A compromise has to be made.

There comes a time when a person's effort is not enough. There's only so much one person can pull before the uneven weight collapses it all. I can honestly say this past week has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time. My body has actually gotten to the point of fighting me. As of two days ago I could no longer control my emotions. It was just too much. I was sad and angry and upset and couldn't convince myself otherwise. It's a scary thing when you reach that point.

I sat on my bed telling myself it's not that bad, I can get past this. Yet, could not actually make myself believe it. There's been a lot of stress floating around me lately and I let it get to me. I need to be one of those people who just lets it flow and not bother them. Yet, I cannot change the way I react (despite how badly I want to right now).

I need to stop the self pity party and suck it up. I just don't know how to.

What a wallowing, pathetic feeling. Ugh.

I don't like it.

Some things just make me real angry. Then they make me real sad. It's like I'm going through phases, but then it just stops there.

The thing I'm thinking about I have strong feelings on the subject, but I do not care to write about it. At least not now, in my sad phase. Maybe in a less caring one I'll attack it some other day, but for now, I just feel like being sad about it.

No need to worry. It will soon pass.

Tomorrow's Tuesday...

I would quote this as the randomness of random.

Lately, there's been a lot going on. Not just with me, it seems everyone has their time occupied. Not necessarily with physical activities, but something of the sort that keeps their mind moving. Mean thoughts being exchanged, people being hurt, people being appreciative, people being kind, jobs changing, people sick, people healing, basically I can think of a little of it all happening somewhere around me now. It's interesting to take a step back and just watch. I've considered myself unemployed for some time now, and I've been through many of phases, yet just getting to the point of acceptance and looking at my time as a positive, I find it funny that I was offered a job. It's nothing special, your regular run of the mill office-phone answering job, yet it paid enough to let me know if I took it I would feel more comfortable financially. And although it is not something I will love doing, I feel fairly comfortable saying I think something better will come along, this will just keep me afloat until then. Living by trying to just stay afloat is a funny thing, well it's not funny at all actually. So many people are doing it and frankly I don't see it as a positive way to be. Finances are usually the cause of the sinking feeling and it pains me to know how much of a hold money has on our lives. I just don't know what to think of it. So many would say if they had more money they could be better people, i.e. giving more and raising their daily emotional well being. Here's what I'm wondering: why does it take more money to do that? I get it, I do. More money equals more options, more freedom in how lives are lived. Therefore more ways to do good. I guess I'm just trying to say that it makes me sad that is what it takes to think we can be better. Well, really I'm not sure what I'm getting at, besides the fact that I hate money and how I feel it runs my life. Finances are like being tied to a rock while plummeting to the depths of the sea for me. There's a corny simile for you. I just feel trapped by it. It's humorous I went into this having no notions of what I wanted to say and this is what came out. I want to dream of a world without money tonight. I know without the doom of money, surly other problems would arise just as daunting, but I'm just sincerely curious in what it would look like.

...let the mind daydream for a bit...

October flew by like breeze, ha, a breeze with lots of rain. It's my favorite month, not just because my birthday is in it, however that did make it particularly special this year. I am usually opposed to using the word blessed, it's just not in my comfort level of speaking, but it's probably the best word I could think of to describe my birthday. It's not that I was given an amazing present that my friends all went in on together, although that was an incredible bonus, but rather I got to feel how much they care. It was my special day to feel loved and they accomplished it. Not that I don't feel loved by them every other day, but I think you understand the sentiment. Anyways, October is my favorite month for many reasons. I love the weather, the cool wind, the beautiful colors, the changing of times, it's all rather pleasant for me. But that's not the biggie. Really, October stands for something in my mind. Kind of like Missouri was the gateway to the West, I see October as the gateway to the special time of year. October is the beginning of family get-togethers, the beginning of thinking of special ways to show special people you love them, the opening to long school breaks for students who need a rest from class. It's the beginning of a great season, in my opinion. I guess it's just my favorite time of year. I love bundling up and having cozy fires and taking in the atmosphere created by all the sights and smells. I'm not a person that enjoys hype, matter of fact I love Thanksgiving more than Christmas because I feel the message hasn't been killed quite as much. Christmas definitely has a special place for me, just maybe not for the reasons that are most commonly associated with that holiday. I love thanksgiving because their are no expectations. People gather because they love each other and want to celebrate together. Probably what Christmas is more supposed to look like.

...a few seconds of reflection...

I have no where I'm going with this, other than the fact I felt like typing and this is my outlet. I'm not trying to make bold statements or sway anyone's opinions, merely stating my own, because sometimes it gets old with them just swishing around in my head. I have no purpose to this blog and I like it that way. I know they are supposed to be focused and concentrate on one thing, yet I think having an outlet for ones thoughts is important. Everyone does it differently, some talk, some meet, some pray, some use physical methods, some write, I type. Or more so a mixture of all of the above.

...another dose of wandering and here's the conclusion, random, but seemingly a closing...

I went into this blog feeling the need to write about how I feel changed and have been doing things to keep my outlook positive recently and somehow my mind went astray. I felt selfish. So self-serving to be always writing about myself. Today, I felt more of the big picture was on my mind. Everyone has problems, everyone has activities, everyone has their life. It's so easy to be consumed by our own selves. Yet it's the love of others that makes it easy to see outside of that. It's ironic and slightly comical how we work. One word, so small, is such an excruciating large part of our lives that without makes it nothing. You go by, just staying afloat, lacking that key without the goal in mind. Let it seem trivial and obvious, but I hate how easy it is to forget about love. The center of it all, and so easily pushed aside. How is it that the ultimate of all feeling, showing, receiving, giving, can be so inconsequential at times? So battered down by everything other, the reality is buried or warped to things not meant to be. Such a pure emotion. Yet so misused and ignored. It's a wonder how it's dealt with day after day and still comes back for more. Unworthy, but still it is there. Always coming back for more. Astounding.

I am alright.

I want to be ok. I would love to be able to get up with a purpose. I realize soon after I have my purpose I will wish for more free time. I need to make myself realize this is ok for now. It will look different soon and for the time being I need to be ok. It doesn't have to be great or special, it can just be alright. Enjoy my time, do things I normally wouldn't have time for, spend time with my family. I will try to make this time ok, even though it is so easy to not be.

At least after so much, you just start laughing.

I want to write so badly. I need to explode about this day. All I can do is stare at the screen.

As if it could be any more fustrating...

I just want to scream.

Some thoughtful reflection.

I love when you have those conversations where everything comes out. Where worries, fears, hopes, dreams, goals... etc, etc, all fly free. And you leave feeling satisfied. Oh, and if you're lucky you leave having learned something new, too. I've had several of these recently and can't but help feel grateful for all the love I've received.

