My brother is getting married in October. I wish I was closer with him. I kind of missed that boat though. Now, I can't get the time of day with him alone, his fiancé always comes along. I like her, so it is not a problem, but I need to figure out a nice way to say I just need brother time without hurting her feelings. I would have never considered a problem with their marriage until I found my religion (quick side note, I wish I had a better way to say "my religion" and "saved" and such like that, I am still working through the jadedness I have in those phrases). Never before had I considered faith an important part of a marriage. Not to say it couldn't be there, but that it wasn't vital. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Clearly faith is the foundation of a relationship. It is your beliefs. It is what you are living for, living for together as a couple. I would imagine I made it out to be not important because I didn't have it. Anyways, I can't speak certainly because as I just said I do not know my brother as well as I wish I did, but from knowing what I do and watching his example I would imagine he is in the phase of thinking religion is not important (what I just got out of). I think that is a fair assumption knowing the way we were raised. Here's the point of this ramble-terrific paragraph, I'm afraid for my brother’s marriage. His fiancé has a strong Buddhist background. I'm not sure a marriage would endure through two religions clashing. Really, the only way it would work is if they both lived life ignoring the importance of faith, which is what they are currently doing. But what if someday they want more, like what I’ve just gone thorough? These are statements I would never, NEVER expected to come from my mouth. And really they shouldn't be. I guess, rather, I should believe that God will take care of them. But I know God gave people choice because he wanted them to have the freedom to make their own decision. What if they decide to go the other way? See? I'm bad at this. I'm outside of my box. All I want is to be happy for my brother. I guess that's all I can do and leave the rest up to the man who can.
haha, I'm gonna start calling God "the man who can". That's neat.
I'm excited for my brother and his fiancé. It is the first wedding I will be a part of. I am probably TOO excited about that part. I am going to totally going to rock the dance floor; I'm all about the electric slide. I even get to dance with the groom, someone I know. How cool is that? Actually knowing the people whose wedding you're at. As for the rest, I will pray and trust and be hopeful.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Religion with blinders.
I'm a new christian. When does the feeling of "I'm doing it wrong" subside? Am I supposed to feel differently? I do, but only my mind-set. I am thinking differently. Trying to not rely on myself. Trying to not stress about every little detail (like I usually do). It comes and goes. Some days I am better at it than others. Today is a day I'm feeling lost. Feeling a little like I'm not doing what I should be. Feeling like I have a lot of questions that are unanswered. It would be nice if God could send me a note with pros and cons of how I’m doing and maybe answer some of my questions. I know, I know.
Church lately has not been helpful. I know not the only reason for going to church is for self-fulfillment, but I do think it is a part. If you are not being fed scripture and expanding your knowledge I feel church has no purpose. Now please don't misquote me. I already said that was not the only reason churches are around. I understand they are to create a family where all can worship together and serve others. The actual service you go to at your church is not the only point; however I do believe it should be a vital part of the picture. One should look forward to worshiping with your church family and grow through that to serve and become a larger part of the church. Like if the egg or the chicken thing, I'm not sure if one or the other is more important because they work together. But I do know (as from what I'm currently experiencing) that if one is missing you feel incomplete.
I used to think having a religion was attending church every week. Singing along made you seem interested. And if you had the service memorized that really meant you were listening. Every Saturday night, if you were raised like me, you would visit church. Go in, do your thing, and leave. Be sure not to talk to anyone. No wonder I didn't enjoy it, what kid wants to spend their Saturday night at mass with their parents who believe teaching their religion includes making their kids read the Old Testament. It's amazing I actually found my way back into a positive form of religion. I thank Gods creativity for that one. To save a person who had (still has) such a negative view of certain religious aspects is just amazing. I didn't even know creating relationships at church was something people did until about a year ago. I am not saying my parents had it wrong. From what I see, they have meaning in their religion. I hope they do. And if not, I pray God uses me to show them otherwise. Continuing on though, I’ve gotten sidetracked. Religion has changed dramatically for me over the past few years. I’m now experiencing frustration because I desperately want it to be a vital part of my life (or the part of my life), but I’m doubting my knowledge. I keep second guessing what I know and how things should be. And honestly, most of the time I doubt something I know I come to realize that what I believed was wrong. It just makes me wonder what false assumptions I’m going off of that are also wrong. Really, I just want all the answers and I want them now. Not possible, I know. Ok, so I need to practice some patience. Don’t you just love talking yourself in circles to find the answer you’re looking for? I'm glad my religion blinders were removed. Despite all the questions I have, it is better than what I used to be.
