I had a sudden urge come over me this morning. I have many clothes I do not wear, so while listening to the hanging of the greens on speakerphone, I rummaged through every article of clothing I own and asked myself "do I actually wear this?" To say the least my closet is much less full. Pant, shirts, sweaters, even about 10 pairs of shoes are now sitting ready to be donated to someone who will use them. However I wish I got rid of more, yet certain expectations are held of me at my job, so I opted to keep some things because of that. I recently have had this feeling come over me often. For instance my phone contract just ended and I was planning on getting one of those really sweet touch phones with music and internet and all the bells and whistles. After thinking about it for a week I decided there is really nothing wrong with my current phone. That hundred saved went towards my credit debt, and after all that would be the greatest thing for me to have: no debt. Because of this current mind state I'm in I'll have one of my cards paid off and canceled by the end of this month (it is the biggest one too). This may seem non-important, yet it is extremely meaningful to me. I got myself into debt through a blunder of bad choices and mistakes and now, as I see the sea parting, I feel a great weight being lifted. The title of "debt-ful" makes me a person I do not like. I haven't always been the most responsible with my money, but I'd like to think I wasn't stupid about it; that was until about a year ago. Now that I am working hard to rid myself of the terrible feeling that comes with those bad choices and high interest rates, all I can say is that this will be a good holiday. I will have time with my family and friends and be able to become the person I once wanted myself to grow up to be. It's funny for me to think about how much I've changed. It took me becoming the person I never wanted to be to get back on track to being that caring and selfless individual I always want people to see me as.
I talked to an old friend on the phone last week. He told me about life and how things were going. After listening to my friend talk for a while, not planning on telling about how I was doing and despite my mind yelling for me not to truly share how I was feeling, I did it any ways. Upon reflection I probably did because his situation was similar, I guess it's always easier to share when you know the person can understand. Anyway, Loneliness, sadness, unsurety of where to go, you name all those deep inner feelings and I let them go. I told them I was miserable and unwilling to let myself be happy because I feel unworthy of those wonderful things. I'm not even sure he realized it because he was complaining of similar feelings but as he talked I felt like we were walking through our torment together. I came to realize that I am not okay here. I am not open to anyone or thing and I'm not sure how to be. My unwillingness is scary. I keep thinking if I move home I will be happy and I do not doubt that, but I do need to really ask myself if I will be able to move on with my life. I have a great friend there. Somedays I want more with that friend, than just friendship; all days to be completely honest. But I have to understand that that time has passed. Things have happened and it cannot be the way I wish it was. Now knowing that I understand this how do I make it happen?
Back to the beginning of the story... I was listening to church this morning and hearing my friend sing brought tears to my eyes. Yes, she sounded beautiful, but I'm pretty sure that was only a part of the reason for my tears. I have made myself try and try to make this place home. I even put up christmas decorations. It is a nice apartment, I do like it, but I can't make it feel like home. Every time I go to the grocery store I buy food like crazy on the off-chance a friend will come over and I'll be able to make snacks for us to hang out, watch the fire, and laugh together. It never happens. Even if I try to get people to come here, the ones I don't really know, not like the friends I truly love, like the ones back home, something happens and I'm left alone. Disappointment and sadness have the reigns over my life and I can't get control. If I move home I will unappropriately wish for something I cannot have, but at least have family and friends to help get me through, if I stay here I feel I will make a life of nothing; no actual feelings no real emotion, I fear for becoming a heartless fool.
On the upside, a life of loneliness really lets one get to know themselves. I know this was something a long time coming for me, as I know genuine people say nothing is deserved, yet the phrase "what goes around comes around" I think has served my sentence. I do feel I deserve what I'm going through. So for now I will hope that this phase was necessary for me to become the human I wish myself to be like, however I hope moreover that it is soon to be at an end. I fear I cannot take much more of a life similar to this. The heart-aching solitude this has become is no longer wanted. The short routine day tasks, saving money to dig myself out of the hole I'm in, celebrations of doing something nice for others can fulfill me only partly, there is more for me to feel whole. I fear I will only let this city give me a fraction of what I need.
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