I know what I want.

It's hard lying in bed thinking about your future, knowing what you want, but feeling like it is the farthest thing from attainable. Although unattainable, I can see it. And although as unattainable it feels now, there is no feeling of hopelessness. Just patience and trust. It comes and goes, but for now the feeling is good.

Two main things I have circling my head and funny enough with those two little things, life-changing things, I would feel complete. I can see them. That's new for me. I'm feeling more certain about what my future will look like.

These nights are far and few between, but in them, as I lay in bed watching scenarios in my mind, it all seems so clear. As if God Himself is showing me the wonderfulness I have to come. I'm not one you would normally hear something like that from, but in all honesty, I have no other explanation. In my mind, that is fighting it, it seems too good to be true, but in my heart it feels real. And really, I feel bad succumbing to saying that I have no other explanation. Ultimately because that lack of explanation needs to be trust. It's just hard for me to admit.

I feel I'm being led in the right way. Everyone has their issues, I guess mine is trust. Vulnerability is not something I work out-right for. It is something I'm decent at hiding. My will to do this is breaking down. Or perhaps to spin it in a positive light, my will is growing stronger.


On a completely separate note, I read something today that made me wish I was more like Jesus. I wish I was able to start every day new with forgiving everything from yesterday. Wouldn't it be so marvelous if someone hurt you the day before, yet the next day you honestly forgave them and loved them just as before? I know we're capable, but why is it so easy to hold grudges then? Because it makes us feel less inferior? Because it is the easier route to take? Because truly loving people is the most difficult thing in the world and it gives us an excuse not to try something difficult? It's a lot of work, but seems something to aspire to. It's hard knowing what you want to do, but know you will still fail occasionally (more often than not). I guess that's the miraculousness of that forgiveness. If it can be given to us, why not try and pass it on. Worth the effort, I think.

I love when things that never used to make sense come to light. I love being a teacher to help others find that feeling. When the clouds pass and you really get something. When you really understand it. It feels good.

It should be easy.

Wow. When did we go so wrong? Has it always been this bad? Is it getting worse?

They are real. The things we are capable of. It is real.

It centers about love.

That's as far down as I can break it.

Seems simple, yet we're unable.

I can't even begin to understand the complexity of the simplicity.

It's all up in the air...

Everyone knows that person in the shows that is depicted as the trouble maker or bad influence.

Sometimes I feel like that person. Many of the people around me have lived clean lives. Saying that there hasn't been any huge occurrences that have been regretted and put their path on an unwanted path, not that they haven't had conflict or hardships. And then there is me, I have many regrets. I have many things that I would take back or change or hurt myself instead of hurting people around me. I feel sad for feeling like that person.

I know I need to let it go, but I feel like such a huge portion of my life is part of it. It's not that I want my life changed, I love where I am now. I just wish I could have had a little more grace in my path to getting where I am now.

I guess as I live longer that part of my life won't seem as large. I look forward to that. As for today, I will work on going forward with that grace that I wish I had in the past.

I may as well go sit in a box.

I need to have a serious discussion with myself. I do not like where I am career-wise. And ultimately "career-wise" affects my "life-wise" mindset. It's not that I hate this job. This is actually a really nice job, some people would love it, I bet. I hate being run by the clock. Time clocks are not for me. If I need to take a late lunch because we are busy during my scheduled one, I should be able to. I love teaching, I'm feeling lost because it's been so hard getting into what I feel I should be doing. And since I'm not doing what makes me feel accomplished, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing it makes it extremely difficult to devote myself to my current job. I want to travel and be able to take a long weekend to go camping and have the freedom to stay out late and be with my friends. Money does not mean anything to me. It is however, an annoyance in the back of my mind constantly nagging about being able to pay the bills. Although that statement was dumb because without money I wouldn't be able to do those things I just listed. It's a messy circle of doom.

I do not like feeling trapped. There are so many places I want to go over this summer and know it will not happen while I'm working here, since I have NO vacation. I do not like feeling trapped. I just want to cry because the realization that I cannot "do it all" is coming to light and I feel like I'm not ready for it. I love having freedom in my schedule and this is the opposite. I do not like being trapped. Especially trapped by money. How ridiculous.

Money is not what life is about, yet we are all run by it. The only way around it is to find a job you love. This is an incredibly difficult task in this age. Even if you know what you want to be doing, chances are getting into that position will prove to be a challenge. Whether it be you got the wrong degree, thinking at that time it is what you wanted to do, but later realizing in life that you have changed and would be much better at something different or trying to find the right place where you fit in and can make yourself useful, finding that job you love is not easy. And all the while you have to make money somewhere else to be able to live, so you get yourself a job that does not fit your needs or really, for that matter, the companies needs. Therefore, everyone is screwed. This is where businesses find themselves lacking in productivity, have to hire three more people to do what should be one person's job, and general moral goes down the crapper.

It's a big picture of so many people's lives it actually makes me sick thinking about it. I believe everyone has a nitch they can fit in, a job they would be good at and therefore feel good about. Yet, so many people get stuck in the "looking" or "in the meantime" phase they become hopeless or fear not being able to survive (financially and physically) the transition to another position and loose their passion for what they really are good at.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get out of it myself. All I know is that I never want to loose my passion for what I'm good at. A person's job is too much of their life to let go by not enjoying. The only option is to never give up, as easy as it is. If you cherish your joy in being able to serve people with what you are good at, you can never give up. You may get stuck "in between" working the job you hate to make the bills, but please don't forget your passion, what you love, there is a place for you.

And there is a place for me.

A compromise has to be made.