I'm really glad for my friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything and I'm gonna love them no matter what. It's sad that it takes times like now (when I'm an absolute mess and they are the ones pulling me through) to say things like that, but I'm thankful one way or the other. They know when they're a mess, I'll be there too.

Family is good too. Not downplaying on that, they are a good definite constant, however I wasn't raised sharing emotions freely, so it's more awkward with them, yet they still listen when I talk. That was quite the run-on sentence, but I like it despite that so it's staying. Anyways I should learn how to rely on family more, it's always been a fault of mine to just run and hide. Yeah, you know: Fight or Flight? I make a pretty great bird.

Anyhow, I guess I just wanted to state my thankfulness of all the love I have received as of recent. It's always been here, I've just never been receptive to it (or good at getting/asking for it). It's easy to see how thankful I should be. I'm not saying it's over or everything is all better, all I'm saying is that it is so much easier to deal with knowing I'm surrounded by people who care and want to help.

10 points to Laura for moving back to St. Louis!

Priceless points to the people who make it incredibly worthwhile.

I'm going to make it a new fad.

I have a new hobby. Collecting jobs where they call me when I can work. Yup.

Not the best analogy, but it will suffice.

Some times life is messy. Other times your brain plays tricks on you. Despite the difficulty of those times you still have to plow through.

Consider me a worker horse, like one of those big oxen pulling the carts through the fields. I'm doing my best to get the job done.

The wait continues.

It's like I found work without really finding work. That didn't make any sense. Guess I'll just hope for a sick teacher.

And for my call Wednesday to go well.

Happy, happy, think happy.

I'm tryin this thing where not everything in my blog is negative. Although, that's when I think to write. So... we'll see how it goes.

A good friend of mine got a new job today. He's been looking for a long time, I'm so very happy for him.

One positive down, this is easier than I thought.

I also got a job, although I haven't been able to start because of silly paperwork and such, but it is coming. And when it does.... well I'll be working. It seems almost weird going to work, it's been too long. I love having a purpose. Hopefully next week, I'll be able to start.

There, that was a fairly positive paragraph as well. Good for me. I'm on my way.

One step at a time.

Harder than I knew it would be. Persistence is my goal now. And as much as I hate it, social networking. It seems if you want a job in the field you're qualified for you need to know someone. It's silly thinking that the people who would be best at the job may not necessarily be considered first. But here I am, about to join that circle.

I've really been focusing on staying positive. Even if the worst happens, I'll still be okay. Life will continue. I just love having a purpose and without one, I'm finding myself sad. A whole new kind of sad than I'm used to. Now that I am surrounded by people that love me (and that I love very much back) it's not a matter of being lonely, but wanting to share good news. They are all so supportive, even at times too supportive, if there's such a thing. I want to be able to shout good news and feel the excitement of celebration.

It's such an easy thing for me to be able to talk myself out of knowing what I want to do, just so rejection doesn't overcome when I can't do it. Substituting is what I need to do. It is a fine job. I would be good at it, what I'm sure they are looking for: a qualified, loving, and willing to work many days person. I would make great references and networks. I just can't find an "in".

When the darkest dark seems hopeless, keep going. Here I go...

Keeping the mind occupied.

Oh, how I wish I could be more proactive. Sitting around makes me a very... well, a couple words come to mind...

nervous,
depressed,
anxious,
stressed,
and uncomfortable

person. I guess those feelings can usually go hand in hand.


It's 100 times better being here surrounded by people that I know love me (and that I love). I have that to be thankful for, yet my choice to move was the reason for me not having a job. Uuugghhhh. Happiness is a tricky thing. I'm a million times more happy here and I wouldn't move back for the life of me, but it is so hard not knowing what I will be doing in less than a month. I have about three weeks until my window is closed and am beginning to consider other possibilities, despite my incredible desire for a classroom full of little ones ready to learn. Anyways, I'm not giving up. I guess whatever happens, happens.

A hard hit hard back to reality.

Well, it's about time I write in here. I've thought about it several times, but never really wanted to because I don't have much to say. Well, anything that hasn't already been said.

Summer has been great. More than I could have hoped for. My friends are amazing and I can't describe how wonderful it feels to have them around all the time. Not to mention I've been lucky enough to get closer to a couple people who were friends, but not as close as I'd like them to be. It's always nice to get to know new people. Scary at first, but very worth it.

I've had a knot in my stomach since I made the decision to move home and the source of it is not being able to find a job. Almost halfway through July now, and I'm afraid the knot may begin to give me ulcers soon. I'm terrified of not having a job. Not just because I won't be able to pay the bills, but because I won't have a purpose. Please don't take this as self-righteous, but I am a great teacher. I love being able to have that positive influence on children. I love seeing their faces light up when they learn something, even if it is just how to pump their feet on the swings. The fact that I may have to settle for being a substitute or something of that nature will be fine, but it does slightly break my heart. That sounds rude. In no way am I demeaning those jobs, they are just not what I had my heart set on. I'm perfectly aware they can leave just as big of an imprint as any other career in that field. Anyways, I'm going to continue calling districts and doing everything possible to find a job, but the fact may be that I just need to start thinking elsewhere. Where that would be I do not know. It sucks knowing that I'm sure other people are in my situation. Just knowing that willing teachers are out there and not able to do what they want/are good at doing is extremely depressing.

Well. I need to go grocery shopping.

It's good to be home.

PACKING!

One place down. One to go.

It feels good.

Oh boy oh boy. Today was awesome! Last class store, heads up 7-up, poisonous frog, picnic outside, watching class video, lots of crying (the kids, not me...well not until the kids left at least), and waiving from the school's roof as the car riders and buses pulled away for the last day. So many things were said today that just made me smile. For instance, "why can't next friday be our last day?" and my personal favorite said through sobs, "I...just.....want...first...grade...to last....foooorreevver!" I guess that means I did alright. After I dropped my kids off at the end of the day one of them yelled my name and ran back down the hall after me, stopped about 5 feet from me, paused for a second, and threw his arms out, waiting for one last hug. It was very sweet. Little guy made me cry. I will miss them.

Now I just need to pack my classroom, pack my apartment, and I'm off back to home sweet home. Should be a fun last week here though...shopping with my girl, going to a cards game, visitors from St. Louis, and I'm finally going to get to see the museum here!

Let the packing begin!

Apartment: check.
Job: In progress...

Egh. So much to do in the next week, then following that so little. Is there a simpler way to even it all out? Hmmmm. Man, moving is stressful and expensive. Poop.

Two days of school left. Field day tomorrow, should be fun, games, snow cones, water, you know normal field day stuff. Luckily my kids have a super sweet teacher with a water-proof camera. I'll be sure to get all the shots.

Oh, daydreaming

During a review about mammals today:

Teacher: "yes all mammals do have hair, what else makes them special?"

Teacher calls on student quietly raising their hand.

Student: "I looove french fries"

Teacher: blinks a couple times and waits for student to correlate his thought to mammals.

