Oh let me count the things I would rather be doing...

Today I am experiencing a new kind of bored from this place. More bored than possibly possible. There is nothing to do. At one point I had 36 minutes between phone calls. The ultimate of boredom. Not to mention I am limiting my "fun" websites in order to keep other employees from talking bad behind my back. That's right, my boss says I'm doing a wonderful job and approves of my "downtime" whatevers and now other employees talk bad about me because I piss them off (or more realistically because they are jealous they do not have the guts to talk to their boss openly and ask if they can do what I'm doing). I am being mean... but they are too. You wouldn't believe the amount of rumors and gossip, and people who complain relentlessly, and make-up stuff just to give themselves some entertainment. And not just the stereotypical "gossip" people. No, it's near everyone... old guys have a group against the young new employees, new young employees complain about the older guys being rude... blah blah blah blah. I think of it as boredom gone bad.

I try so hard to be positive and not contribute to conversations of gossip, but that leaves me out of nearly all conversations. Which oddly enough, if you're not a part of them you become a subject of them. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. It's just stupid. Grown ups should not want to portray themselves this way. It's just become such the "typical" around here, they do it without even an ounce of remorse. Ha, it's funny because when I oppose what they are saying (for instance offer a positive or alternative perspective) they all look at my like I'm crazy and then later talk about how crazy I am when I "can't hear". Yet, it's amazing what carries in a call center, you hear everything.

If I wasn't so scared about not having a paycheck I would have left this place many months ago. It is killing my spirit.

I guess as for now I will just continue to pray for something better to come along or perhaps for God to show me why I'm still stuck in this blackhole of a work place.

Emotion-s'motion.

I feel over-dramatic when I go back and read posts like yesterday. It's amazing what talking to someone about your problems can do. I can easily have myself convinced of something when I just am figuring it out in my head. But my friends have a way of putting me back in place and helping me make a decision that is of sound logic. I'm not quitting my job. At least not this week. Yes, I am bored here and feel like it is a waist of my time, but the positives of it far outweigh those aspects. I want it all, but will have to patiently wait for my plan to pan out before I start making rash decisions.

I suppose I rely on my heart too much at times. Not completely a bad thing, you need to feel and have emotions to be able to experience life, but in a fine balance with understanding those feelings so you can deal accordingly with them. That's the hard part for me.

It never stops amazing me how incredible my friends are. I've been fairly self-centered recently, focused on my own issues and questions, and they stand by me like none other and consistently strive to listen and help. God was definitely kind to me in the friendship area, I'm so thankful for every one of them.

Lost.

It's mornings like this I wake up and consider quitting my job. Highly consider, not just not wanting to work today. I'm not tired or in a bad mood. It's like there is an actual force pushing me to not be in this place. Every mile closer and step into the building was forced because I'm not the type of person to just not show up. I only work here 3 days a week and the people are very nice. I know my job does not define me. But I am now staring at my headset and dreading the moment I put it on, which should have been 10 minutes ago.

Does God ever push us to do things that are not obviously good for us? I would be in a world of hurt without a paycheck from here. Maybe I should trust more. How do I know it is just not my own feelings, but more?

I don't know what to do.

Y.M.C.A. and other such shenanigans

My brother is getting married in October. I wish I was closer with him. I kind of missed that boat though. Now, I can't get the time of day with him alone, his fiancé always comes along. I like her, so it is not a problem, but I need to figure out a nice way to say I just need brother time without hurting her feelings. I would have never considered a problem with their marriage until I found my religion (quick side note, I wish I had a better way to say "my religion" and "saved" and such like that, I am still working through the jadedness I have in those phrases). Never before had I considered faith an important part of a marriage. Not to say it couldn't be there, but that it wasn't vital. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Clearly faith is the foundation of a relationship. It is your beliefs. It is what you are living for, living for together as a couple. I would imagine I made it out to be not important because I didn't have it. Anyways, I can't speak certainly because as I just said I do not know my brother as well as I wish I did, but from knowing what I do and watching his example I would imagine he is in the phase of thinking religion is not important (what I just got out of). I think that is a fair assumption knowing the way we were raised. Here's the point of this ramble-terrific paragraph, I'm afraid for my brother’s marriage. His fiancé has a strong Buddhist background. I'm not sure a marriage would endure through two religions clashing. Really, the only way it would work is if they both lived life ignoring the importance of faith, which is what they are currently doing. But what if someday they want more, like what I’ve just gone thorough? These are statements I would never, NEVER expected to come from my mouth. And really they shouldn't be. I guess, rather, I should believe that God will take care of them. But I know God gave people choice because he wanted them to have the freedom to make their own decision. What if they decide to go the other way? See? I'm bad at this. I'm outside of my box. All I want is to be happy for my brother. I guess that's all I can do and leave the rest up to the man who can.

