For now...

I'm incredibly pissed. I had this extremely meaningful post and just lost it because my computer has come up with this new "game" of closing my window randomly. I will attempt to re-cap my thoughts, but I'm pretty sure it will not be near as interesting (on part of redundancy from my perspective).

I've been thinking a lot. And of all the scenarios have gone through my mind (probably each hundreds of times) and the one that makes the most sense is that I'm just ready to go home. What if I am ready? Set aside all the "failure" feelings, I would still be independent, I would still be doing the job I spent years in school for, I would still have an apartment I'm sure I'd be lonely in occasionally, with the exception of having family and friends around when I need them or need something beside myself. And the part that would really be exciting would be if they need me I could be there. I like people trusting me or asking me to listen or just telling me about their lives. I think loneliness causes boredom as well. I'm so sick of thinking about my life and what I need to do that I'm ready to just experience anything beside my poor excuse for living. I shouldn't be so negative. I love my student's. They are the high point of my life now. They keep me on my feet and give me others to care about. And I do, care about them, so I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but conversing with children is extremely different than having an "adult conversation". That phrase actally made me cringe until recently. I love talking with my kids and getting the best out of them, but there is only a point you can go to with them. I guess the phrase adult conversation, to me, just means taping into more meaningful emotions and experiences. Now let it be marked this is how I feel now. Perhaps in 5 months I will feel completely different. Yet, for the present, I'm set on moving home, getting a school gig there, and having an apartment without tons of waisted food because I don't know how to grocery shop without thinking "maybe a friend will come over and I can make us snacks while we watch tv, talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company". That has yet to be experienced here, beside the weekend I moved in and the weekend my family came to see me. Which, sadly enough, were all instances of people from home keeping me that company. I wish I could just open myself to being happy here. I'm going to make that my goal the months to come. I can be in charge of my happiness (repeat that 10 times, then maybe it will be easier to believe).