Student: "you know, french fries, frrreeeiiiiberger? Ms. FRY-burger?" "I just love fries so much" "like from McDonalds..." student continues to ramble about fries.


Some days, you just gotta wonder if they're listening.

Only water and milk and food.

After picking up the class from art:

Child, with look of worry/panic says: "I think I have something like this stuck in between my teeth"

Child holds up pea-sized wad of orange paper (mind-you it is wet also) and opens mouth to point at lower teeth. Teacher sees considerable amount of paper jammed in between child's two front teeth.

Teacher: "Hmmm, did you put anything in your mouth?"

Child: Nods head surly, "nooo"

Teacher: "I wonder how anything would get in there then?"

Child: Kind of shrugs.

...blank stares....long pause...

Teacher: "Were you eating paper?"

Child's face turns pale with a look of worried confession she nods and shrieks: "what do i do!?"

Teacher: Go to the nurse.

(teacher has to turn back on rest of the class because of laughing)

Child comes back from nurse and teacher asks, "should I plan on you eating paper again anytime soon?"

Child very positively states: "The nurse said I only put water and milk and food in my mouth, and I'm stickin' to it!"


Tuesday, a solid lesson learned, I'd say. Who says kids don't learn anything useful in school?

Reflecting on the growth....

I find it neat when parents take out their frustrations on schools. (I'm hoping the sarcasm was sincerely noted.) I will not go into it, but all I will say is that after the school counselor had read the email that was sent to me, her words were exactly, "you can't fix stupid". So on that note, if I ever do anything ridiculous I hope I have friends/family that feel comfortable enough telling me what I did/am thinking is dumb. I realize this is probably one of the hardest things to do. To tell someone you care about that they are being insane has to be done with tactfulness and lots of love. Anyways, I guess I just wish these parents had someone to tell them they are being ungrateful and just mean. It's amazing how one not thought-out, negative email can make a person feel so lousy. I mean, at least slightly consider the receiver's feelings, damn.


...to be suddenly brought back down.


...

Setting priorities

OK. Scratch that last posting. Before I decide anything on the "living" front, I need a job. I will most definitely be living at my parents for a few months before I get my crap figured out. That is just a depressing fact I have to admit to now. Let's look on the positive side, saved money. More money for my house! (well we'll see what happens) Right now it'd be great to have a house because of the sweet government deal, but really I'd be content in an apartment as well and waiting for a better time for me to buy more responsibly (and less dependent on my rents). My parents are drilling the concept of me having a house into my head and it's hard to ignore. Who wouldn't love having their own place? But I have to do what is responsible for me.

Anyways, I've calmed down from "freak-out" mode and met reality. Goal #1: Get a teaching job. After that: whatever.

To let my pride takeover....or to have a house???

It's when I spend a weekend here alone I really remember why I want to move home. But that has nothing to do with what I'm about to write about...

So parents are great. Usually. (more so when you get older and aren't annoyed by them) My parents are really pushing me into getting a house and it's starting to stress me out. A house is a BIG thing. So many factors and so much planning need to be thought about. I made a list of house stuff the other day, things I will need to do, buy, and a time-line like thing. If I were to be moving into a house this summer, it needs to be happening now. Like I should currently have one picked out and start negotiations on it. That's not happening. I also should have lots of money saved up. Closing costs, taxes, buying appliances that are not cheap (refrigerator, washer and dryer, etc). That kind of money I do not have. My parents have offered to help me in the money area (I would be paying them back, instead of companies and whatnot), yet I don't want it. My parents always try and swoop in and "rescue" me with money. Frankly, I'd rather not take it. I like being independent. I'm not sure what their take on it is, whether they like helping their daughter and have the money, so why not, or if they like me having to depend on them (paying them back). I'm not sure. You think they're scared I'll never come see them if they don't give me money? Who knows. My parents were always extremely responsible with their money. I want to be like them when it comes to saving. My dad makes a hefty amount, my mom has now been back at work for several years (an extra income they didn't need). My parents built their own house (no house payments), own all of their cars (paid cash for the new one), have near to none payments on anything, and still shop at Aldi for groceries. I highly admire my parents for their thriftiness and how smart they are with their money. A part of me wants to scream "heck yes! take the money", but in the back of my mind it seems irresponsible. I would love to not have rent money going to waste, but I don't want to feel childlike paying my parents back for everything they will have to help me get started with the house. This is my pride kicking in. I'm so close to just telling them "no, just forget it". There's just not enough time and I don't have the responsible amount saved up yet. Who in their right mind turns down a house though? Or the help my parents are offering to give for me to get one?

I KNOW the time is not right for me to buy, but with my parents being so set on me getting a house before the stimulus package expires, I know they would buy a house without me (because my dad has wanted a fixer-upper for a long time). SO really it's a matter of me being a part of getting this new house now or my dad buying it anyways and probably "giving" it to me in a year or so. I feel so spoiled and I hate it. I need advice. Anyone?... like the three people that I think read this, help me out...

Thinking positive. Dooooo ittttt!

Field Trip today. A week ago I was bummed our district only has one field trip the whole year. After today, I'm glad. It wasn't terrible or anything, it went really well actually. It was just extremely stressful. I can't imagine how many times I counted my kids today to make sure no-one was being left anywhere. And with some of the clever kids I have, they sure tried. I even made eye contact with a kid leaving the restroom and going the opposite way as our class. He knew I saw him yet continued to "sneak" away.

Anyways, I've officially put in my letter of resignation for the district I'm in. Even sent an email out to the staff so I'd be the one to tell them, rather then the crazy rumors and hear-say that travels so quickly in schools. So I'm officially moving home come the end of our school year; probably early June. I haven't decided when or how to tell my kids. That's the biggest thing I'm bummed about- not being able to see them grow through the years, but my decision was sound and I believe I made it for good reasons. God knows I've thought and worried about it long enough. It feels good to have a decision made. Now I just need a job and place to live (yeah, that's it). I feel slightly snoody moving home without a job, so let it be known I'm not moving assuming (or knowing) I'll get one, I'm moving home on the premise that I currently have no family (husband/kids) and know this is the time for me to make myself happy and have no others to worry how the choice will effect them. Ha. Sorry quick side note, that looks funny... husband/kids. It's even weird for me to think about. Does that mean I'm immature? Who knows? So back to the no job thing. I'm moving home because the days that I am unhappy here greatly outweigh the rest of them and St. Louis may or may not be the answer to that, but I'd rather try it out and find the real answer than stay here and do another year of this.

