My 100th post- a special occasion.

My brothers wedding was this Sunday. 10-10-10. It was an amazing day. The day flew by and so many things happened it's hard for me to even remember it all. I'm horrible at telling stories so here's a list of some of my favorite moments:

- got my hair done with my mom and she had me do a little make up for her too. It felt nice that she trusted me to do that. She never, NEVER wears any makeup.

- getting to help my brother get dressed, put tie on, fix coller, fold up handkerchief for pocket... I thought I wasn't going to get to see much of him that day, but it turned out I spent most of the time with him, it was great.

- Standing in the lobby with Tom waiting for the ceremony to begin. The girls were downstairs steaming Joyce's dress when we arrived so Tom had to wait upstairs as to not see the dress... I got to stand and talk/ just hang out with him up to the beginning of the ceremony. It was so awesome.

- I got to pin the flowers on all the groomsmen, mothers and fathers.

- I was the official pocket handkerchief folder for the boys, you know the little ones that poke out of their pocket in a triangle.

- During the ceremony, after Tom and Joyce handed the mothers the flowers Joyce almost tripped on the stairs (they were fairly steep and her shoes were even higher than ours) so Tom was helping her up them and ended up standing on the wrong side of her so he went to walk around the back of her almost walking on her train and decided to instead jump over it... it was priceless, everyone got a good laugh.

- We had a luxury bus to ride in during the pictures. Joyces dress' fluff took up about 4 seats. It was funny.

- My cousin, Lydia (5), was one of the flowergirls and is now my new bff. She followed me around all during the reception and shared my cake with me. She's really shy and up until then she never really warmed up to me. It was really great.

- I got to dance with my young cousins during the reception. My one cousin, Alycia did the cha cha slide with me and I quote... "i love this dance!" Adorable. And then we all made a circle holding hands to journey's "forever" and twirled and laughed together.

- Lydia and I went over to Nathans table and sat by him during the Mother and Groom dance. He said I looked pretty. =) Short and sweet and made my heart all warm like.

- The 10 course traditional chinese meal was amazing. Johnny, Joyce's brother, was sitting next to me and was putting all the good stuff on my plate. When the lobster came out he was like, "here! this part has the most meat and is the easiest to eat!" He was taking care of me... it was sweet.

- Nathan ate a fish eye. And then their table proceeded to look at me over at our table and laughed and yelled "he's all yours!" I believe I responded with something like, "I'm so proud" and I was.

- My uncle (one I'm not very close with) came up to me and perhaps gave me one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten. I was so astounded I can't even remember how he said it (i wish I could) but it was something like, "you walk so elegantly, it makes you look so beautiful, like you're floating along" but it was longer and much better said. And this was when I was wearing 4 1/2 inch heels! It took me off guard. And let me know that I did okay with something I was really nervous about (being a part of the ceremony).

- Watching my mom's face during the ceremony, she looked so proud and happy.

- Watching my brother be silly at the reception. He was dancing and having such a good time. I got to dance with him a couple times. We were so excited we probably looked like we were just bouncing around, but it was fun to just be happy with him on his day.

- Got to dance with Nathan too. I just love how we don't worry about how we look dancing, we just have a good time. He is a lot of fun to dance with.

- Having my dad tell me to ask my aunts about a time they went to New York with their crazy italian family. He was relating it to one my experiences and it was sweet that he was making me feel better about it.

- Watching my parents dance. They've been taking dancing lessons and were so cute.

- It was amazing being a part of the wedding (in the bridal party). I loved being the people getting the dancing started and making everyone else get involved. I was never on that side of the wedding, I was always one of the people watching and only went to the dance floor if I was made. It was so refreshing to just have a good time and celebrate.

- Nathan took me home and I mentioned being sad that they didn't get the party favors (little chinese figurines with "tom and joyce inscribed and their date") for immediate family and bridal party because I wanted a memento of the day. And one of the other bridesmaids took my flowers and left me with broken ones, otherwise I would have been happy with those. Nathan gave me his figurines and it really made me happy.

