As if it could be any more fustrating...

I just want to scream.

Some thoughtful reflection.

I love when you have those conversations where everything comes out. Where worries, fears, hopes, dreams, goals... etc, etc, all fly free. And you leave feeling satisfied. Oh, and if you're lucky you leave having learned something new, too. I've had several of these recently and can't but help feel grateful for all the love I've received.

I'm really glad for my friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything and I'm gonna love them no matter what. It's sad that it takes times like now (when I'm an absolute mess and they are the ones pulling me through) to say things like that, but I'm thankful one way or the other. They know when they're a mess, I'll be there too.

Family is good too. Not downplaying on that, they are a good definite constant, however I wasn't raised sharing emotions freely, so it's more awkward with them, yet they still listen when I talk. That was quite the run-on sentence, but I like it despite that so it's staying. Anyways I should learn how to rely on family more, it's always been a fault of mine to just run and hide. Yeah, you know: Fight or Flight? I make a pretty great bird.

Anyhow, I guess I just wanted to state my thankfulness of all the love I have received as of recent. It's always been here, I've just never been receptive to it (or good at getting/asking for it). It's easy to see how thankful I should be. I'm not saying it's over or everything is all better, all I'm saying is that it is so much easier to deal with knowing I'm surrounded by people who care and want to help.

10 points to Laura for moving back to St. Louis!

Priceless points to the people who make it incredibly worthwhile.

I'm going to make it a new fad.

I have a new hobby. Collecting jobs where they call me when I can work. Yup.

Not the best analogy, but it will suffice.

Some times life is messy. Other times your brain plays tricks on you. Despite the difficulty of those times you still have to plow through.

Consider me a worker horse, like one of those big oxen pulling the carts through the fields. I'm doing my best to get the job done.

The wait continues.

It's like I found work without really finding work. That didn't make any sense. Guess I'll just hope for a sick teacher.

And for my call Wednesday to go well.

Happy, happy, think happy.

I'm tryin this thing where not everything in my blog is negative. Although, that's when I think to write. So... we'll see how it goes.

A good friend of mine got a new job today. He's been looking for a long time, I'm so very happy for him.

One positive down, this is easier than I thought.

I also got a job, although I haven't been able to start because of silly paperwork and such, but it is coming. And when it does.... well I'll be working. It seems almost weird going to work, it's been too long. I love having a purpose. Hopefully next week, I'll be able to start.

There, that was a fairly positive paragraph as well. Good for me. I'm on my way.

One step at a time.

Harder than I knew it would be. Persistence is my goal now. And as much as I hate it, social networking. It seems if you want a job in the field you're qualified for you need to know someone. It's silly thinking that the people who would be best at the job may not necessarily be considered first. But here I am, about to join that circle.

I've really been focusing on staying positive. Even if the worst happens, I'll still be okay. Life will continue. I just love having a purpose and without one, I'm finding myself sad. A whole new kind of sad than I'm used to. Now that I am surrounded by people that love me (and that I love very much back) it's not a matter of being lonely, but wanting to share good news. They are all so supportive, even at times too supportive, if there's such a thing. I want to be able to shout good news and feel the excitement of celebration.

It's such an easy thing for me to be able to talk myself out of knowing what I want to do, just so rejection doesn't overcome when I can't do it. Substituting is what I need to do. It is a fine job. I would be good at it, what I'm sure they are looking for: a qualified, loving, and willing to work many days person. I would make great references and networks. I just can't find an "in".

When the darkest dark seems hopeless, keep going. Here I go...