There comes a time when a person's effort is not enough. There's only so much one person can pull before the uneven weight collapses it all. I can honestly say this past week has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time. My body has actually gotten to the point of fighting me. As of two days ago I could no longer control my emotions. It was just too much. I was sad and angry and upset and couldn't convince myself otherwise. It's a scary thing when you reach that point.

I sat on my bed telling myself it's not that bad, I can get past this. Yet, could not actually make myself believe it. There's been a lot of stress floating around me lately and I let it get to me. I need to be one of those people who just lets it flow and not bother them. Yet, I cannot change the way I react (despite how badly I want to right now).

I need to stop the self pity party and suck it up. I just don't know how to.

What a wallowing, pathetic feeling. Ugh.

I don't like it.

Some things just make me real angry. Then they make me real sad. It's like I'm going through phases, but then it just stops there.

The thing I'm thinking about I have strong feelings on the subject, but I do not care to write about it. At least not now, in my sad phase. Maybe in a less caring one I'll attack it some other day, but for now, I just feel like being sad about it.

No need to worry. It will soon pass.

Tomorrow's Tuesday...

I would quote this as the randomness of random.

Lately, there's been a lot going on. Not just with me, it seems everyone has their time occupied. Not necessarily with physical activities, but something of the sort that keeps their mind moving. Mean thoughts being exchanged, people being hurt, people being appreciative, people being kind, jobs changing, people sick, people healing, basically I can think of a little of it all happening somewhere around me now. It's interesting to take a step back and just watch. I've considered myself unemployed for some time now, and I've been through many of phases, yet just getting to the point of acceptance and looking at my time as a positive, I find it funny that I was offered a job. It's nothing special, your regular run of the mill office-phone answering job, yet it paid enough to let me know if I took it I would feel more comfortable financially. And although it is not something I will love doing, I feel fairly comfortable saying I think something better will come along, this will just keep me afloat until then. Living by trying to just stay afloat is a funny thing, well it's not funny at all actually. So many people are doing it and frankly I don't see it as a positive way to be. Finances are usually the cause of the sinking feeling and it pains me to know how much of a hold money has on our lives. I just don't know what to think of it. So many would say if they had more money they could be better people, i.e. giving more and raising their daily emotional well being. Here's what I'm wondering: why does it take more money to do that? I get it, I do. More money equals more options, more freedom in how lives are lived. Therefore more ways to do good. I guess I'm just trying to say that it makes me sad that is what it takes to think we can be better. Well, really I'm not sure what I'm getting at, besides the fact that I hate money and how I feel it runs my life. Finances are like being tied to a rock while plummeting to the depths of the sea for me. There's a corny simile for you. I just feel trapped by it. It's humorous I went into this having no notions of what I wanted to say and this is what came out. I want to dream of a world without money tonight. I know without the doom of money, surly other problems would arise just as daunting, but I'm just sincerely curious in what it would look like.

...let the mind daydream for a bit...

October flew by like breeze, ha, a breeze with lots of rain. It's my favorite month, not just because my birthday is in it, however that did make it particularly special this year. I am usually opposed to using the word blessed, it's just not in my comfort level of speaking, but it's probably the best word I could think of to describe my birthday. It's not that I was given an amazing present that my friends all went in on together, although that was an incredible bonus, but rather I got to feel how much they care. It was my special day to feel loved and they accomplished it. Not that I don't feel loved by them every other day, but I think you understand the sentiment. Anyways, October is my favorite month for many reasons. I love the weather, the cool wind, the beautiful colors, the changing of times, it's all rather pleasant for me. But that's not the biggie. Really, October stands for something in my mind. Kind of like Missouri was the gateway to the West, I see October as the gateway to the special time of year. October is the beginning of family get-togethers, the beginning of thinking of special ways to show special people you love them, the opening to long school breaks for students who need a rest from class. It's the beginning of a great season, in my opinion. I guess it's just my favorite time of year. I love bundling up and having cozy fires and taking in the atmosphere created by all the sights and smells. I'm not a person that enjoys hype, matter of fact I love Thanksgiving more than Christmas because I feel the message hasn't been killed quite as much. Christmas definitely has a special place for me, just maybe not for the reasons that are most commonly associated with that holiday. I love thanksgiving because their are no expectations. People gather because they love each other and want to celebrate together. Probably what Christmas is more supposed to look like.

...a few seconds of reflection...

I have no where I'm going with this, other than the fact I felt like typing and this is my outlet. I'm not trying to make bold statements or sway anyone's opinions, merely stating my own, because sometimes it gets old with them just swishing around in my head. I have no purpose to this blog and I like it that way. I know they are supposed to be focused and concentrate on one thing, yet I think having an outlet for ones thoughts is important. Everyone does it differently, some talk, some meet, some pray, some use physical methods, some write, I type. Or more so a mixture of all of the above.

...another dose of wandering and here's the conclusion, random, but seemingly a closing...

I went into this blog feeling the need to write about how I feel changed and have been doing things to keep my outlook positive recently and somehow my mind went astray. I felt selfish. So self-serving to be always writing about myself. Today, I felt more of the big picture was on my mind. Everyone has problems, everyone has activities, everyone has their life. It's so easy to be consumed by our own selves. Yet it's the love of others that makes it easy to see outside of that. It's ironic and slightly comical how we work. One word, so small, is such an excruciating large part of our lives that without makes it nothing. You go by, just staying afloat, lacking that key without the goal in mind. Let it seem trivial and obvious, but I hate how easy it is to forget about love. The center of it all, and so easily pushed aside. How is it that the ultimate of all feeling, showing, receiving, giving, can be so inconsequential at times? So battered down by everything other, the reality is buried or warped to things not meant to be. Such a pure emotion. Yet so misused and ignored. It's a wonder how it's dealt with day after day and still comes back for more. Unworthy, but still it is there. Always coming back for more. Astounding.