There were tons of small moments I won't forget. It was just such a great day. Even when things were going wrong and Joyce's family was freaking out, it wasn't bad. It was easy to stay positvie and happy when I kept the big picture of their future in mind. I'm so happy for my brother and, now, my new sister.

Oh let me count the things I would rather be doing...

Today I am experiencing a new kind of bored from this place. More bored than possibly possible. There is nothing to do. At one point I had 36 minutes between phone calls. The ultimate of boredom. Not to mention I am limiting my "fun" websites in order to keep other employees from talking bad behind my back. That's right, my boss says I'm doing a wonderful job and approves of my "downtime" whatevers and now other employees talk bad about me because I piss them off (or more realistically because they are jealous they do not have the guts to talk to their boss openly and ask if they can do what I'm doing). I am being mean... but they are too. You wouldn't believe the amount of rumors and gossip, and people who complain relentlessly, and make-up stuff just to give themselves some entertainment. And not just the stereotypical "gossip" people. No, it's near everyone... old guys have a group against the young new employees, new young employees complain about the older guys being rude... blah blah blah blah. I think of it as boredom gone bad.

I try so hard to be positive and not contribute to conversations of gossip, but that leaves me out of nearly all conversations. Which oddly enough, if you're not a part of them you become a subject of them. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. It's just stupid. Grown ups should not want to portray themselves this way. It's just become such the "typical" around here, they do it without even an ounce of remorse. Ha, it's funny because when I oppose what they are saying (for instance offer a positive or alternative perspective) they all look at my like I'm crazy and then later talk about how crazy I am when I "can't hear". Yet, it's amazing what carries in a call center, you hear everything.

If I wasn't so scared about not having a paycheck I would have left this place many months ago. It is killing my spirit.

I guess as for now I will just continue to pray for something better to come along or perhaps for God to show me why I'm still stuck in this blackhole of a work place.

Emotion-s'motion.

I feel over-dramatic when I go back and read posts like yesterday. It's amazing what talking to someone about your problems can do. I can easily have myself convinced of something when I just am figuring it out in my head. But my friends have a way of putting me back in place and helping me make a decision that is of sound logic. I'm not quitting my job. At least not this week. Yes, I am bored here and feel like it is a waist of my time, but the positives of it far outweigh those aspects. I want it all, but will have to patiently wait for my plan to pan out before I start making rash decisions.

I suppose I rely on my heart too much at times. Not completely a bad thing, you need to feel and have emotions to be able to experience life, but in a fine balance with understanding those feelings so you can deal accordingly with them. That's the hard part for me.

It never stops amazing me how incredible my friends are. I've been fairly self-centered recently, focused on my own issues and questions, and they stand by me like none other and consistently strive to listen and help. God was definitely kind to me in the friendship area, I'm so thankful for every one of them.

Lost.

It's mornings like this I wake up and consider quitting my job. Highly consider, not just not wanting to work today. I'm not tired or in a bad mood. It's like there is an actual force pushing me to not be in this place. Every mile closer and step into the building was forced because I'm not the type of person to just not show up. I only work here 3 days a week and the people are very nice. I know my job does not define me. But I am now staring at my headset and dreading the moment I put it on, which should have been 10 minutes ago.

Does God ever push us to do things that are not obviously good for us? I would be in a world of hurt without a paycheck from here. Maybe I should trust more. How do I know it is just not my own feelings, but more?

I don't know what to do.