Church lately has not been helpful. I know not the only reason for going to church is for self-fulfillment, but I do think it is a part. If you are not being fed scripture and expanding your knowledge I feel church has no purpose. Now please don't misquote me. I already said that was not the only reason churches are around. I understand they are to create a family where all can worship together and serve others. The actual service you go to at your church is not the only point; however I do believe it should be a vital part of the picture. One should look forward to worshiping with your church family and grow through that to serve and become a larger part of the church. Like if the egg or the chicken thing, I'm not sure if one or the other is more important because they work together. But I do know (as from what I'm currently experiencing) that if one is missing you feel incomplete.
I used to think having a religion was attending church every week. Singing along made you seem interested. And if you had the service memorized that really meant you were listening. Every Saturday night, if you were raised like me, you would visit church. Go in, do your thing, and leave. Be sure not to talk to anyone. No wonder I didn't enjoy it, what kid wants to spend their Saturday night at mass with their parents who believe teaching their religion includes making their kids read the Old Testament. It's amazing I actually found my way back into a positive form of religion. I thank Gods creativity for that one. To save a person who had (still has) such a negative view of certain religious aspects is just amazing. I didn't even know creating relationships at church was something people did until about a year ago. I am not saying my parents had it wrong. From what I see, they have meaning in their religion. I hope they do. And if not, I pray God uses me to show them otherwise. Continuing on though, I’ve gotten sidetracked. Religion has changed dramatically for me over the past few years. I’m now experiencing frustration because I desperately want it to be a vital part of my life (or the part of my life), but I’m doubting my knowledge. I keep second guessing what I know and how things should be. And honestly, most of the time I doubt something I know I come to realize that what I believed was wrong. It just makes me wonder what false assumptions I’m going off of that are also wrong. Really, I just want all the answers and I want them now. Not possible, I know. Ok, so I need to practice some patience. Don’t you just love talking yourself in circles to find the answer you’re looking for? I'm glad my religion blinders were removed. Despite all the questions I have, it is better than what I used to be.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Brain? What's that for?
"There is a fight between God and Satan. If you are for God send this to ten people, if you are for Satan close this and live your life today." Is the forwarded text message I just recieved.
Really?! I closed (and deleated) the message. And then proceeded to reply to my cousin that they fight all the time and it doesn't matter whether you send that message to 10, 50 or NO people, God doesn't give a crap. Well, not exactly in those words, it was more loving of course.
Egh. Those things make me so sad. Why do people send them? Do they not use their head or do they just not want to be the person who stops sending it on?
Seriously, if you are a person who would have forwarded it on, tell me why. I would love to hear the logic behind it.
Really?! I closed (and deleated) the message. And then proceeded to reply to my cousin that they fight all the time and it doesn't matter whether you send that message to 10, 50 or NO people, God doesn't give a crap. Well, not exactly in those words, it was more loving of course.
Egh. Those things make me so sad. Why do people send them? Do they not use their head or do they just not want to be the person who stops sending it on?
Seriously, if you are a person who would have forwarded it on, tell me why. I would love to hear the logic behind it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Not an average Wednesday night, but it was good.
Person 1: "I'm sure you don't wanna talk to me. I'm sittin at home in bad shape, I was in a serious car accident. I just want to say sorry to you. I really mean that. You don't have to forgive me, but I just want you to know."
Person 2: "You're right, you are not a person I want to talk to. But I appreciate the courage it took to say what you just did. I forgive you."
1: "I'm just going through a lot as of the past however long. I know what I did and it was wrong. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I really truly am sorry. I just had my life flash in front on me this past friday and I'm thinking about alot."
2: "I understand you did not ask for forgiveness, but I gave it anyway. I'm sorry it took a car accident for you to think about it. Thank you for giving me closure."
1: "No problem. You are right by the way. I'm the one sorry in the end. I'm really sorry."
2: "Thank you for apologizing, but there's no need to anymore. You are forgiven. Now just forgive yourself. That will be the hardest part. Take care."
1: "Take care too! I hope everything is good with you. If you ever want to talk more, I'd like to."
2: "I can't do that. I hope you understand. I'm glad we can go our separate ways without hard feelings now. Thank you again and I wish you well."
1: "I understand and also wish you the best."
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do. God does it without even thinking. I suppose this incident was a bit too coincidental. I'm pretty sure I know who I need to thank.
Person 2: "You're right, you are not a person I want to talk to. But I appreciate the courage it took to say what you just did. I forgive you."
1: "I'm just going through a lot as of the past however long. I know what I did and it was wrong. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I really truly am sorry. I just had my life flash in front on me this past friday and I'm thinking about alot."
2: "I understand you did not ask for forgiveness, but I gave it anyway. I'm sorry it took a car accident for you to think about it. Thank you for giving me closure."