I will miss my apartment here (it's pretty perfect for me, safe and not too big). However, the chances of me buying a house when I move back are very large. That excites and scares me. It's extremely exciting because I've wanted a house of my own ever since I was old enough to move out of my 'rents. Renting houses was fun (it was almost like owning a house), but the fact that I was wasting my money was constantly hovering over my head. My parents are really pushing for me to get a house (they hate that I've put so much money into renting), so I know they will be there to help me through the process of buying. I love the idea of being able to do whatever I want to my house... and I mean whatever! If I wanna paint a room pee green I can. Oh, I won't, but decorating is exciting to me, I've already begun plans in my head. Sweet things, like a giant bulletin board wall/dry erase board. I guess I've never really considered buying a house before because I feel there are other right of passages you have to conquer before buying a home; say marriage, kids maybe? It's funny when I think about it actually. I really thought I needed to be married before I'd be able to have a house. What kind of crazy talk is that? I know I'd do just fine with a house of my own, why not start now instead of waiting for prince charming (who by the way is not even in a picture now). However, owning a house is scary too. All those fancy words: mortgage, closing costs, escrow, equity... I've been doing a lot of research and it's really not as scary as they make it out to be, matter of fact, it's a wonderful investment. Not to mention the incredible rates right now, plus up to $8000 from the government... I'm sold! I know it will be a lot of work (especially more than an apartment), but I figure I have no where else to put my time, why not make a sweet home (maybe I'll actually spend less than 10 hours at work one day).

So... I think what I was talking about was moving home and the feelings behind it. I've weighed my options and come to find that this life is the only one I get, so I'm going to make the most of it and follow my heart. Heck, I may die in a week, why not live looking forward to the future instead of worrying about it all the time?

Goobly Goop

Tiiiirrrrredddd. Soooo tiiirrreeeddd oooooof beeeeeeeeeeinng siiiick. (Sung in the key of G)

Yup. Spring break is so close I feel like this week is spring break. That didn't make any sense.

I think it's so neat I've got a job where I still get spring break. Take that suckers with real jobs and no breaks!

Next time, my place.

It always happens, but I continue to try. Interestingly enough, I go in with a positive attitude and hope for the best. I did the same last night. Plans were to get some dinner and watch a movie at her place. This was an especially perfect plan since we just had 7 inches of snow dumped on us and the roads were a mess. Nevertheless, people started calling and were going out, so of course we had to join. I was disappointed and let it be known, especially since driving in bad weather when drinking is going to be done is never a good idea. Anyways, long story short I was left with her trashed group while she flirted, made out with, and fawned over her current boy she's dating. To top it off, half of the group was ignoring me because my old roommate was there and apparently has told them things about me to make them not want to talk to me. Pretty fun, stuff.

I love her to death and all I really wanted to do was to hang out with her. Talk and see what's going on in her life, tell her about what's up with me, we only got to talk a little during dinner. I guess it's just hard sometimes because our ideas of hanging out are different. I drive a half hour to see her, not watch her kiss her date across the bar. I ended up hanging out with her date's roommate the majority of the night. Beat him in cheap electronic cricket and video golfing. Yet, I couldn't but help shake the feeling that she was secretly setting us up. We ended up staying the night at their house (against my will, how uncomfortable was that?!), her passing out on the couch, the boys stumbling upstairs to their rooms and myself left awake in a random place. I knew I should have drove. Well... I should stop complaining. I put myself in that situation and well, knew it's happened before, so why wouldn't it again?

Better luck next time, I guess.

If I could live in a movie, as my life, I found what my choice movie would be tonight: Twilight. Yup, I need me a vampire.

It's called respect.

If you are not treated back, the way you treat someone something is differing in the minds of those involved. I cannot judge, for I do not know the answer, but I do know what I saw seemed nothing of the mutual sort.

Oh, the days you wish you called in sick.

I'm not one to enjoy associating myself with drama. Actually, I usually work to keep it as far from myself as possible. There are two main reasons for this:

#1: drama is almost always an overreaction to one's own feelings about something really not that important. Without taking time to consider how you truly feel about something is when drama happens. Pure emotion, and usually negative emotion, is a manifestation of drama. I do realize when something happens the easiest route to take is to act off how you feel in that moment. This happens to everyone, it's just a matter of how far you take it; one person= you were upset, half a building= you are stirring shit up. Simpler as it is, I've learned time and quiet thought create a better picture of what's actually going on. Another hard task is understanding both sides, but albeit, extremely helpful.

#2: I'm not good at dealing with drama. I say things that are either unhelpful or just said to say "something" at an attempt to comfort the dramateer. These "somethings" are reflected upon by myself later and I'd say 90% of the time I realize my comments were wrongful to at least some extent. Then I have to go back on what I said earlier, which makes me a hypocrite. I hate it when I make myself a hypocrite.

There's work drama coming at me, from different schools even, and I found myself exhausted at the end of the day. Drama is not entertaining to me, it is extra work. So by all means, if you have a problem that's been troubling you and you'd like to discuss it, I'll talk you though it; with an attempt to see the big picture. Yet, please don't come at me with "he said" "she said" baloney because more often than not it's not true and if you really have a problem with a person you should be talking it out with them, not complaining to someone else.

There I go again, being hypocritical. Complaining to my computer, when in reality I should have just told those people I prefer not to be involved. How do you tell people you care about that you don't want to discuss their issues, without seeming stone-hearted? I guess that's the mystery of drama, it sucks you in, no matter the role you'd prefer to play.

Now I truly understand why 9-5 people look forward to the weekend.

The 1400 calory dinner.

I find it interesting that I can eat a whole box of rice-a-roni by myself. That's like supposed to be a family meal, right? Well...I suppose I do eat it as my main course, not as a side to something else (besides my pickles, of course) That has to count for something.

Yeah.

I've recently taken up a stance on caring about what others think about the way I look: I don't care. I realize it sounds blunt and mean, but it's quite enlightening actually. Instead of waking up and picking out an outfit and asking myself, "will this look ok?" I now ask myself, "do you like it?" and if the answer is yes, I go for it. I've known for a while that at my job I have no one to impress (although if you look like crap 6 year olds will tell you. I've been told I would look better with make-up on from one of my kids, precious, right?), however I do have a certain professional standard that we are required to uphold. So, I meet my requirement now by dressing myself appropriately the way I feel fit, not the way others will judge me fit. It's hard some days. And somedays I worry about it more than others. But the best thing is that the more I think it and the more I do it, the easier it is. Make-up was really my starting point. I haven't worn make-up consecutively for almost a year now. I don't mind wearing it, matter of fact somedays it's fun to look a little different, but for the most part I don't like wasting time putting it on. I think it's annoying to put on (I never really learned actually, I have my mom to thank for that). Don't get me wrong, occasionally I will put on some, but that's if I feel like it. If I feel like looking different that day, not because I need it to look good. I know that whole "beauty is within" thing sounds like a load of crap in today's society, but I'm goin' for it. So I've started with make-up and done well, now I'm crossing into other aspects, like clothing. So much is judged by what you wear. And it really makes me sad to think people judge others because of the pants they're wearing. I like clothes, I do, don't get me wrong, I like to look good, but my new thing is looking good by my standards, not anyone elses. It's fun actually. Getting past opinions is hard, but creating your own way is worth the journey I think.