Y.M.C.A. and other such shenanigans

My brother is getting married in October. I wish I was closer with him. I kind of missed that boat though. Now, I can't get the time of day with him alone, his fiancé always comes along. I like her, so it is not a problem, but I need to figure out a nice way to say I just need brother time without hurting her feelings. I would have never considered a problem with their marriage until I found my religion (quick side note, I wish I had a better way to say "my religion" and "saved" and such like that, I am still working through the jadedness I have in those phrases). Never before had I considered faith an important part of a marriage. Not to say it couldn't be there, but that it wasn't vital. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Clearly faith is the foundation of a relationship. It is your beliefs. It is what you are living for, living for together as a couple. I would imagine I made it out to be not important because I didn't have it. Anyways, I can't speak certainly because as I just said I do not know my brother as well as I wish I did, but from knowing what I do and watching his example I would imagine he is in the phase of thinking religion is not important (what I just got out of). I think that is a fair assumption knowing the way we were raised. Here's the point of this ramble-terrific paragraph, I'm afraid for my brother’s marriage. His fiancé has a strong Buddhist background. I'm not sure a marriage would endure through two religions clashing. Really, the only way it would work is if they both lived life ignoring the importance of faith, which is what they are currently doing. But what if someday they want more, like what I’ve just gone thorough? These are statements I would never, NEVER expected to come from my mouth. And really they shouldn't be. I guess, rather, I should believe that God will take care of them. But I know God gave people choice because he wanted them to have the freedom to make their own decision. What if they decide to go the other way? See? I'm bad at this. I'm outside of my box. All I want is to be happy for my brother. I guess that's all I can do and leave the rest up to the man who can.

haha, I'm gonna start calling God "the man who can". That's neat.

I'm excited for my brother and his fiancé. It is the first wedding I will be a part of. I am probably TOO excited about that part. I am going to totally going to rock the dance floor; I'm all about the electric slide. I even get to dance with the groom, someone I know. How cool is that? Actually knowing the people whose wedding you're at. As for the rest, I will pray and trust and be hopeful.

Religion with blinders.

I'm a new christian. When does the feeling of "I'm doing it wrong" subside? Am I supposed to feel differently? I do, but only my mind-set. I am thinking differently. Trying to not rely on myself. Trying to not stress about every little detail (like I usually do). It comes and goes. Some days I am better at it than others. Today is a day I'm feeling lost. Feeling a little like I'm not doing what I should be. Feeling like I have a lot of questions that are unanswered. It would be nice if God could send me a note with pros and cons of how I’m doing and maybe answer some of my questions. I know, I know.

Church lately has not been helpful. I know not the only reason for going to church is for self-fulfillment, but I do think it is a part. If you are not being fed scripture and expanding your knowledge I feel church has no purpose. Now please don't misquote me. I already said that was not the only reason churches are around. I understand they are to create a family where all can worship together and serve others. The actual service you go to at your church is not the only point; however I do believe it should be a vital part of the picture. One should look forward to worshiping with your church family and grow through that to serve and become a larger part of the church. Like if the egg or the chicken thing, I'm not sure if one or the other is more important because they work together. But I do know (as from what I'm currently experiencing) that if one is missing you feel incomplete.

I used to think having a religion was attending church every week. Singing along made you seem interested. And if you had the service memorized that really meant you were listening. Every Saturday night, if you were raised like me, you would visit church. Go in, do your thing, and leave. Be sure not to talk to anyone. No wonder I didn't enjoy it, what kid wants to spend their Saturday night at mass with their parents who believe teaching their religion includes making their kids read the Old Testament. It's amazing I actually found my way back into a positive form of religion. I thank Gods creativity for that one. To save a person who had (still has) such a negative view of certain religious aspects is just amazing. I didn't even know creating relationships at church was something people did until about a year ago. I am not saying my parents had it wrong. From what I see, they have meaning in their religion. I hope they do. And if not, I pray God uses me to show them otherwise. Continuing on though, I’ve gotten sidetracked. Religion has changed dramatically for me over the past few years. I’m now experiencing frustration because I desperately want it to be a vital part of my life (or the part of my life), but I’m doubting my knowledge. I keep second guessing what I know and how things should be. And honestly, most of the time I doubt something I know I come to realize that what I believed was wrong. It just makes me wonder what false assumptions I’m going off of that are also wrong. Really, I just want all the answers and I want them now. Not possible, I know. Ok, so I need to practice some patience. Don’t you just love talking yourself in circles to find the answer you’re looking for? I'm glad my religion blinders were removed. Despite all the questions I have, it is better than what I used to be.