haha, I'm gonna start calling God "the man who can". That's neat.

I'm excited for my brother and his fiancé. It is the first wedding I will be a part of. I am probably TOO excited about that part. I am going to totally going to rock the dance floor; I'm all about the electric slide. I even get to dance with the groom, someone I know. How cool is that? Actually knowing the people whose wedding you're at. As for the rest, I will pray and trust and be hopeful.

Religion with blinders.

I'm a new christian. When does the feeling of "I'm doing it wrong" subside? Am I supposed to feel differently? I do, but only my mind-set. I am thinking differently. Trying to not rely on myself. Trying to not stress about every little detail (like I usually do). It comes and goes. Some days I am better at it than others. Today is a day I'm feeling lost. Feeling a little like I'm not doing what I should be. Feeling like I have a lot of questions that are unanswered. It would be nice if God could send me a note with pros and cons of how I’m doing and maybe answer some of my questions. I know, I know.

Church lately has not been helpful. I know not the only reason for going to church is for self-fulfillment, but I do think it is a part. If you are not being fed scripture and expanding your knowledge I feel church has no purpose. Now please don't misquote me. I already said that was not the only reason churches are around. I understand they are to create a family where all can worship together and serve others. The actual service you go to at your church is not the only point; however I do believe it should be a vital part of the picture. One should look forward to worshiping with your church family and grow through that to serve and become a larger part of the church. Like if the egg or the chicken thing, I'm not sure if one or the other is more important because they work together. But I do know (as from what I'm currently experiencing) that if one is missing you feel incomplete.

I used to think having a religion was attending church every week. Singing along made you seem interested. And if you had the service memorized that really meant you were listening. Every Saturday night, if you were raised like me, you would visit church. Go in, do your thing, and leave. Be sure not to talk to anyone. No wonder I didn't enjoy it, what kid wants to spend their Saturday night at mass with their parents who believe teaching their religion includes making their kids read the Old Testament. It's amazing I actually found my way back into a positive form of religion. I thank Gods creativity for that one. To save a person who had (still has) such a negative view of certain religious aspects is just amazing. I didn't even know creating relationships at church was something people did until about a year ago. I am not saying my parents had it wrong. From what I see, they have meaning in their religion. I hope they do. And if not, I pray God uses me to show them otherwise. Continuing on though, I’ve gotten sidetracked. Religion has changed dramatically for me over the past few years. I’m now experiencing frustration because I desperately want it to be a vital part of my life (or the part of my life), but I’m doubting my knowledge. I keep second guessing what I know and how things should be. And honestly, most of the time I doubt something I know I come to realize that what I believed was wrong. It just makes me wonder what false assumptions I’m going off of that are also wrong. Really, I just want all the answers and I want them now. Not possible, I know. Ok, so I need to practice some patience. Don’t you just love talking yourself in circles to find the answer you’re looking for? I'm glad my religion blinders were removed. Despite all the questions I have, it is better than what I used to be.

Hurray!

I did it. I gave in. And for once, giving in feels good. Really good.

Brain? What's that for?

"There is a fight between God and Satan. If you are for God send this to ten people, if you are for Satan close this and live your life today." Is the forwarded text message I just recieved.

Really?! I closed (and deleated) the message. And then proceeded to reply to my cousin that they fight all the time and it doesn't matter whether you send that message to 10, 50 or NO people, God doesn't give a crap. Well, not exactly in those words, it was more loving of course.

Egh. Those things make me so sad. Why do people send them? Do they not use their head or do they just not want to be the person who stops sending it on?

Seriously, if you are a person who would have forwarded it on, tell me why. I would love to hear the logic behind it.