Neighbors... doctors... blahhhhhh blah

Alright. Between my unpleasant dreaming and my neighbors (which I can clearly hear while laying in my bed, unfortunately) screaming and cussing the most ridiculous and teenage-like argument I got a very very bad night of sleep last night. To say the least I'm ready for bed right now. I wanted to yell to my neighbors through the wall, "hey, girl, you're not really mad at him for anything you're just being bitchy, and hey, guy you're just being angry because she's being bitchy". Seriously, I've never seen these people before and I know I shouldn't judge, but they were arguing about turning the lights off. There must have been some other catalyst, because surely people don't full out argue about the lights being turned off. To top it off, the phrase, "don't go to bed angry" does not apply to them. The yelling profanities picked right up at 5 in the morning, not too shortly after I had just convinced myself to go back to sleep from my scary dream. I felt bad for them they went to bed late and angry and then had to wake up the same way, I guess at least I got to sleep for a bit after they had to leave (for work I suppose). So the moral of the story is: you're lucky if your loud neighbors have to leave before you do in the morning.

Real quick, before I doze off, I've had this "knot" in the middle of my back just to the right of my spine for close to a month now. I first thought I just slept wrong and had a kink or something, but after a week of it not changing I've begun wondering what it is. It's not a constant pain, it is mostly when I turn to lay on my side or turn my neck a certain way, also when I take a deep breath. I would go to a doctor, but I don't have one in KC. Hopefully it's nothing seriously cuz I'm obviously not doing anything about it. I guess if it continues I should try to find a doctor. We'll see.

Well nite, nite...the glory of the weekend is I can sleep on my couch and can't hear my neighbors in my living room. Boo for no bed, but yay for uninterrupted sleep.

If only.

I just had a scary dream and did not like it. I'm purposefully keeping myself awake for a bit on the off-chance it's one of those dreams you wake up from and then fall back asleep to find yourself doing the same thing again. I know I've mentioned before how I almost never dream and if I do, they are usually terrifying. It's funny how something so unreal can bring me to lay in bed ever so still because I may be found if I move. I know I'm like a 2 year old when it comes to dreams. They scare me. This is one of those times someone lying next to me would come in handy. *turn, hide face into their chest, and drift back off to sleep nice and safe*

I can do it.

Well... it's done. I've applied to all the districts I can think of that have available positions now. More will come, but for now I've done all I can living in another city. As I submitted my last application today I felt my stomach turn with a feeling of uneasiness. And then the questions started flying: Most district's salaries are higher in this city, what if they find me unqualified? What if they want more experience? I don't have "a way in" like I did here, having high people recommend me who already work for the district, what if that is the only way to get a job? And they continue, but it makes my tummy feel more anticipation as I type them, so I'm going to digress.

I did come across a job fair in February. I'll have to take a sick day to make it to it, but those are always worth while. Come dressed for success and make a good impression in person. I can do that. Oh man. I'm already nervous. I'm a great teacher, I will be able to find a job (repeat over and over to self).

I will find a job....I will find a job... I will.....

Smiles and Frowns all around

I had an extreme high and low today. Which to begin with. Aw heck, I'll tell them in the order they happened, so high first.

I told my team I was looking for a job in another city, which meant probably moving away come summer. I expected some, "oh really?" "didn't expect that!" and "why would you do that?" responses, yet I got none of the above. They were excited for me. They knew how much i love the other city and how much it means to me. Their comments were all out of love and understanding and gratefulness of me being upfront and honest in letting them know personally as a team. (that partly goes to show how word travels around a school and how sincere honesty coming from the source can mean the world to a person) My team said they would miss me lots if I do move away and they would pray for me to find a great job there. So there was the high.

Here's the low: I kicked a student out of my class today. I'm not proud of it and wish it didn't have to be done, but a teacher can only take so much disrespect and waisted time before some severe action needs to take place. The student was blatantly ignoring me and on top of it they were waisting 17 other student's time. I can deal with a student ignoring me, but when it comes down to them ruining the education of the rest of my class I figure one student out for the success of 17 others is what needs to be done. You know when your class is staring drop-jawed at the situation at hand, wondering why the hell isn't that kid doing what the teacher is asking, there is a problem. So knowing I did what had to happen, I still feel guilty. The pressure of being a teacher is disheartening at times. Did I do something wrong? Did I not teach him something? Was there something I could have said to make the situation go better? are a few of the million questions floating through my mind. I want so badly so be the perfect teacher for every one of them at every moment, but the truth of the matter is that is not possible. So to quote from my lesson on grace, "you can only give your best" and that's how I ended my day. Frustrated at how the situation went, but knowing I did everything I could to keep that kid in the class before the time came for him to leave helped me not dwell on the situation and forgive myself for not being able to be the perfect teacher at that moment. I only wish everything I do is that easy for me to forgive. That's a different day and a different blog. Some things you just gotta keep working on...

So i end on a low today, but a semi-positive one as I know I did my damnedest to try my best. (That stupid phrase is becoming a repetitive nuisance in my blogs, I'm gonna have to get away from that one.)