Hurray!

I did it. I gave in. And for once, giving in feels good. Really good.

Brain? What's that for?

"There is a fight between God and Satan. If you are for God send this to ten people, if you are for Satan close this and live your life today." Is the forwarded text message I just recieved.

Really?! I closed (and deleated) the message. And then proceeded to reply to my cousin that they fight all the time and it doesn't matter whether you send that message to 10, 50 or NO people, God doesn't give a crap. Well, not exactly in those words, it was more loving of course.

Egh. Those things make me so sad. Why do people send them? Do they not use their head or do they just not want to be the person who stops sending it on?

Seriously, if you are a person who would have forwarded it on, tell me why. I would love to hear the logic behind it.

Not an average Wednesday night, but it was good.

Person 1: "I'm sure you don't wanna talk to me. I'm sittin at home in bad shape, I was in a serious car accident. I just want to say sorry to you. I really mean that. You don't have to forgive me, but I just want you to know."

Person 2: "You're right, you are not a person I want to talk to. But I appreciate the courage it took to say what you just did. I forgive you."

1: "I'm just going through a lot as of the past however long. I know what I did and it was wrong. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I really truly am sorry. I just had my life flash in front on me this past friday and I'm thinking about alot."

2: "I understand you did not ask for forgiveness, but I gave it anyway. I'm sorry it took a car accident for you to think about it. Thank you for giving me closure."

1: "No problem. You are right by the way. I'm the one sorry in the end. I'm really sorry."

2: "Thank you for apologizing, but there's no need to anymore. You are forgiven. Now just forgive yourself. That will be the hardest part. Take care."

1: "Take care too! I hope everything is good with you. If you ever want to talk more, I'd like to."

2: "I can't do that. I hope you understand. I'm glad we can go our separate ways without hard feelings now. Thank you again and I wish you well."

1: "I understand and also wish you the best."


Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do. God does it without even thinking. I suppose this incident was a bit too coincidental. I'm pretty sure I know who I need to thank.

I know what I want.

It's hard lying in bed thinking about your future, knowing what you want, but feeling like it is the farthest thing from attainable. Although unattainable, I can see it. And although as unattainable it feels now, there is no feeling of hopelessness. Just patience and trust. It comes and goes, but for now the feeling is good.

Two main things I have circling my head and funny enough with those two little things, life-changing things, I would feel complete. I can see them. That's new for me. I'm feeling more certain about what my future will look like.

These nights are far and few between, but in them, as I lay in bed watching scenarios in my mind, it all seems so clear. As if God Himself is showing me the wonderfulness I have to come. I'm not one you would normally hear something like that from, but in all honesty, I have no other explanation. In my mind, that is fighting it, it seems too good to be true, but in my heart it feels real. And really, I feel bad succumbing to saying that I have no other explanation. Ultimately because that lack of explanation needs to be trust. It's just hard for me to admit.

I feel I'm being led in the right way. Everyone has their issues, I guess mine is trust. Vulnerability is not something I work out-right for. It is something I'm decent at hiding. My will to do this is breaking down. Or perhaps to spin it in a positive light, my will is growing stronger.


On a completely separate note, I read something today that made me wish I was more like Jesus. I wish I was able to start every day new with forgiving everything from yesterday. Wouldn't it be so marvelous if someone hurt you the day before, yet the next day you honestly forgave them and loved them just as before? I know we're capable, but why is it so easy to hold grudges then? Because it makes us feel less inferior? Because it is the easier route to take? Because truly loving people is the most difficult thing in the world and it gives us an excuse not to try something difficult? It's a lot of work, but seems something to aspire to. It's hard knowing what you want to do, but know you will still fail occasionally (more often than not). I guess that's the miraculousness of that forgiveness. If it can be given to us, why not try and pass it on. Worth the effort, I think.