Anyways, this whole entry started because I was thinking about my hair. My point I was going to make was that I realized when I don't feel like straightening my hair I don't. I just put it up. But the way I like my hair to look is straightened, so I guess I was just proud of myself for doing something for myself and not for the strangers/co-workers/family/friends that look at me.

Disclaimer: Please note, I do care what others think, I am as flawed of a person as the next, I guess it just feels good to write about the inner workings of my mind that sometimes make me smile. Understand this was far from bragging and by no means did I mean to put down others who think differently. (see, I do care) I do believe, furthermore, that the power of the individual is incredible. So knowing we all have that power inside of us, why not use it, instead of trying to blend in with everyone else? Just a thought.

CA-BOOOOM! CRASH! Drip, drip, drop.

I love thunderstorms. Love em. The more lightening, the better. Gotta sleep with the window open, I highly recommend it. (maybe just cracked thou, cuz you don't want your stuff to get all wet). Just when you things are settling down and the rain and wind calms, everything gets all crazy again! (in that manner I suppose thunderstorms are like life) I think Forest would say, "life is like a thunderstorm, you'll never know when it will stop". Hmmm, slightly morbid.

Not because I can't, but because you can.

I can now understand why chivalry is missed by some women. I'm the type that's perfectly fine with walking anywhere alone or opening my own doors, or whatever happens to be done with that term. I never really even think about it actually. And then I hear women talk about how angry they were that their date didn't open their car door for them or something dumb like. Yeah, duh, they didn't open your door, hello? It's called automatic locks, why walk all the way around the car when it's already done for them? I hear ya guys. Well tonight, I'll admit I was walked to my car, and although it was completely unnecessary, it was pretty nice. I think it was the part about being taken care of and worried about that was nice. It's not like I couldn't walk myself to my car, of course I can, I have two legs, but it was done not because of that, but to ensure I safely made it. Granted it was done by a 50+ year old man married to a woman I work with (we were celebrating her birthday tonight), I still say it's nice to be cared for. Now I'm going to stick with my original feelings on this circumstance. Chivalry does not need to be done 24-7, guys need to be taken care of as well, after all (even if they deny it), but I will admit after experiencing it, it would be one of those special-occasion nice things. Just to show you care. Not because I can't do it. Not all the time. Maybe just once in a while, to remind me. Girls are dumb like that. We need reminders of why things are. Yeah.

Winter=Sad; Happy Weather=Happy People

Winter is depressing. I didn't fully understand that thought until I spent the season alone. For instance, today, the first warm, enjoyable-weathered day in a long time (that I wasn't stuck at work late) and my nightly routine completely changed. Nothing happened to put me in a good mood, work was a routinely normal day. I just had the urge to do things differently, different from cuddling myself up in a blanket and watching Friends and Scrubs episodes that I've seen dozens of times already, while really zoning off in my head and not watching at all. My evening was very nice. I read for a while out on my deck, enjoying the cool breeze, and played my piano for a while with the window open behind me, learning some new Disney songs and finding inspiration for new Laura originals. It's amazing what the weather can do to us. Back to my beginning point, though. I hadn't realized what a hermit crab I had become until recently. Seriously, the only places I would go (besides work and my apartment) were either Target or Walmart, depending on what supplies I needed. Well, and St. Louis too, I would go there. Which brings me to my next point of realizing what a shut-in I am. Without friends or family around it makes it that much harder to do things. Anything. Especially in the cold dark winter. Even silly things like, I don't like running here at night, when I would do it all the time back home. If something happened here no-one would think twice about me until I didn't show up for work. Now, yes, I realize that logic is partially flawed because it is quite probable that something could happen while running at night in St. Louis (probably more likely actually), but there is just something about knowing people are within calling distance to come and save me pending a broken leg or whatever happens while running. Anyways, I'm slightly sick so forgive me if this is not making any sense. The main just is that winter makes life sadder. I know people always say it and that it's commonly known information that people are more depressed during winter, but I am (and suppose always will be) one of those people that has to experience it myself before truly believing it. Not that I thought it was dumb or false, it just didn't have meaning for me until recent. I always tell my kids without background knowledge of what someone is saying the depth of their knowledge will not be as great (in less fancy terms). That's why activating prior knowledge is so important. Gosh, I don't even know why I'm talking about that. You know it's time for bed when you stop making sense of your own writing. Remember, personal experience + prior knowledge = meaningful life. Man, I'm a loser.

Hello there.

Well hello! Yes, little blog how are you doing? It's been a while. You know, for the longest time I had no idea what this "blogging" occurrence was. I'm still not sure what the actual term 'blog' means, but I'm pretty sure it's what I'm doing now. Writing and stuff...I think the special things about blogs is that they are supposed to have a focus....ummm, well, my life is a good enough focus for me.

Anyways.... I just got back to the STL and am hyped up on energy drinks. That's a lie. I'm hyped up on about a third of an energy drink. I'm pathetic when it comes to caffeine, the slightest bit makes me pretty insane. I have another job fair this weekend. This one for a district I know nothing of, but figured beggars can't be choosers, so any district willing to offer me a job would be a good one. My principal wrote me a letter of reference/recommendation tonight. It is very nice, really makes me want to stay and work with her actually, but she's moving on and I as well need to. I don't have anything planned for tomorrow and am looking forward to it. Maybe go for a run, fill out a ridiculously long application for the fair Saturday, play some piano, drive around town, who knows? It will be nice.

I talked for a while (nearly the whole drive home actually) to a friend about life and randomness and it was great. It's so relaxing and uplifting to just have a conversation with no agenda, with just enjoying talking to each other.

That's everyone's assignment for this week: converse with someone for at least an hour just to talk and listen. Maybe you do that a lot with people, maybe not (I know I never do), but it really is neat to see where the conversation goes and what will come up. Hopefully it will leave you with a feeling of gladness and relaxation. If not....I'm sorry I had the idea.

