Hurray!

I did it. I gave in. And for once, giving in feels good. Really good.

Brain? What's that for?

"There is a fight between God and Satan. If you are for God send this to ten people, if you are for Satan close this and live your life today." Is the forwarded text message I just recieved.

Really?! I closed (and deleated) the message. And then proceeded to reply to my cousin that they fight all the time and it doesn't matter whether you send that message to 10, 50 or NO people, God doesn't give a crap. Well, not exactly in those words, it was more loving of course.

Egh. Those things make me so sad. Why do people send them? Do they not use their head or do they just not want to be the person who stops sending it on?

Seriously, if you are a person who would have forwarded it on, tell me why. I would love to hear the logic behind it.

Not an average Wednesday night, but it was good.

Person 1: "I'm sure you don't wanna talk to me. I'm sittin at home in bad shape, I was in a serious car accident. I just want to say sorry to you. I really mean that. You don't have to forgive me, but I just want you to know."

Person 2: "You're right, you are not a person I want to talk to. But I appreciate the courage it took to say what you just did. I forgive you."

1: "I'm just going through a lot as of the past however long. I know what I did and it was wrong. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I really truly am sorry. I just had my life flash in front on me this past friday and I'm thinking about alot."

2: "I understand you did not ask for forgiveness, but I gave it anyway. I'm sorry it took a car accident for you to think about it. Thank you for giving me closure."

1: "No problem. You are right by the way. I'm the one sorry in the end. I'm really sorry."

2: "Thank you for apologizing, but there's no need to anymore. You are forgiven. Now just forgive yourself. That will be the hardest part. Take care."

1: "Take care too! I hope everything is good with you. If you ever want to talk more, I'd like to."

2: "I can't do that. I hope you understand. I'm glad we can go our separate ways without hard feelings now. Thank you again and I wish you well."

1: "I understand and also wish you the best."


Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do. God does it without even thinking. I suppose this incident was a bit too coincidental. I'm pretty sure I know who I need to thank.

I know what I want.

It's hard lying in bed thinking about your future, knowing what you want, but feeling like it is the farthest thing from attainable. Although unattainable, I can see it. And although as unattainable it feels now, there is no feeling of hopelessness. Just patience and trust. It comes and goes, but for now the feeling is good.

Two main things I have circling my head and funny enough with those two little things, life-changing things, I would feel complete. I can see them. That's new for me. I'm feeling more certain about what my future will look like.

These nights are far and few between, but in them, as I lay in bed watching scenarios in my mind, it all seems so clear. As if God Himself is showing me the wonderfulness I have to come. I'm not one you would normally hear something like that from, but in all honesty, I have no other explanation. In my mind, that is fighting it, it seems too good to be true, but in my heart it feels real. And really, I feel bad succumbing to saying that I have no other explanation. Ultimately because that lack of explanation needs to be trust. It's just hard for me to admit.

I feel I'm being led in the right way. Everyone has their issues, I guess mine is trust. Vulnerability is not something I work out-right for. It is something I'm decent at hiding. My will to do this is breaking down. Or perhaps to spin it in a positive light, my will is growing stronger.


On a completely separate note, I read something today that made me wish I was more like Jesus. I wish I was able to start every day new with forgiving everything from yesterday. Wouldn't it be so marvelous if someone hurt you the day before, yet the next day you honestly forgave them and loved them just as before? I know we're capable, but why is it so easy to hold grudges then? Because it makes us feel less inferior? Because it is the easier route to take? Because truly loving people is the most difficult thing in the world and it gives us an excuse not to try something difficult? It's a lot of work, but seems something to aspire to. It's hard knowing what you want to do, but know you will still fail occasionally (more often than not). I guess that's the miraculousness of that forgiveness. If it can be given to us, why not try and pass it on. Worth the effort, I think.

I love when things that never used to make sense come to light. I love being a teacher to help others find that feeling. When the clouds pass and you really get something. When you really understand it. It feels good.

It should be easy.

Wow. When did we go so wrong? Has it always been this bad? Is it getting worse?

They are real. The things we are capable of. It is real.

It centers about love.

That's as far down as I can break it.

Seems simple, yet we're unable.

I can't even begin to understand the complexity of the simplicity.

It's all up in the air...

Everyone knows that person in the shows that is depicted as the trouble maker or bad influence.

Sometimes I feel like that person. Many of the people around me have lived clean lives. Saying that there hasn't been any huge occurrences that have been regretted and put their path on an unwanted path, not that they haven't had conflict or hardships. And then there is me, I have many regrets. I have many things that I would take back or change or hurt myself instead of hurting people around me. I feel sad for feeling like that person.

I know I need to let it go, but I feel like such a huge portion of my life is part of it. It's not that I want my life changed, I love where I am now. I just wish I could have had a little more grace in my path to getting where I am now.

I guess as I live longer that part of my life won't seem as large. I look forward to that. As for today, I will work on going forward with that grace that I wish I had in the past.

I may as well go sit in a box.

I need to have a serious discussion with myself. I do not like where I am career-wise. And ultimately "career-wise" affects my "life-wise" mindset. It's not that I hate this job. This is actually a really nice job, some people would love it, I bet. I hate being run by the clock. Time clocks are not for me. If I need to take a late lunch because we are busy during my scheduled one, I should be able to. I love teaching, I'm feeling lost because it's been so hard getting into what I feel I should be doing. And since I'm not doing what makes me feel accomplished, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing it makes it extremely difficult to devote myself to my current job. I want to travel and be able to take a long weekend to go camping and have the freedom to stay out late and be with my friends. Money does not mean anything to me. It is however, an annoyance in the back of my mind constantly nagging about being able to pay the bills. Although that statement was dumb because without money I wouldn't be able to do those things I just listed. It's a messy circle of doom.

I do not like feeling trapped. There are so many places I want to go over this summer and know it will not happen while I'm working here, since I have NO vacation. I do not like feeling trapped. I just want to cry because the realization that I cannot "do it all" is coming to light and I feel like I'm not ready for it. I love having freedom in my schedule and this is the opposite. I do not like being trapped. Especially trapped by money. How ridiculous.

Money is not what life is about, yet we are all run by it. The only way around it is to find a job you love. This is an incredibly difficult task in this age. Even if you know what you want to be doing, chances are getting into that position will prove to be a challenge. Whether it be you got the wrong degree, thinking at that time it is what you wanted to do, but later realizing in life that you have changed and would be much better at something different or trying to find the right place where you fit in and can make yourself useful, finding that job you love is not easy. And all the while you have to make money somewhere else to be able to live, so you get yourself a job that does not fit your needs or really, for that matter, the companies needs. Therefore, everyone is screwed. This is where businesses find themselves lacking in productivity, have to hire three more people to do what should be one person's job, and general moral goes down the crapper.

It's a big picture of so many people's lives it actually makes me sick thinking about it. I believe everyone has a nitch they can fit in, a job they would be good at and therefore feel good about. Yet, so many people get stuck in the "looking" or "in the meantime" phase they become hopeless or fear not being able to survive (financially and physically) the transition to another position and loose their passion for what they really are good at.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get out of it myself. All I know is that I never want to loose my passion for what I'm good at. A person's job is too much of their life to let go by not enjoying. The only option is to never give up, as easy as it is. If you cherish your joy in being able to serve people with what you are good at, you can never give up. You may get stuck "in between" working the job you hate to make the bills, but please don't forget your passion, what you love, there is a place for you.

And there is a place for me.