I love when things that never used to make sense come to light. I love being a teacher to help others find that feeling. When the clouds pass and you really get something. When you really understand it. It feels good.

It should be easy.

Wow. When did we go so wrong? Has it always been this bad? Is it getting worse?

They are real. The things we are capable of. It is real.

It centers about love.

That's as far down as I can break it.

Seems simple, yet we're unable.

I can't even begin to understand the complexity of the simplicity.

It's all up in the air...

Everyone knows that person in the shows that is depicted as the trouble maker or bad influence.

Sometimes I feel like that person. Many of the people around me have lived clean lives. Saying that there hasn't been any huge occurrences that have been regretted and put their path on an unwanted path, not that they haven't had conflict or hardships. And then there is me, I have many regrets. I have many things that I would take back or change or hurt myself instead of hurting people around me. I feel sad for feeling like that person.

I know I need to let it go, but I feel like such a huge portion of my life is part of it. It's not that I want my life changed, I love where I am now. I just wish I could have had a little more grace in my path to getting where I am now.

I guess as I live longer that part of my life won't seem as large. I look forward to that. As for today, I will work on going forward with that grace that I wish I had in the past.

I may as well go sit in a box.

I need to have a serious discussion with myself. I do not like where I am career-wise. And ultimately "career-wise" affects my "life-wise" mindset. It's not that I hate this job. This is actually a really nice job, some people would love it, I bet. I hate being run by the clock. Time clocks are not for me. If I need to take a late lunch because we are busy during my scheduled one, I should be able to. I love teaching, I'm feeling lost because it's been so hard getting into what I feel I should be doing. And since I'm not doing what makes me feel accomplished, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing it makes it extremely difficult to devote myself to my current job. I want to travel and be able to take a long weekend to go camping and have the freedom to stay out late and be with my friends. Money does not mean anything to me. It is however, an annoyance in the back of my mind constantly nagging about being able to pay the bills. Although that statement was dumb because without money I wouldn't be able to do those things I just listed. It's a messy circle of doom.

I do not like feeling trapped. There are so many places I want to go over this summer and know it will not happen while I'm working here, since I have NO vacation. I do not like feeling trapped. I just want to cry because the realization that I cannot "do it all" is coming to light and I feel like I'm not ready for it. I love having freedom in my schedule and this is the opposite. I do not like being trapped. Especially trapped by money. How ridiculous.

Money is not what life is about, yet we are all run by it. The only way around it is to find a job you love. This is an incredibly difficult task in this age. Even if you know what you want to be doing, chances are getting into that position will prove to be a challenge. Whether it be you got the wrong degree, thinking at that time it is what you wanted to do, but later realizing in life that you have changed and would be much better at something different or trying to find the right place where you fit in and can make yourself useful, finding that job you love is not easy. And all the while you have to make money somewhere else to be able to live, so you get yourself a job that does not fit your needs or really, for that matter, the companies needs. Therefore, everyone is screwed. This is where businesses find themselves lacking in productivity, have to hire three more people to do what should be one person's job, and general moral goes down the crapper.

It's a big picture of so many people's lives it actually makes me sick thinking about it. I believe everyone has a nitch they can fit in, a job they would be good at and therefore feel good about. Yet, so many people get stuck in the "looking" or "in the meantime" phase they become hopeless or fear not being able to survive (financially and physically) the transition to another position and loose their passion for what they really are good at.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get out of it myself. All I know is that I never want to loose my passion for what I'm good at. A person's job is too much of their life to let go by not enjoying. The only option is to never give up, as easy as it is. If you cherish your joy in being able to serve people with what you are good at, you can never give up. You may get stuck "in between" working the job you hate to make the bills, but please don't forget your passion, what you love, there is a place for you.

And there is a place for me.