Oh, and I realized some of my very favorite smells this week(or was thinking about them at least). I'll share them: hotel hallways that smell like pools (they did a deep clean of the school late one night while I was still up there and it smelled wonderfully of bleach/chlorine). Really I guess any hallway with that smell is great, but I always relate it to vacationing long ago with the parents and getting to play in the indoor pools. My second smell I really love is after a thunderstorm outside. The feel of that smell is just great for me. I used to love to sit on my parents back porch swing and watch the rain pour and lighting zig zag across the sky just to wait for the calm afterward. The rain after slamming against the wood deck would splatter and mist my bare feet. I can still hear the swing squeak as I slowly rocked back and forth waiting for the rage of the storm to settle into the peacefulness that always came post-fury. And a last favorite smell: sawdust and cigarette smoke. Slightly strange, yes.. Meaningful to me, also yes. Working in my grandfathers woodshop basement with my dad and grandpa is now a cherished memory of mine. Everyone was happy down there. We'd work on whatever meaningless project we planned for that week in good company and happy to be making something we knew we could later have pride in. Ironically enough that favorite smell was what killed my grandpa (the smoking, not the bandsaw or other terribly dangerous machinery he had down there). I, luckily, relate that smell to good times, instead of the agony it caused of me loosing a loved one. My grandpa was the first one to let me taste beer. He always washed the dishes after dinner so me and my brother wouldn't have to. He played rummy with me as often as I asked to. He was a good grandpa. It hurts to think of all the pain I had to watch him endure before he passed, he wasn't the same man the last year or so of his life because of, but I try to remember the good and not dwell on what makes me angry. Yet I've gotten off track...actually I've said all I wanted to say. In conclusion, those are my three favorite smells. You can thank my AMP for the long ramblingness of reminiscence.

He got to me. I gave him exactly what he wanted. I'm disappointed in myself, I told myself over and over I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't give up. He was being cruel though. Cruel. And I can only take so much before I defend the others; in harshness to him. It was inappropriate. Shame on me.

We are all different after all.

Alright. So I'm not a big bar fan. If I want to get trashed I find it much more appealing, more comfortable, and most importantly much cheaper to either do it in my own home or at a close friends place. Now knowing that, I was invited out for one of my co-workers birthday dinner/drinks the other night. I had nothing to do, so I figured better to be out with some company rather then watching movies by myself. The night was fun. I did have a good time, there was drinking (lots of it), dancing, and some good socializing. The night started rocky with me forgetting my ID and having to drive 20 minutes back to the house and then back to the restaurant. Talk about embarrassing. They all made fun of me saying I look 12 and should have it everywhere with me, which was deserved. I used the excuse that I never go out for drinks and it didn't even occur to me to bring it (I always have it in my purse, but I only took my debit card with me and kept it in my pocket). I say that was an excuse, but a true one at that. Anyways we ate dinner (well i ate quickly after returning to the restaurant and they watched me, since they were already finished) and then proceeded to the bars. We went to the power and light district which is an area with several bars all right next to each other. The drinks were at the cheapest place we went to $5, and that was a beer. Add the cover charges for each place we went to and the night's cost really added up. I'm going to repeat I did have a good time, but once dinner and four beers added up to $50 dollars I began wondering if I just wouldn't had been better off watching those movies. Is it sad to think I'd rather save my money then go out and have fun? I love having fun, I guess I'm just more prone to having fun the moderate way. Some of the people we were out with got so trashed they had to be carried and were vomiting in the car on the way home. This is just me, but that would just ruin the night for me. Drinking to the point of getting sick and completely not being in control of your body is just not an idea of fun in my mind. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the occasional getting silly drunk, but I would only do it where I was comfortable and not in public embarrassing myself in front of everyone. You know what? When I say it like that I guess it makes me kind of jealous of those people who can do that. They don't care what others think, just do what they want.... well, or after enough alcohol I guess they don't care. I don't know. Not even sure what my point of this rambling was... I just feel like a loner sometimes when it comes to choosing between getting wasted in public or comfortably at home.

Got a new student today.

Started feeling sick today...again.

Gonna load up on vitamin C as to not get sick...again.

Bought Clementines and orange juice tonight.

That's about it.

I'm cold, I'm going to bed.

We'll take that sad looking one in the back...

Sooooo it's kind of dissapointing when people realize you don't do anything except sit around and keep yourself company. My day to day routine was found out and shortly after I was adopted. I have a friendly married couple that I practically spent the whole weekend with. We went out for dinner and drinks, played cards (I learned a new really sweet game), watched a movie, went to church, and watched the Superbowl all just this weekend. That's more then I've done combined for the past four months here (going home not included, there's always people to be around there). Anyways, I have mixed feelings. I really like them and enjoyed spending time talking to other people besides myself, however in situations like that I can't but help feel like I'm intruding. I know they would probably say "get lost" or whatever if they wanted me away, but I just really hope they are not inviting me around because they feel sorry for me. I don't think that is actually the case, yet it was floating around my mind occasionally as the weekend past. Nonetheless, it was nice to spend some time out of my apartment. I already know I have awesome friends, but (and I'm going to try to say this in the least offensive way possible because I did enjoy my weekend) when you hang out with people you don't know that well it gives you a great appreciation for the ones you are completely comfortable around, those friends who know you as much as you know yourself. Oddly enough hanging out with these people here made me miss my friends at home. I couldn't just enjoy the present time, nooooo, I had to compare it. Like while playing the new card game I learned all I could think was "I can't wait to teach this to my friends back home, they'll love it, I hope I remember all the points so I teach it to them right!" And while I was at church I wanted my friends to be able to be there and experience it and share it with me too because it was a really awesome service. And during the movie an old joke came up and I accidentally said it out loud and got looked at kinda weird. I also got my haircut this weekend and wanted to tell them about it but they can't actually see it so I got sad. I realize I'm crazy, yes thank you. I did enjoy my weekend, but couldn't help to revert everything back to home. What the crap is wrong with me, why can't I stop doing that and just live here?? It's like my lifeboat is cities and people instead of attributes. I want to be happy with what I have here, instead of wishing it was like home. Places are different, people are different, it's not bad, just different. Why is this so hard?

One more weekend here and two more work weeks and then my February is going to fly by with long weekends home and the job fair. I'm already nervous about the job fair, but I'm really hoping that will be my "in" for a job. I've talked to lots of people here if whether job fairs are worth it and they all strongly urged me to go, so I put in my personal day for the 20th and will be there ready to impress. I get butterfly's fluttering around just thinking about it...egh. New topic, before I start full out worrying....

Uhhh, yeah I don't have anything else so I'll just go ahead and rap this one up. Tootles.

Neighbors... doctors... blahhhhhh blah

Alright. Between my unpleasant dreaming and my neighbors (which I can clearly hear while laying in my bed, unfortunately) screaming and cussing the most ridiculous and teenage-like argument I got a very very bad night of sleep last night. To say the least I'm ready for bed right now. I wanted to yell to my neighbors through the wall, "hey, girl, you're not really mad at him for anything you're just being bitchy, and hey, guy you're just being angry because she's being bitchy". Seriously, I've never seen these people before and I know I shouldn't judge, but they were arguing about turning the lights off. There must have been some other catalyst, because surely people don't full out argue about the lights being turned off. To top it off, the phrase, "don't go to bed angry" does not apply to them. The yelling profanities picked right up at 5 in the morning, not too shortly after I had just convinced myself to go back to sleep from my scary dream. I felt bad for them they went to bed late and angry and then had to wake up the same way, I guess at least I got to sleep for a bit after they had to leave (for work I suppose). So the moral of the story is: you're lucky if your loud neighbors have to leave before you do in the morning.

