Not the best analogy, but it will suffice.

Some times life is messy. Other times your brain plays tricks on you. Despite the difficulty of those times you still have to plow through.

Consider me a worker horse, like one of those big oxen pulling the carts through the fields. I'm doing my best to get the job done.

The wait continues.

It's like I found work without really finding work. That didn't make any sense. Guess I'll just hope for a sick teacher.

And for my call Wednesday to go well.

Happy, happy, think happy.

I'm tryin this thing where not everything in my blog is negative. Although, that's when I think to write. So... we'll see how it goes.

A good friend of mine got a new job today. He's been looking for a long time, I'm so very happy for him.

One positive down, this is easier than I thought.

I also got a job, although I haven't been able to start because of silly paperwork and such, but it is coming. And when it does.... well I'll be working. It seems almost weird going to work, it's been too long. I love having a purpose. Hopefully next week, I'll be able to start.

There, that was a fairly positive paragraph as well. Good for me. I'm on my way.

One step at a time.

Harder than I knew it would be. Persistence is my goal now. And as much as I hate it, social networking. It seems if you want a job in the field you're qualified for you need to know someone. It's silly thinking that the people who would be best at the job may not necessarily be considered first. But here I am, about to join that circle.

I've really been focusing on staying positive. Even if the worst happens, I'll still be okay. Life will continue. I just love having a purpose and without one, I'm finding myself sad. A whole new kind of sad than I'm used to. Now that I am surrounded by people that love me (and that I love very much back) it's not a matter of being lonely, but wanting to share good news. They are all so supportive, even at times too supportive, if there's such a thing. I want to be able to shout good news and feel the excitement of celebration.

It's such an easy thing for me to be able to talk myself out of knowing what I want to do, just so rejection doesn't overcome when I can't do it. Substituting is what I need to do. It is a fine job. I would be good at it, what I'm sure they are looking for: a qualified, loving, and willing to work many days person. I would make great references and networks. I just can't find an "in".

When the darkest dark seems hopeless, keep going. Here I go...

Keeping the mind occupied.

Oh, how I wish I could be more proactive. Sitting around makes me a very... well, a couple words come to mind...

nervous,
depressed,
anxious,
stressed,
and uncomfortable

person. I guess those feelings can usually go hand in hand.


It's 100 times better being here surrounded by people that I know love me (and that I love). I have that to be thankful for, yet my choice to move was the reason for me not having a job. Uuugghhhh. Happiness is a tricky thing. I'm a million times more happy here and I wouldn't move back for the life of me, but it is so hard not knowing what I will be doing in less than a month. I have about three weeks until my window is closed and am beginning to consider other possibilities, despite my incredible desire for a classroom full of little ones ready to learn. Anyways, I'm not giving up. I guess whatever happens, happens.

A hard hit hard back to reality.

Well, it's about time I write in here. I've thought about it several times, but never really wanted to because I don't have much to say. Well, anything that hasn't already been said.

Summer has been great. More than I could have hoped for. My friends are amazing and I can't describe how wonderful it feels to have them around all the time. Not to mention I've been lucky enough to get closer to a couple people who were friends, but not as close as I'd like them to be. It's always nice to get to know new people. Scary at first, but very worth it.

I've had a knot in my stomach since I made the decision to move home and the source of it is not being able to find a job. Almost halfway through July now, and I'm afraid the knot may begin to give me ulcers soon. I'm terrified of not having a job. Not just because I won't be able to pay the bills, but because I won't have a purpose. Please don't take this as self-righteous, but I am a great teacher. I love being able to have that positive influence on children. I love seeing their faces light up when they learn something, even if it is just how to pump their feet on the swings. The fact that I may have to settle for being a substitute or something of that nature will be fine, but it does slightly break my heart. That sounds rude. In no way am I demeaning those jobs, they are just not what I had my heart set on. I'm perfectly aware they can leave just as big of an imprint as any other career in that field. Anyways, I'm going to continue calling districts and doing everything possible to find a job, but the fact may be that I just need to start thinking elsewhere. Where that would be I do not know. It sucks knowing that I'm sure other people are in my situation. Just knowing that willing teachers are out there and not able to do what they want/are good at doing is extremely depressing.

Well. I need to go grocery shopping.

It's good to be home.