Anyway, I figure tomorrow's Friday and although I look forward to the weekend (as per any human to get away from the stress of work), I also loath it at times. It seems its easiest for your feelings to get to you when you are lonely and bored. So I've conjured up a list of things for me to do this weekend, without spending money (since I have none it would be difficult anyhow). Here's some of my ideas: writing music, learning my new Disney and fantasia piano songs, repainting my dart board, finishing the book I'm reading, finish applying to schools (what a painful process, all that paperwork to stuff into an envelope and pray they like what they read), and maybe even get out for a run or rollerblade if its not in the teens like this past week has been. I'm always in a better mood if I work out, so it gets pretty down when the weather turns cold and all I can do is stretch and pretend workout apartment stuff. I figure that should be enough stuff to keep me going until next week starts. Oh, and I have season 4 of Scrubs to finish, so that's always an option too. Hope everyone's weekend finds them well.

Grace from above

So I'm reading last night, yes I read, and I came across something I rather enjoyed. I'm going to type an excerpt from my journal I wrote after my reading encounter, "I've never really had standards for myself, what I look for in a guy (if I were even looking) would be honesty and intelligence. At the risk of sounding snobbish, I've revisited that because of what I read in chapter 5. I want to feel the way Adam made Eve feel. I realize this sounds silly, but think of the powerfulness of a relationship like this: 'safe and loved in an appreciated and admired' way, rather than used or gawked upon." I believe there is a time in every girl's life she enjoys being gawked at (it gives her confidence she thinks she doesn't have), however mine was short and long over. After thinking about that, it occurred to me why I hate guys staring and hitting on me in bars (or any place it is obvious they are looking for nothing more than, well you know) There is no appreciation. Nothing behind it besides the dirty feeling you're left with after the awkward conversation of nicely shutting him down. I've gotten away from my point though.

Thinking of how much the respect between genders has changed since then (then being Adam and Eve's time of course) makes me sad. Understand I'm not saying women deserve it all, my point is the ferocious respect on both parts. Males and females both are nothing alone without the comfort they receive by being together. I'm getting frustrated because I feel the depth of what I want to say is not coming out right. The fact of the matter is that we need each other, so why have genders become so conflicted? Why is it ok for guys to whistle at girls back ends? Why has it become standard for girls to use their sexuality to get things they shouldn't have? Where has the respect gone?

Anyways I understand Adam and Eve had a perfect relationship with God (at least for a few 100 years or so), hence being a part of their completely secure way of life, so I also understand that things develop and change and blah blah, but while reading that I couldn't but help wish myself back in time where people respected one another, treated everyone with dignity and kindness, and didn't have to fight through words of jealousy and pride to get to the real honesty of it all; even if the only time that were ever true was their time.

Alright, well now I feel I need to state, just for the record, that I am one of those people, one of those people like above that isn't living my full potential. I get mad if someone is driving in my way, and I am full of jealousy for numerous things that are ridiculous when step backed and looked upon, I am not as understanding of a person that I could be all the time, and I could keep this list going on my faults, yet instead of examining those I'm going to attempt to be positive. I try. I really do. I try to be the person I know we're capable of being every day. I have high expectations for myself and do occasionally (occasionally being several times a day) let myself down, but I do try. And really our effort is all we can give. After enough practice you'll get better at some things (maybe I won't be pissed off about the person who cut over in front of me passing someone just so they could pass first, even though they were obviously traveling slower than me), somethings may take longer, somethings you may never even achieve, but your effort can keep you trying.

Grace is a beautiful word. It didn't mean much to me until a couple months ago, but since then it's meaning has only grown more important. Grace to do what we think we cannot. It is full of love and faith.

I know it is grace that keeps me going.

eeeeehh. Yup.

Weird Sleep.

I had the worst "sleep" last night. I put sleep in quotes because although my body was asleep, I don't think my brain actually got any down time. I've never dreamed that much, at least not that I can remember. Crazy stuff too, like I was home with friends hanging out playing board games, then I was swimming, then I had a nightmare about my rabbit having a circle patch of hair gone with a terrible soar and was hissing like a cat, then I was in an old western with all my friends, then I'd be sitting in my apartment just staring at my dart board, and many more that I've already forgotten. I dreamed in songs too. That was probably the strangest part. Like I was picturing that stuff and there was music in the background, but it was music about my life, in my words, and yes, me singing it. I was good too. I woke up several times each hour (the part that plays a role in my horrible night of sleep I'm pretty sure) and a couple times wrote some of it down, but unfortunately half-sort-of-asleep written songs don't make much sense when read the next day. I have some semi-good lyrics, but for the life of me can't remember the melody. Damn, and it was already done for me.

I'm thinking I kept waking up because of the dreams, but I'm pretty sure the whole fiasco happened in the first place because last night was the first night in about a week I felt well enough to not put myself asleep by use of nyquil. My body must have gotten confused without it and wigged out my sleeping. I'm glad it happened thou, cuz any other night I never dream. So I'm always excited when I have any sort of dream, minus the scary ones of course, which on the rare occasions I do dream those are usually the ones I have. But last night was fun, despite the really frustrating fact that every half hour or so I'd wake up. I should get a tape recorder so if it happens again I can just sing my dream to that and then fall back asleep, but still remember it.

So if my mind can dream in my pre-composed songs, I'm pretty sure I can write some. Whether they are any good will be another story, but I'm gonna at least give it a shot.