Real quick, before I doze off, I've had this "knot" in the middle of my back just to the right of my spine for close to a month now. I first thought I just slept wrong and had a kink or something, but after a week of it not changing I've begun wondering what it is. It's not a constant pain, it is mostly when I turn to lay on my side or turn my neck a certain way, also when I take a deep breath. I would go to a doctor, but I don't have one in KC. Hopefully it's nothing seriously cuz I'm obviously not doing anything about it. I guess if it continues I should try to find a doctor. We'll see.

Well nite, nite...the glory of the weekend is I can sleep on my couch and can't hear my neighbors in my living room. Boo for no bed, but yay for uninterrupted sleep.

If only.

I just had a scary dream and did not like it. I'm purposefully keeping myself awake for a bit on the off-chance it's one of those dreams you wake up from and then fall back asleep to find yourself doing the same thing again. I know I've mentioned before how I almost never dream and if I do, they are usually terrifying. It's funny how something so unreal can bring me to lay in bed ever so still because I may be found if I move. I know I'm like a 2 year old when it comes to dreams. They scare me. This is one of those times someone lying next to me would come in handy. *turn, hide face into their chest, and drift back off to sleep nice and safe*

I can do it.

Well... it's done. I've applied to all the districts I can think of that have available positions now. More will come, but for now I've done all I can living in another city. As I submitted my last application today I felt my stomach turn with a feeling of uneasiness. And then the questions started flying: Most district's salaries are higher in this city, what if they find me unqualified? What if they want more experience? I don't have "a way in" like I did here, having high people recommend me who already work for the district, what if that is the only way to get a job? And they continue, but it makes my tummy feel more anticipation as I type them, so I'm going to digress.

I did come across a job fair in February. I'll have to take a sick day to make it to it, but those are always worth while. Come dressed for success and make a good impression in person. I can do that. Oh man. I'm already nervous. I'm a great teacher, I will be able to find a job (repeat over and over to self).

I will find a job....I will find a job... I will.....

Smiles and Frowns all around

I had an extreme high and low today. Which to begin with. Aw heck, I'll tell them in the order they happened, so high first.

I told my team I was looking for a job in another city, which meant probably moving away come summer. I expected some, "oh really?" "didn't expect that!" and "why would you do that?" responses, yet I got none of the above. They were excited for me. They knew how much i love the other city and how much it means to me. Their comments were all out of love and understanding and gratefulness of me being upfront and honest in letting them know personally as a team. (that partly goes to show how word travels around a school and how sincere honesty coming from the source can mean the world to a person) My team said they would miss me lots if I do move away and they would pray for me to find a great job there. So there was the high.

Here's the low: I kicked a student out of my class today. I'm not proud of it and wish it didn't have to be done, but a teacher can only take so much disrespect and waisted time before some severe action needs to take place. The student was blatantly ignoring me and on top of it they were waisting 17 other student's time. I can deal with a student ignoring me, but when it comes down to them ruining the education of the rest of my class I figure one student out for the success of 17 others is what needs to be done. You know when your class is staring drop-jawed at the situation at hand, wondering why the hell isn't that kid doing what the teacher is asking, there is a problem. So knowing I did what had to happen, I still feel guilty. The pressure of being a teacher is disheartening at times. Did I do something wrong? Did I not teach him something? Was there something I could have said to make the situation go better? are a few of the million questions floating through my mind. I want so badly so be the perfect teacher for every one of them at every moment, but the truth of the matter is that is not possible. So to quote from my lesson on grace, "you can only give your best" and that's how I ended my day. Frustrated at how the situation went, but knowing I did everything I could to keep that kid in the class before the time came for him to leave helped me not dwell on the situation and forgive myself for not being able to be the perfect teacher at that moment. I only wish everything I do is that easy for me to forgive. That's a different day and a different blog. Some things you just gotta keep working on...

So i end on a low today, but a semi-positive one as I know I did my damnedest to try my best. (That stupid phrase is becoming a repetitive nuisance in my blogs, I'm gonna have to get away from that one.)

Anyway, I figure tomorrow's Friday and although I look forward to the weekend (as per any human to get away from the stress of work), I also loath it at times. It seems its easiest for your feelings to get to you when you are lonely and bored. So I've conjured up a list of things for me to do this weekend, without spending money (since I have none it would be difficult anyhow). Here's some of my ideas: writing music, learning my new Disney and fantasia piano songs, repainting my dart board, finishing the book I'm reading, finish applying to schools (what a painful process, all that paperwork to stuff into an envelope and pray they like what they read), and maybe even get out for a run or rollerblade if its not in the teens like this past week has been. I'm always in a better mood if I work out, so it gets pretty down when the weather turns cold and all I can do is stretch and pretend workout apartment stuff. I figure that should be enough stuff to keep me going until next week starts. Oh, and I have season 4 of Scrubs to finish, so that's always an option too. Hope everyone's weekend finds them well.

Grace from above

So I'm reading last night, yes I read, and I came across something I rather enjoyed. I'm going to type an excerpt from my journal I wrote after my reading encounter, "I've never really had standards for myself, what I look for in a guy (if I were even looking) would be honesty and intelligence. At the risk of sounding snobbish, I've revisited that because of what I read in chapter 5. I want to feel the way Adam made Eve feel. I realize this sounds silly, but think of the powerfulness of a relationship like this: 'safe and loved in an appreciated and admired' way, rather than used or gawked upon." I believe there is a time in every girl's life she enjoys being gawked at (it gives her confidence she thinks she doesn't have), however mine was short and long over. After thinking about that, it occurred to me why I hate guys staring and hitting on me in bars (or any place it is obvious they are looking for nothing more than, well you know) There is no appreciation. Nothing behind it besides the dirty feeling you're left with after the awkward conversation of nicely shutting him down. I've gotten away from my point though.

Thinking of how much the respect between genders has changed since then (then being Adam and Eve's time of course) makes me sad. Understand I'm not saying women deserve it all, my point is the ferocious respect on both parts. Males and females both are nothing alone without the comfort they receive by being together. I'm getting frustrated because I feel the depth of what I want to say is not coming out right. The fact of the matter is that we need each other, so why have genders become so conflicted? Why is it ok for guys to whistle at girls back ends? Why has it become standard for girls to use their sexuality to get things they shouldn't have? Where has the respect gone?

Anyways I understand Adam and Eve had a perfect relationship with God (at least for a few 100 years or so), hence being a part of their completely secure way of life, so I also understand that things develop and change and blah blah, but while reading that I couldn't but help wish myself back in time where people respected one another, treated everyone with dignity and kindness, and didn't have to fight through words of jealousy and pride to get to the real honesty of it all; even if the only time that were ever true was their time.

