if only we believed everything we read

its a constant struggle. being who you wish you were and being who you are. somethings you can't change, some you can. I only have two goals in life, but they are big. i've recently realized i could die at any moment. yes, yes, i know, morbid and dumb at the same time. I just never really thought about it. until I asked myself the question recently would i be happy dying as the person i was today? How i acted and what i did today? not yesterday, or the week before... after some deep reflection, this question turned into would i be okay with people close to me dying knowing just what we've said and done in our past and current relationships? these questions were thought provoking. to say the least my goals have been revised. death is scary. i'm not sure if i've been thinking about it more because of the books i've been reading or because of the massive loneliness i've been feeling (for any of you questioning and perhaps worrying, no i am not suicidal, that is a selfish thing to do, the thought does not occur to me), but one way or the other it is affecting me. change is good thou. i like to see myself grow as an individual. you know when you look back at the last year, two years, 10 years, and see what you've done. looking back is important, reflecting helps make you a more understanding person, looking forward helps to keep you prepared, but recently i've come to believe the looking to the moment is what is really needed. You have the now always, the future may not come, the past is already gone, but do what you can with what you have in your seconds. Who's to say you have many more? prolific, i know. its been said before, but i guess you have to truly put it into meaning for yourself to understand it. i think it is a hard way to live, such expectations are set on "i can do it next time" or "i'll say that the next time", but really you may not have the opportunity. no one is to say "next time" is guaranteed. Carpe diem's meaning seriously comes into play...