walk myself to my car, of course I can, I have two legs, but it was done not because of that, but to ensure I safely made it. Granted it was done by a 50+ year old man married to a woman I work with (we were celebrating her birthday tonight), I still say it's nice to be cared for. Now I'm going to stick with my original feelings on this circumstance. Chivalry does not need to be done 24-7, guys need to be taken care of as well, after all (even if they deny it), but I will admit after experiencing it, it would be one of those special-occasion nice things. Just to show you care. Not because I can't do it. Not all the time. Maybe just once in a while, to remind me. Girls are dumb like that. We need reminders of why things are. Yeah.

Winter=Sad; Happy Weather=Happy People

Winter is depressing. I didn't fully understand that thought until I spent the season alone. For instance, today, the first warm, enjoyable-weathered day in a long time (that I wasn't stuck at work late) and my nightly routine completely changed. Nothing happened to put me in a good mood, work was a routinely normal day. I just had the urge to do things differently, different from cuddling myself up in a blanket and watching Friends and Scrubs episodes that I've seen dozens of times already, while really zoning off in my head and not watching at all. My evening was very nice. I read for a while out on my deck, enjoying the cool breeze, and played my piano for a while with the window open behind me, learning some new Disney songs and finding inspiration for new Laura originals. It's amazing what the weather can do to us. Back to my beginning point, though. I hadn't realized what a hermit crab I had become until recently. Seriously, the only places I would go (besides work and my apartment) were either Target or Walmart, depending on what supplies I needed. Well, and St. Louis too, I would go there. Which brings me to my next point of realizing what a shut-in I am. Without friends or family around it makes it that much harder to do things. Anything. Especially in the cold dark winter. Even silly things like, I don't like running here at night, when I would do it all the time back home. If something happened here no-one would think twice about me until I didn't show up for work. Now, yes, I realize that logic is partially flawed because it is quite probable that something could happen while running at night in St. Louis (probably more likely actually), but there is just something about knowing people are within calling distance to come and save me pending a broken leg or whatever happens while running. Anyways, I'm slightly sick so forgive me if this is not making any sense. The main just is that winter makes life sadder. I know people always say it and that it's commonly known information that people are more depressed during winter, but I am (and suppose always will be) one of those people that has to experience it myself before truly believing it. Not that I thought it was dumb or false, it just didn't have meaning for me until recent. I always tell my kids without background knowledge of what someone is saying the depth of their knowledge will not be as great (in less fancy terms). That's why activating prior knowledge is so important. Gosh, I don't even know why I'm talking about that. You know it's time for bed when you stop making sense of your own writing. Remember, personal experience + prior knowledge = meaningful life. Man, I'm a loser.