1: "No problem. You are right by the way. I'm the one sorry in the end. I'm really sorry."
2: "Thank you for apologizing, but there's no need to anymore. You are forgiven. Now just forgive yourself. That will be the hardest part. Take care."
1: "Take care too! I hope everything is good with you. If you ever want to talk more, I'd like to."
2: "I can't do that. I hope you understand. I'm glad we can go our separate ways without hard feelings now. Thank you again and I wish you well."
1: "I understand and also wish you the best."
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do. God does it without even thinking. I suppose this incident was a bit too coincidental. I'm pretty sure I know who I need to thank.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I know what I want.
It's hard lying in bed thinking about your future, knowing what you want, but feeling like it is the farthest thing from attainable. Although unattainable, I can see it. And although as unattainable it feels now, there is no feeling of hopelessness. Just patience and trust. It comes and goes, but for now the feeling is good.
Two main things I have circling my head and funny enough with those two little things, life-changing things, I would feel complete. I can see them. That's new for me. I'm feeling more certain about what my future will look like.
These nights are far and few between, but in them, as I lay in bed watching scenarios in my mind, it all seems so clear. As if God Himself is showing me the wonderfulness I have to come. I'm not one you would normally hear something like that from, but in all honesty, I have no other explanation. In my mind, that is fighting it, it seems too good to be true, but in my heart it feels real. And really, I feel bad succumbing to saying that I have no other explanation. Ultimately because that lack of explanation needs to be trust. It's just hard for me to admit.
I feel I'm being led in the right way. Everyone has their issues, I guess mine is trust. Vulnerability is not something I work out-right for. It is something I'm decent at hiding. My will to do this is breaking down. Or perhaps to spin it in a positive light, my will is growing stronger.
On a completely separate note, I read something today that made me wish I was more like Jesus. I wish I was able to start every day new with forgiving everything from yesterday. Wouldn't it be so marvelous if someone hurt you the day before, yet the next day you honestly forgave them and loved them just as before? I know we're capable, but why is it so easy to hold grudges then? Because it makes us feel less inferior? Because it is the easier route to take? Because truly loving people is the most difficult thing in the world and it gives us an excuse not to try something difficult? It's a lot of work, but seems something to aspire to. It's hard knowing what you want to do, but know you will still fail occasionally (more often than not). I guess that's the miraculousness of that forgiveness. If it can be given to us, why not try and pass it on. Worth the effort, I think.
I love when things that never used to make sense come to light. I love being a teacher to help others find that feeling. When the clouds pass and you really get something. When you really understand it. It feels good.
Two main things I have circling my head and funny enough with those two little things, life-changing things, I would feel complete. I can see them. That's new for me. I'm feeling more certain about what my future will look like.
These nights are far and few between, but in them, as I lay in bed watching scenarios in my mind, it all seems so clear. As if God Himself is showing me the wonderfulness I have to come. I'm not one you would normally hear something like that from, but in all honesty, I have no other explanation. In my mind, that is fighting it, it seems too good to be true, but in my heart it feels real. And really, I feel bad succumbing to saying that I have no other explanation. Ultimately because that lack of explanation needs to be trust. It's just hard for me to admit.
I feel I'm being led in the right way. Everyone has their issues, I guess mine is trust. Vulnerability is not something I work out-right for. It is something I'm decent at hiding. My will to do this is breaking down. Or perhaps to spin it in a positive light, my will is growing stronger.
On a completely separate note, I read something today that made me wish I was more like Jesus. I wish I was able to start every day new with forgiving everything from yesterday. Wouldn't it be so marvelous if someone hurt you the day before, yet the next day you honestly forgave them and loved them just as before? I know we're capable, but why is it so easy to hold grudges then? Because it makes us feel less inferior? Because it is the easier route to take? Because truly loving people is the most difficult thing in the world and it gives us an excuse not to try something difficult? It's a lot of work, but seems something to aspire to. It's hard knowing what you want to do, but know you will still fail occasionally (more often than not). I guess that's the miraculousness of that forgiveness. If it can be given to us, why not try and pass it on. Worth the effort, I think.
I love when things that never used to make sense come to light. I love being a teacher to help others find that feeling. When the clouds pass and you really get something. When you really understand it. It feels good.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
It should be easy.
Wow. When did we go so wrong? Has it always been this bad? Is it getting worse?
They are real. The things we are capable of. It is real.
It centers about love.
That's as far down as I can break it.
Seems simple, yet we're unable.
I can't even begin to understand the complexity of the simplicity.
They are real. The things we are capable of. It is real.
It centers about love.
That's as far down as I can break it.
Seems simple, yet we're unable.
I can't even begin to understand the complexity of the simplicity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)