So basically the only thing keeping me searching for religion told me I should stop going to church today. Interesting. I know they meant just because it puts me in a bad mood, but i hope they understand it's only because it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't go to group tonight because I am not a Christian. I understand there are other people who go who are not Christians. That did not change my decision to not go. I would have liked to see people tonight so there's almost an ounce of regret for not just using group as social time, but deep down I know that is not the purpose of it. Or at least the purpose I would want to get from it. I guess one could go for social time and end up learning something, that would be neat. But I digress...
My mind is constantly unhappy. I can have a good time and enjoy events here and there, but whenever it comes back to time with me and my brain I can't stand myself. I have stuff I want to say, but shouldn't. I have things I probably should say, but won't. I have logic that deters me from doing certain things because it is not healthy. For instance as of right now I'm pretty sure I'll be bringing in the new year by myself. Not like, without a partner, but actually in a house alone. I have an event I've been invited to, but I don't want to go to it for the wrong reasons... and probably regret it, but at some point I need to become independent of this person and what better time than now. I hate this. Why is it so hard to let myself be happy?
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