Alright, well now I feel I need to state, just for the record, that I am one of those people, one of those people like above that isn't living my full potential. I get mad if someone is driving in my way, and I am full of jealousy for numerous things that are ridiculous when step backed and looked upon, I am not as understanding of a person that I could be all the time, and I could keep this list going on my faults, yet instead of examining those I'm going to attempt to be positive. I try. I really do. I try to be the person I know we're capable of being every day. I have high expectations for myself and do occasionally (occasionally being several times a day) let myself down, but I do try. And really our effort is all we can give. After enough practice you'll get better at some things (maybe I won't be pissed off about the person who cut over in front of me passing someone just so they could pass first, even though they were obviously traveling slower than me), somethings may take longer, somethings you may never even achieve, but your effort can keep you trying.

Grace is a beautiful word. It didn't mean much to me until a couple months ago, but since then it's meaning has only grown more important. Grace to do what we think we cannot. It is full of love and faith.

I know it is grace that keeps me going.

eeeeehh. Yup.

Weird Sleep.

I had the worst "sleep" last night. I put sleep in quotes because although my body was asleep, I don't think my brain actually got any down time. I've never dreamed that much, at least not that I can remember. Crazy stuff too, like I was home with friends hanging out playing board games, then I was swimming, then I had a nightmare about my rabbit having a circle patch of hair gone with a terrible soar and was hissing like a cat, then I was in an old western with all my friends, then I'd be sitting in my apartment just staring at my dart board, and many more that I've already forgotten. I dreamed in songs too. That was probably the strangest part. Like I was picturing that stuff and there was music in the background, but it was music about my life, in my words, and yes, me singing it. I was good too. I woke up several times each hour (the part that plays a role in my horrible night of sleep I'm pretty sure) and a couple times wrote some of it down, but unfortunately half-sort-of-asleep written songs don't make much sense when read the next day. I have some semi-good lyrics, but for the life of me can't remember the melody. Damn, and it was already done for me.

I'm thinking I kept waking up because of the dreams, but I'm pretty sure the whole fiasco happened in the first place because last night was the first night in about a week I felt well enough to not put myself asleep by use of nyquil. My body must have gotten confused without it and wigged out my sleeping. I'm glad it happened thou, cuz any other night I never dream. So I'm always excited when I have any sort of dream, minus the scary ones of course, which on the rare occasions I do dream those are usually the ones I have. But last night was fun, despite the really frustrating fact that every half hour or so I'd wake up. I should get a tape recorder so if it happens again I can just sing my dream to that and then fall back asleep, but still remember it.

So if my mind can dream in my pre-composed songs, I'm pretty sure I can write some. Whether they are any good will be another story, but I'm gonna at least give it a shot.

I've never ordered a pizza to my apartment.

I just ate two Thanks-A-Lot girl scout cookies, a glop of broccoli rice casserole, two hot dogs, a bowl of fruity pebbles, three cinnamon rolls, and several pickles. And in that order. Something has got to be wrong with me. I would be more worried except something similar to that is my normal dinner.

So soon after I realized the enormous amount of food I just ate, for some really unknown reason, it occurred to me that I've never ordered a pizza while at this apartment. It seems that's just one of those things that should be done. Maybe I'll get one this weekend. Maybe I can get someone to come over and eat it with me, that'd be even better.

I told the principal yesterday that I was seriously considering moving to St. Louis for the next school year. I was nervous to bring it up but she was very understanding and even offered to help me get a job and give references and such. She gave me some really great compliments and said I'd be missed if I did end up moving. Well see how the job hunting goes. *positive thoughts*

Ok, well I'm off to eat more.

Blast that Bear... if he just wasn't so adorable.

When you won't hang your arm off the side of your bed for fear of a boa constrictor eating and digesting it while you're asleep....

Your dreams consist of you plummeting down 100 foot waterfalls and eating poisonous scorpions, when you thought it was a safe one...

And the picture of vampire bats sucking the life out of your fingers won't leave you every time you close your eyes....


...you know you've watched too much Man vs. Wild.

Mmmm, Thanks-A-Lots

Antibiotics are fun. Mix them with a couple other medicines and everything gets better!

Girl Scout cookies don't hurt either. Crunchy fudge coated treats. Yummy.

Weekends blow.

This sucks. I'm lonely and know where I want to be, but can't be there. I haven't kept exact count, but I think I've slept 49 hours in the last 3 days and watched somewhere around 8 movies. Egh. And to just top it off I feel like crap. Booooooooo..

I'm Sad.

One of my good friends left for Europe, london to be exact, today. I'm going to miss him. It's kinda weird, I never saw him a lot before cuz he lives in another city but just knowing he'll be across seas it makes me worry more about him. I know he's more than capable and very independent, but it's the mother in me that makes me nervous. He should be getting there around 3:30 this morning. I'm thinking about taking my spring break to go visit him. He'll be home 2 weeks after my spring break time but I still think I'd be a blast. Now it would cost more than a grand, so we'll see if I can save that amount up by spring break time. I'm hopin yes.

The other problem that may arise is i may be interviewing during that time. So whether I should take sick days to schedule interviews or use my spring break is going to be a hard decision. I'm probably never going to have another chance to visit a friend in London, but the responsible thing would be to take that week for looking for a place to live and to interview. Egh. I hate being responsible.

New year, new resolutions?

I think resolutions are stupid. Let me rephrase: new year resolutions are stupid. Any other random resolutions are just fine. If you'd like to change something about yourself do it, do it now. Don't do it now because it's a new year, do it now because it's something you want. There's never a bad time to try and make yourself better. Giving new year resolutions has become an excuse to put off what you want to do. It's laziness. You wanna loose weight? Why wait until January? I understand the concept of "new year, new changes" but really the only thing that starts in January is the new year. People are still working, they are still living, they are still going to school. I'm not so sure I'm making this point very well, but the matter of the fact is that January is no different from the other months, besides being the first of the months that you write the new date on your bills, papers, and what nots. Matter of fact I bet if people started their resolutions in the middle of the year they would be more successful. Everyone always says in winter people are depressed and sleep more. No wonder New Year resolutions only last on average a month, everyone is too busy being shut-ins.

Well. I'm not so sure why I got so angry typing that. Maybe I'm jealous I don't care enough to make a resolution. If I had to come up with something it would be a way to figure out how to (or where to) read the Bible so I can make sense of it all. Not like where do I sit to read it, but like where to start. I've tried the beginning and that just isn't workin for me. This Jesus thing has me going and I'd really like to try and figure it out. Or at the least make some progress, instead of the steps I seem to be heading backwards on.

To sum up my life...

Teach. Eat. Watch TV. Pet the rabbit. Feed the fire more logs. Watch more TV. Shower. Read. Sleep. and repeat.

Yes, I'm aware its boring.